boundaries and privacy

[Buster]

Renting or no, change the locks. If they want to pick up their stuff, they need to do it while you are there.

It is difficult for a parent even with adult children to know where to draw the line, especially when they are partly dependent on them. My daughter lives in one of our rentals while she is going to school and I have had many discussions with my wife about respecting her privacy, to no avail. It is very hard on all of us, and I feel I am stuck in the middle.

Once you have made your point and your parents have agreed not to invade your privacy, then and only then give them a key. If they do it again, change them again. Takes all of ten minutes and costs about 12 bucks.

 

[rebecca100]

I am 28 and both my parents are gone. My dad passed this last spring from an ulcer that preforated. My mom passed in 05 from heart failure. Neither one was expected. Give your mom a big hug and tell her thank you and let her know that you appreciate what she is trying to do and explain that it just isn't going to work. That way if anything ever happens to her you won't have the guilt that she thought you were just being difficult and trying to hurt her feelings. You'd be suprised at the things you remember when they're gone. I think everyone here has good advice about just talking to her. I also discovered that sometimes it is good to get away from your parents, especially when tensions rise and feelings get hurt. My mom and I got along best when we were not around each other all the time. Just my thoughts on the situation! I hope everything turns out well. Best of luck

 

[meriruka]

I second the P.O. Box and also a box or file cabinet or trunk in the house that has a lock as well. That way, you can keep whatever you want private but your mom can still get in if something happens to you or the cottage. You don't have to say anything about it. I would let her have the tidying and laundry, it'll make her feel helpful or you could keep the place pristine so there is nothing for her to do......

 

[miss_thenorth]

1. A calm and loving, but firm discussion, involving you, your mom, and your dad. Lovingly set up some boundaries.

2. Change locks.

3. If mail gets deliverd to thier house, get a p.o. box.

While my kids are only 12 and 13, even now I respect their privacy. If they give me reason to be suspect, that will change, but then--they are children. When they are adults, even if it is meant with good intentions, she must respect your privacy.--key word being respect.

 

[Dace]

Just want to send a hug your way...

I am one of those moms that just doesn't get the privacy thing. I have one DD who is quite private and it baffles me. I wouldn't mess with things like papers etc, but I have to watch that I don't over step!

Your mom is probably just like me.....just trying to helpful and honestly not seeing it as intrusion!

 

[dragonlaurel]

"Call mom over for coffee and cake...or tea and cookies...whatever. Once she gets there...start the conversation like this.

" Mom, I really want to thank you for coming over and helping with the house, but can I ask you a favor? My mail and papers, can you just leave them for me to take care of? I think we have a different fileing system, and I had a hard time finding things you put away for me. I appreciate it, but if I dont put it there, then I cant find it"

This sounds like a great way to handle it, except I would also get a lockable trunk or filing cabinet for your private stuff. Tell her that you will always need her to be a part of your life, because she is your Mom, but you'd rather hang out with her socially than have her clean up after you. Sounds like she wants to feel needed. My Mom is very similar. She drives my Sister nuts with the house cleaning help. I live out of state.

She also opened my personal mail whenever she felt like it. She hated anybody having "secrets" in the house, so we would occasionally make whispering noises to each other in the next room to drive her nuts. I still am not used to blogging/journaling because I had to work hard for any privacy.
My Sister and her still have a bad relationship- so I hope you can get a good compromise soon.

 

[Buster]

The only problem I have with the trunk and file cabinet ideas is that would force BB to put her stuff in them every time she leaves the house. Personally, I like the freedom of just leaving a project laid out when I am working on them.

 

[ohiofarmgirl]

i kinda laughed when i read this... i'll pitch in with everyone else. both of my parents died before i was 38...and you can bet your bottom dollar i wish i had my mom cleaning up my house and 'helping' me now.

if you cant make a joke about 'hey mom someone broke into my house and opened my mail' to let her know you dont like it, or say like someone suggested that it messes up your filing system... get the PO box and be glad that someone loves you enough to try and help . life is hard enough and getting a bit of help doesnt hurt your independence.

for a while i lived part time with my sis and i made dinner ever nite, cleaned the house, did the laundry, packed everyone lunches, and drove the kids to activities. i think she felt that i was making some kind of judgment on her b/c i cleaned the house .....but the only reason i did it was b/c it would be one less thing for her to do. she made a snarky comment to me about why wasnt MY house clean (after i did hers) and so i stopped. now when i go up there i dont help with one thing and guess what she would love now?? yep. a little bit of help.

i think part of realizing you are independent of your parents is when you see their helping as just that and not some kind of controlling behavior.

 

[bibliophile birds]

thanks for all the ideas and advice.

i really do appreciate my mother. like i said, for years i saw my family very sporadically because i was traveling for work and a lot of times i was working in places where even getting to call home was a luxury. so, now that i'm here i do take a lot of time just to enjoy the family atmosphere again. i'm sure i take for granted that my parents will be around for a LOT longer since they are only 50. but we do spend a lot of quality time as a family, especially since my niece (their first grandchild) was born 4 months ago.

as for the mail, it does go to a PO box because I don't have a mailbox (or even an actual address come to think of it... this cottage is over 100 years old and way back in the woods) and sometimes it's a good thing to make myself go to town, if only to pick up the mail.

she didn't open any mail that wasn't already opened this time, she just sorted it- bills, correspondence, junk, magazines. i think the thing that annoyed me the most was that she propped the bills up in front of my computer like i was going to forget to pay them, which i've never done. that's something she would do to my 20 year old brother who's never supported himself, so it rubbed me the wrong way.

my parents have never been completely comfortable with my chosen field because they think it's too dangerous. i've always tried to downplay the bad stuff without being untruthful. i just don't want my mom to have to know about some of the terrible things i've witnessed working with children in refugee camps. lots of my work documents include some very graphic information so i've asked her not to read them (i told her it was because of confidentiality, which isn't completely untrue). maybe that sensitivity of mine makes me a bit paranoid. plus, when you are living in cramped quarters with NO personal space (a tent), you seriously value any bit of privacy you can get. it's hardwired in the brains of those of us working in the field that you never touch someone's things unless you are trying to cause a problem.

i think a lot of my reaction to this is because almost all of my "responsible adult" activities have been far from the watchful eye of my mother so i didn't really have that transition that a lot of young 20somethings have. i was reliant on my parents and then i just wasn't. we seem to be revisiting that transition now and it's making both of us uncomfortable.

i'm going to sit down with my parents this weekend (Dad is away at the moment) and see what understanding we can reach.

 

[Dace]

Well what you just wrote actually explains a lot!

I think you are on the right track to just sit down and have a gentle discussion. She loves you and wants to be helpful, perhaps you could give her something that she can help you with .... something benign that won't make you feel like a child, but will give her day a special purpose....to take care of you