advice sought

[Leta]

I am going to break with the group here a little, and say this:

You are under NO OBLIGATION to keep caring for your Gram.

Caregiving is very, very hard work. Caregivers not only DESERVE to be paid, they NEED to be paid in order to protect everyone. I know far too many people who stretched themselves way too thin and ended up neglecting or abusing the elder in their care because they never, ever got a break, and they were extremely poor because they couldn't have an outside job yet were earning no money - that kind of situation is just rife with tension and stress. I'm not trying to excuse elder abuse, but it's these sort of impossible situations that cause people to snap.

If you are being paid, suddenly, *poof* you get a break! Because paying someone 24/7 gets awfully pricey.

I would say that you are obligated to ensure that your Gram is being cared for, but not obligated to do it yourself. If you do continue caregiving, you must insist on being paid a reasonable wage, to protect your own interests, your family's well being, and your Gram.

Just my .02.

 

[Team Chaos]

Thank you all so much for the input! My husband and I own a house in town (7 miles away) so we wouldn't be homeless, but we couldn't take our beasties in there. Gram is as clear as she can be about wanting us here, liking the animals etc. but the daughters don't listen to her. They want what's best for themselves and on more than one occasion have gone specifically against her wishes claiming that they are the only one who really loves her. One of the aunts tried to get Gram ruled incompetent so she could take over her affairs three days after my grandfather died. Sick. Now my older sister is POA with one of the other aunts. My older sister lives at the farm full time, but with my sister's physical disability and my Gram's higher needs, it takes two people to sanely handle things. My mom is one of the 4 daughters and she has said she'll refuse to sell etc. but I know that the courts can force her to if it gets that far.
It's not the easy answer, but I think ya'll are right- I need to handle things now rather than wait for the inevitable.

Leta- you speak to all very true and valuable points and I appreciate your honesty!

 

[FarmerChick]

I need to handle things now rather than wait for the inevitable.

yea it is hard and a sad state of affairs when families go nutso.....but your last line said it best. Take care of it now, cause inevitable will happen.

 

[Team Chaos]

But I debate with myself- if I get rid of all the stuff that adds so much joy to our lives, am I giving them more power? Should I just try to eek out an acre some where close that we can move critters to in a pinch or bank on the fact that the estate will have to go into probate and my mom is the executor so it's not like the aunts could keep me in the dark on the proceedings? My grandfather was thrilled when I put gram's big garden back in, when we got the "blonde chickens" (buff orp) he grew up with, the guineas were ordered last year as a father's day gift to him... ugh. I hate this divide- it's exactly why I posted here *LOL*

 

[FarmerChick]

I think the key is----you


pick one

do you want to stay as is, put up with the talk and stress, then you will just have to accept the situation

or

is it easier to back off until you can do your own farming easily?




How many animals are we talking about? Can you have them at your home at all?

Rent an acre? or find a place to rehome animals on short notice?


I don't think walking away from the farm part would 'give them power'. After all it is their inheritance anyway, they are just greedy to be trying to get control now. Don't worry --decide what is best for you, and I don't think it gives them anything. Doesn't matter. Decide for you and after that, how it affects them doesn't mean anything actually.


ugh I feel for ya to be in that mess.

 

[Marianne]

 

[Mattemma]

The grandparents need to add you to the property deed.Forget wills.Wills go to probate.Wills get contested.

That deed alteration would end the bickering.Talk to them about it.I had my mom add me to her deed under a survivorship deed.When she dies I can avoid probate and go straight to the auditor to have only my name on the deed once her death dertificate is shown.

Lots of people don't want to deal with this stuff.It took years to get my mom to do it and she feels bad cuz there is my brother,but he would sell the house and blow the cash.

If you are living there and helping out I see no reason to get rid of the animals. Ask the grandparents to make a choice.Reassure them that it is OK whatever they do.If they want the land/house to be split then you know you need to buy your own place.If they don't want to add you to the deed then you should save to buy a place.Not a bad idea to get a place regardless.

In the end they may deed the home to you anyway seeing you as the least scavanging family member.Other family need to come and help them out.You should not do it all on your own.They should not expect an estate if they did nothing to be blessed with it other than being born to them.

 

[bambi]

The property as I understand it belongs to your Grandma...... not to her children or anyone else.
If this this is the case I would remove my animals and also decide if you really want to be the caregiver and how much energy you want to give. it is hard work and rewarding but I wouldn't expect any thank you from family or reward except what is in your heart. I wish you the best and pray that you will come to the right decission that will put you at ease.