advice sought

[Team Chaos]

I'm not really sure how to title this thread. I lurk and read here a lot- I really appreciate how genuine people are (rare on the internet) and I am really struggling with keeping my balance and maintaining peace. Here's the deal: I'm a 33 yr old married woman, 8 yr old daughter; I have been involved in my grandparents' care for the last 7 years. My grandfather died in January. I farm on their land, as I'm here every day- up until a few weeks ago, I was here overnight most nights too*. My aunts are constantly fighting and playing crazy and have never been able to do any more than squabble and fault their parents for daring to get old. The newest push is that they want my animals and gardens off the farm. My grandmother, a farm kid herself, loves the animals and is proud of the garden. I specifically got approval from both Gram and Papa before I so much as set a post in the ground years ago. But, the daughters have dollar signs in their eyes and they want me out. Mind you, they are not willing to give any time helping Gram stay in her own home- no, my sister and I can do that- but they want to swoop in and call the shots to "protect" their inheritance. In years past, the aunts have flung paranoid allegations that I'm only helping so that I can get the farm etc. and that couldn't be further from the truth. That's not who I am and I think it's a disgusting and terrible accusation... not to mention a ridiculous one, considering that gram and papa had their wills written before I was born and they directed the farm to be divided among their children. (I don't mean that transition to sound flippant, I'm just trying to keep this somewhat brief)
We have a good life here: my daughter gets to know her great grandma, Gram gets to stay in her own home, I've gotten to spend more time with the people I love most in the world and give back to them, we've gotten to farm- to grow food and delight in the animals' antics. But I know the clock is ticking down. Sometimes I think I should sell off the animals and till the gardens under now, so that it's on my terms, but then I think I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face. My husband has the opportunity to transfer with his work from time to time and we've talked about just putting our farming goals on hold until we've seen this through, then leaving the area completely and trying to get our own land ( I'm not banking a full time paycheck because I've got care taker responsibilities so savings are almost nonexistent ) but if there's one thing I've learned it's that nothing is promised and life needs to be lived every day, not shelved for "some day" and I worry that we won't get another chance.
I don't know. I feel so blessed, I work hard to stay positive, but I feel like I need to come up with a plan so that I'm not so open to injury when the aunts decide to swoop in and rage.
Any input, advice, life stories- anything- is much appreciated. Thank You for reading this.

 

[Marianne]

 

[2dream]

I am not sure I understand totally. Are you saying that once your Grams passes you and your husband will then be homeless? From what you have stated here your Aunts will swoop down and throw you out. I know this is a tough situation and my next question is really going to be hard to answer. How long do you think your Grams has left, months, a year, longer? You only said you were her caregiver but you did not say if she is sick or just elderly. Is she 70 in good health or bad, 80?
Is there any way the Aunts would sell you the place? Or is there anyway to purchase the farm from you Grams? Or just a part of the farm? I don't mean her give it to you. I mean a legitiment purchase for a fair price. I am also wondering how much fincancially you and your DH contribute to the household so that too could come into play if you were able to purchase from Grams. I realize that you are doing what you are doing out of love but you also have a child and you and your husband must look out for your future as well.

 

[Emerald]

Here's another and big from me and a for greedy family members. I've always been of the thought that if someone passes away and leaves you something it is a gift, not a given! Too many families lose sight of what is right simply over "things" and "money".. it is sad.

 

[Leta]

I will BBL to expand on this, but I have to say this: inherited wealth, in my experience, brings out the absolute worst in people. It is the worst, ugliest kind of entitlement. Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience in this. If I were in your position, I would leave as soon as you have your animals sold and your Gram's caregiving squared away. Either that, or fight your aunts in court for durable power of attorney over your Gram and have yourself paid a reasonable caregiving wage out of her estate.

Sounds harsh, I know, but those are your only two options that protect YOUR family.

Hugs.

BBL.

 

[dragonlaurel]

Welcome to the group.
When someone is that greedy- or paranoid, they assume everybody else is nasty. It's all they know. So they wont believe that you're not trying to get the farm. But if your Grandma still owns it- until she passes or signs it over- they would have to listen to her about the property.

Talk to your grandma, but try to stay calm, and not say anything very negative to her about them, because they are her family too- so she might feel obligated to defend them.
You might say something like " they thought you were trying to get their inheritance and you don't know how to reassure them. "
She probably knows them well enough to figure out they were being nasty. She can tell them that their inheritance is still safe. Hopefully they will gloat quietly and leave you in peace, but they may still be obnoxious about it.

Please don't expect those aunts to play nice though. The minute she is gone (or in a nursing home) - they will be trying to get you off the land. Don't spend much of your personal money on that land.

Could you get a contract to farm your grandmas land on a year by year basis- with a reasonable period for you to find other land after she goes? You would want to make sure each year ends after harvest season is done.
Make sure that all tools, etc of yours are clearly marked, so you can easily identify them. Maybe spray paint? Keeping them in a separate shed from the grandparents tools would be smart too.

Or do any nearby farmers have some land that you could rent to farm on? Many farmers are aging, or cash poor and might welcome the offer.
You could still see her easily but with less risk to you.

Just some ideas that might be handy. If any help- great. If they wont fit your situation- ignore them.

Good luck.

 

[FarmerChick]

I would til under the garden, sell off the animals and continue to visit and help Gram.


My personality---says walk. I don't deal with pressure and idiots. I walk. I would want no part of what you are dealing with and for me, leaving the situation would be best (now this is me lol)

I would put my farm dreams on hold. It would not be worth it to me at all. The stress is never worth it.


I would continue to caregive on Gram. Visit. Chat, help, have fun, let the kiddo see Gram etc.

Tony's family are land fighters. A few are over the top tyes. Heaven forbid someone puts a fence post 1/4 of an inch of the property line. Heaven forbid someone uses a path thru their lands. Heaven forbid someone 'gets anything of theirs'. Mine mine mine and greed greed greed. I am not from that type of family so to me I can't believe it and I have to walk away from that type of behavior. I do not get involved with greed. Personally I find it disgusting.

So my solution is walk...but stay with Gram!! Enjoy her while you can and I would find another place for my garden. Even if I could only plant a few maters in containers at my home. Do what you can with what you have and visit Gram. Your stress level should lower alot then

 

[Marianne]

I was too tired to come up with a response last night, but after I went to bed I wondered what Gram thinks about all this? Would she say something to the aunts about WANTING you there? Would she be brave enough to put it in her will? Probably not....

But in reality, I agree with others in that you have to protect yourself. Better to make a choice to move, than have it be a 30 day notice to vacate after Gram passes. 'We have a great opportunity, but we'll have to move' kind of thing. OR what about being totally honest with her and tell her that the aunts are making you miserable?

I saw how awful people (family) could be after DH's parents were killed in a car accident. My half looney sister does so much for my mother, that if there's any money left to split, I'm sending sis a check. I'm too far away to help out and she deserves it.

 

[BarredBuff]

 

[THEFAN]

Yup, I have to agree till it over, sell what is yours or what you are allowed to. Move on but take care of gram. I would never let hose that can't see past there own noses potentailly gain off from my hard labor and love. Family greed sucks. The smell of money makes family do and say some nasty things A LOT of times. Sorry for your situation.