do you ever have a day when...

[lorihadams]

you just wish you could be alone? I love my kids and I love my husband but some days I just wish I could be by myself with my animals. I miss the days when I could do what I want when I want without having to answer to anyone. I feel like I constantly have to come up with something for an excuse when I don't want to do something that my husband or kids want to do.

I constantly feel like I have lost myself somewhere in the process of becoming a wife and mother. I spiraled into such a deep depression that my husband threatened to leave me if I didn't get professional help. I'm better now but there are times when I just don't know who I am anymore.

This is constantly an issue when I just want some time to myself. Point in case, my DH's grandmother is in a home with a professional nurse, she lives there all the time with one other patient and the family of the nurse. The husband of said nurse is partnering with my DH this year for several hunting ventures (he has a guide service in another state). The last 10 times I have been to see Nanny with DH we are there for 5 minutes and then the husbands disappear for 2 hours and then come back for 5 minutes and we leave. I am left to talk to a woman that I barely know and who does not know me and to watch my two children and nurse's 2 children to make sure they don't break anything. (she has lots of antiques, very nice stuff).

Today, I wanted to stay home because our brahma chicks (7weeks old) have just been moved to the big coop and need to be put in there (this is day 2). We also moved our 10 2 week old ducklings to their pen and house last night and I need to be here to get everyone where they are supposed to be and locked up tight. I also don't want to go sit there for 2-3 hours while we all are starving and talk to people I don't know. He says, "if it was your grandmother things would be different". Well, yes it would be. I grew up with her, I have things to talk to her about, I KNOW her. She has also been lucid the entire time DH has known her. Nanny has had alzheimer's the entire time I've known her. I have driven her to doctor's appts., I have visited her in the nursing home EVERY DAY I was pregnant with my son, listened to her call me every name in the book, searched her house for things that "someone had stolen", stopped her from setting the house on fire, bought her groceries and clothes, and I am sorry, sometimes I just don't want to be around her.

I don't want to be selfish but I'm just tired of being left alone with her. My children don't really know her and she doesn't know them. It is just hard when she has alzheimers and I feel like I am constantly "stuck" with her.

I am sorry for the rant but I guess I just needed to vent cause now my hubby is pissed at me and probably will be for the next few days but I just don't want to go over there. Is that such a bad thing? I am hardly ever without my children and sometimes I just want to be by myself. Plus, there's all the birds to get straight. Am I a horrible person or just burnt out?

Sorry this is so long, and thanks for listening.

 

[keljonma]

Get a babysitter and make a date with your dh. No other distractions. Talk about how you feel. He probably just doesn't realize that while he gets away (on his hunting job) you are home with the kids. When he is home you are with the kids.

Even if all you do by yourself is care for the animals, read your Bible or do devotionals, take a Bible study, take a class, go window shop, or take a walk.... Every person needs that time. It isn't that you don't love them all - you do - but you could be a much better mother, partner, spouse, lover and friend if you had some time to yourself to rejuvenate your inner self.

 

[MorelCabin]

I agree with Keljonma. Having been through something like you are going through now I also went into depression and for years felt like I had completely lost myself. I would wish that on no one. I think you need to simply make your husband understand that no, you are not being selfish! And YOU need to believe that you are not being selfish. It is hard, I know, and next week you will be back to thinking that you were being selfish:>) I went back and forth forever with those thoughts.
And I never did anything about it. I think I probably would have been a much better mother and spouse had I been able to get that time that I needed.

 

[MorelCabin]

But I also have to add....LOL! At this stage of my life when all my kids are grown and Dh has his things that he does, and i never did do anything but sit at home and wait for everyone, so now i AM ALONE!!! Like 95% of the time:>)
Oh how I wish I had those kids around to pester me somedays:>)

 

[Beekissed]

I know how you feel! I think every mother knows how you feel! You are definitely NOT being selfish to want some time alone, it's not only unselfish but entirely necessary to refuel those batteries.

As a single mom, I had to work, go straight home to pick up kids and spend my evenings trying to find "quality time" with my kids while preparing for the next work and school day, clean house, do laundry, etc. When there is only one parent, it feels like a great sin to want some time alone.....away from patients, co-workers, stupid people in the public, from the kids, from extended family and all their harshness towards just how you are managing your time.

