Children's chores.

[big brown horse]

So the tantrums are working. When you are firm now, later it will be so much easier, I promise! Imagine a 13-18 year old throwing tantrums!! They can destroy a lot more.

I understand how hard it can be Wildsky! If you put your foot down and hand out some basic guidelines and consequences for a full week, you will have them whipped into shape.

Take if from me, after my divorce years ago I felt so much guilt that I let my (then) 4 year old run all over me. (And I let her sleep in bed with me again too.) One day my good friend pulled me aside and basically told me I wasn't doing her (my dd) any favors by letting her behave that way. It was a wake up call.

It took about a full week of me being "strict but loving mommy" to turn her into the angel she is today. It wasn't easy and I didn't sleep very good b/c of the constant interruptions by her all night. She still needs an adjustment or two, but they are pretty easy to deal with.

 

[old fashioned]

Wildsky....I feel your pain. I don't know if this is anything like your ds or if it will help but...My 10 yo was like that, such drama & chaos over nothing & he'll push any rule up to and beyond limits with atleast 1 meltdown per day that can last for hours. He's been like this for his whole life. Once I realized this behavior wouldn't work on the rest of the world when he turned 18/moved out on his own, I knew I had to become a brick wall-my way or no way! I had to stand my ground no matter what & it took awhile but he finally realized the fireworks weren't going to get his way & Mom can & will outlast him & the more he fights it, the harder I come down on him. I hated to do it but he had to learn the hard way (I think we're too much alike since we butt heads so much)
He calls me a mean old witch & I'll agree with him, but I'll be darned if he's gonna think he's the adult & get away with anything. Whining, crying, argueing & fighting will not get your way & it will create more roadblocks to a productive life! He has settled down alot & we usually have a great relationship, but every once in a while he tries to "test the fence".

My two at home are 10 & 8 and about the only regular chore is to put away your laundry & school/homework as that is first & foremost around here. Dh & I feel an education is most important & will take them as far as they choose in life. High school diploma is required, any college is encouraged & they already know they will have to work/pay for their own. We know the school system sucks, but it is there for a reason. I keep a close contact with each teacher & help the boys with homework.
Other chores around the house are encouraged but not required on a regular basis. If you're handy & have time kinda thing. I only want all dirty laundry in the communal basket by laundry day.
We have a frequent problem of losing things around here & that's when they have to clean their room (to hopefully find missing item).

Chores have been assigned as a punishment for wrong doing (if they fight or sass or? they have to scoop dog poop, bring wood into house, scrub toilet, etc)
They know how and will sometimes volunteer to set or clean the table, help cook, take out trash, cut kindling, check for eggs, feed chickens, help in the garden or yard work, laundry (sort, load, wash, dry & fold-they even know how to measure in soap & turn on machines but will usually ask to be sure and this is for the family not just themself) and a thousand other things.
If they have been grounded for a week or more, depending on the offense, I will let them "work off" or earn back either certain previleges or days.

There are occaisionally "family projects" & everyone is expected to participate. Usually when we get aload of wood, load it, haul it to the back yard, unload it, stack it & sometimes cut it. Both boys like to chop the smaller rounds & kindling as needed & only under supervision. Or when I've done a BIG grocery haul, everyone brings it in. Things like that.
We don't pay them an allowance or for most chores since we usually don't have the $ to spare, but we do when we can. If we can't then it's not with money but previledges or something special that doesn't cost much, like going to a playground or park, public library, sleepover, etc.

 

[On Our own]

TV is a privilege.

Toys are a privilege.

Extra things in their rooms are a privilege.

Any and all are taken if the rules are not followed.

You will always get weather appropriate clothes.

You will always get food.

You will always get shelter but none of those three need to be what you want.

You will always get loved even if you are not able to return it. I love you enough to let you hate me.

 

[old fashioned]

TV is a privilege.

Toys are a privilege.

Extra things in their rooms are a privilege.

Any and all are taken if the rules are not followed.

You will always get weather appropriate clothes.

You will always get food.

You will always get shelter but none of those three need to be what you want.

You will always get loved even if you are not able to return it. I love you enough to let you hate me.

YEP that's it in a nutshell most especially the last one about us lovin them & they hatin us!

I've always heard that as a parent, you'll never get thru to them until they hate you. And once they hate you, you may very well have saved a life gone wrong. (not that that would happen here, but I think/hope we all know what I'm talking about)

 

[Aidenbaby]

That is part of the reason we took the toys out of the kids' room in the first place. Their readmittance can and will be revoked at any time. You throw a toy and *poof* it's out. You leave a toy on the floor after I told you to pick it up? You guessed it, I've taken it. It really helped the kids to get ready for bed faster (less to tidy and less to distract).

I guarantee that if my kids start getting crazy thoughts like they are in charge or anything, they get a fast , hard reality check. I've been too wishy washy in the past and have paid dearly for it with my stress level and anxiety.

I don't use chores as punishment as that is what my own parents did and to this day I HATE doing chores. It's difficult for me to get the motivation to do anything and, thanks to FlyLady, that is very slow to change.

 

[tortoise]

I spoil DS (3 yrs old) because he is a good little kid. No tantrums here! If he asks nicely and it's reasonable, he gets it.

OTOH, I DO NOT tolerate whining, begging, fussing, disobedience, etc. I'm a mean old stickler about that (for my own sanity!!!)

As far as chores, I want him to be self-sufficient. He gets himself up in the morning, goes potty alone, gets a cup of water and gets out his breakfast cereal. He puts himself to bed for naps and at night. Thank God!

He folds washcloths when I do laundry. He's getting better at it....

He takes his shoes off and puts them away. He hangs up his coat / sweatshirt in his room.

He is learning to help make his bed.

He picks up his "living room toys" everytime he plays with them. I don't bother about his "bedroom toys" very much.

It's HIS job to take care of his toys. It's MY job to make sure he doesn't have more toys than he can take care of. He had some toys with too many pieces that I took away (not as a punishment, just sneaky when he wouldn't notice) until he was old enough.

He can set the table pretty well - I hold my breath every time he picks up a plate or a glass though!

He throws his dirty clothes - and whatever I ask him to - down the laundry chute.

Writing it out, is sems like a lot! But he's getting seriously spoiled with rewards so I feel like I need to ask him to do more. I'm not sure what but you guys are giving me some great ideas! Thanks!

 

[Wildsky]

I'm glad I don't seem to be in this boat alone, I just have to make small steps and stick with it.

I asked my daughter to pick up all her stuff in the living room. Her reply "NO!" so I said she needs to do it or I will, and she knows that means its in a trash bag and out! (I've never thrown any toys away, but its going to get to that point)
SHe cried for a while, very angry and then started to tidy up. I cut her an apple, and told her to finish taking her toys upstairs, and then she can unload the dishwasher - she's not too thrilled about it.

 

[mandieg4]

My kids are 10, 8, 6, and 3.

The older three are all responsible for washing their own clothes and putting them away (I hang the clothes up on the clothesline for them). They each have to practice the piano too.

All four of them have a raised bed garden that they are responsible for.

DS-10 and DS-8 alternate taking out the trash and the compost bucket.

DD-6 is in charge of making sure the dog always has water.

DS-3 is responsible for making his siblings miserable (and he excels at it!)

They have to clean their room spotless once a week.

During the school year that is pretty much it. We used to have more for them to do, but homework took up so much time that once their chores were done they didn't have any time to play before it was bedtime. I am a firm believer that free time is more important than homework and just as important as chores. Since I don't have as much say over how much homework they have I had to cut back on the chores.

During the summer the their chore lists gets a bit longer and mine get a bit shorter, but that just gives us more time to do the fun things together as a family.

 

[me&thegals]

TV is a privilege.

Toys are a privilege.

Extra things in their rooms are a privilege.

Any and all are taken if the rules are not followed.

You will always get weather appropriate clothes.

You will always get food.

You will always get shelter but none of those three need to be what you want.

You will always get loved even if you are not able to return it. I love you enough to let you hate me.

Very well said. No TV in our house, so I think that helps a bit.

Wildsky, first of all I would say that it is VERY HARD WORK teaching kids to work. I cannot even count how many times I have been tempted to just do it myself--faster, better and more quietly.

However, this past year our kids (6 and 9 last year) finally really started being helpful, truly helpful. They get a large allowance all summer ($5 for spending, $5 for savings account each week) for doing quite a bit of work.

In the summer, my now 10 year old push mows our lawn frequently (almost 1 acre).

Both kids clean their own rooms and play area.

Empty garbages and bring to the burning barrel.

Help pick fruits and veggies for the family's use. If helping for our CSA, they get paid.

Help vacuum, dust, wash counters and floors after meals.

Help gather, clean and package eggs.

Help sweep garage, porch, deck.

Clip grass around immovable yard objects.

Occasionally help prepare meals--I always mean to get them more involved and end up forgetting.

Fold and put away their own clothes.

Clean their own bathroom (infrequently!).

Help haul wood. Build fires in the fireplace (10 year old).

There's probably more, but I can't think of anything else right now. Basically, we encourage small chunks of time devoted to hard work, followed by family fun. The idea is to teach them that we first get things done, then we have time to play.

 

[me&thegals]

Getting my kids to pick up after themselves is like asking them to shoot up with crack! most days I just find it easier, faster and less of a uproar to do it myself! I need to stop wanting things done my way, and just aim for them to get done.

I heard a great idea on this one. Toys that don't get picked up, vanish.

My son got a bunch of dart guns. The deal is, all the darts are picked up before bedtime. If not, I get them and he has to buy them off me

As for fighting, I always annoy my kids by saying, "Fighting? Hmmm... If you're bored, I have a bunch of jobs you can do...." The fighting ends pretty quickly.

Seriously, my kids NEVER, EVER say they are bored, either. They know I will help them get unbored

My kids are very far from perfect, but they really finally know how to work. I try, but don't always manage, to make it fun. Like having races, or seeing who can get the most work done, or working towards deadlines, or having something fun to do after the work is done.