I couldn't wait to get some ME time! I think its vital for a woman to get some quiet time to collect her thoughts, rally her courage to go on, to talk to God and to herself. It's important to your mental and physical health, Lori! NOT selfish....just good maintenance.

I also understand about this lady with ALZ and having to force a social face under those circumstances.....what a strain!!!

Yep, heart to heart with hubby is needed. Then a firm stance on your needs in the face of everything you have to manage in a day's time. And praying...lots of praying.

Even though I feel lonely with the kids not here and feel some empty nesting....I also relish my alone time....alot!!! Especially when I can go out and commune with animals who expect nothing more from you than a friendly pat or a scoop or two of feed.

Lori...wish you lived closer...we would go out for a girl's day out every other week or so! Get a good lunch, browse the library, get a massage....whatever makes you feel like a person again! You deserve it!

 

[PamsPride]

If it were me I would not be going to visit Nanny. DH would be going on his own. Or I would go and as soon as he walks out of the room to talk to his buddy I would be a stick up his butt following him with the kids!
It is like I am a single mother with 6 kids on Sunday morning now! DH helps run the sound system and I think he got sick of me being all witchy because I had to wait 20 minutes after church was over for him to shut down the system while I was out in the foyer with the kids just running around like little wild indians!! By that time we are all tired and hungry. After several Sundays of it I started letting him have it everytime he did it. It mostly made me mad because there are 3 or 4 other sound guys who do not have a family but my DH was the only one that would stay.
Now he gets up and leaves to go to first service before we even get out of bed to get ready for second service! Then I take the kiddos and leave as soon as second service is done! We are both much happier!


Hunting trips....he gets three days no kids no spouse....you get three days no kids no spouse!!! So if he wants to use 5 vacation days up on hunting trips he better make sure he has 10 days so you get your 5 days of away time!! (Even if you have to send him with the kiddos somewhere for three days so you can have time alone at home!)

I have/had softball, quilting, and soccer. My DH has concerts that he runs the sound system for nearly every weekend....sometimes two concerts every weekend....nearly all summer. So we both get our away time. Although I take the baby with me and usually my oldest DS. But for me having just those two is a break! LOL!

 

[MorelCabin]

If it were me I would not be going to visit Nanny. DH would be going on his own. Or I would go and as soon as he walks out of the room to talk to his buddy I would be a stick up his butt following him with the kids!!

Ohhhh, love that one!!

 

[lorihadams]

Thanks guys, Chad tries to go see Nanny at least 2-3 times a week, about once a week is all I can muster. I talked to him when he got home and explained to him that I just need time without the kids and that every time I go over there he leaves me alone and runs off somewhere. He apologized and said he was sorry and understands.

I had cleaned most of the house, mopped the floors, put up all the animals, vacuumed, picked up the living room and returned all the stuff to it's rightfull place in the house and cooked dinner for everyone by the time he got back home with the kids. I just can't get it all done with the kids under my feet.

Hunting season is hard because of the business. It's his job, his company, his money, his time, etc. His "business partners" are worthless and he is drawing up legal documents to ensure that he doesn't get stuck with all the debt if they bow out. He does all the work and they show up to hunt if they show up at all.

He is usually pretty good about taking the kids somewhere and letting me stay home and get a break. I just feel like I'm really "snappy" some days, the kids get under my skin and its usually days that I have a lot to do and there is no "plan" for the kids so they are bored or want my attention and have to compete for it. I think I just need to get a little more organized too, especially when we get serious about the kid's schooling. I think I am going to have to sit down and make us a schedule for our mornings.

Thanks for listening. I think we are trying to work on it all and make it better for everyone.

 

[MorelCabin]

 

[PamsPride]

Is there a teenager...even as young as 12 or so....that could come to your house and entertain the kids for a couple bucks an hour so you can have some free time or just get stuff done? Maybe 4 hours once a week for $10? Someone who can be the playmate for a few hours a week.

Nanny does not know you so I would not be going back. I would be sending DH and the kiddos to go see her 2 or 3 times a week!