family lukewarm to SS

[FarmerJamie]

What an interesting thread. There is no "right" answer, I believe.

Looking at us back when, my sister (3yrs younger) and I would polar opposites. I was the dependable one, she, relatively speaking, was the hellion. It frustrated me to no end. My eldest DD is a lot like her, and I'm getting a better understanding of how they both "tick", i.e., react to the "chore list".

Our kids have chores - DS has sole responsibility for the chickens, the girls are primarily responsible for the laundry. Dishes, cleaning, dogs, and whatever else is shared across the three of them. It's not going to kill them, although they now know not to try to play the "my friends don't have to do this" card to us.

It was a hard adjustment for me, because I did a lot as a kid around the house, and my "to-do" lists were really long and never-ending. I still chafe about the time my sister was allowed to quit her job in HS, because her boyfriend complained about her having to be home early Friday and Saturday nights so she could get a full night's sleep in order to be at work at 6 am. Our "extra" car sat unused in the driveway while I walked to work every day because she "might need it".

I think we're starting to find the right balance here.

 

[moxies_chickennuggets]

The kids will eventually move out on their own and do their own thing.

That thought does cheer me up. Am I a bad person for that?


naaaaahhhh

Ditto...nahhhh. You are not a bad person. Parenthood can be very trying..I am so glad mine are all adults. I thought teenage hood would NEVER end!!



18...tell them..."It's been nice..we love you..but now time for you to move on in your lives. There is college, job, military." That is, if they want to eat, sleep warm and comfy, have internet, cell phones and friends. You can only do so much. Once they reach majority...they have to be responsible. You are not legally responsible for them any more...(unless they are in college) .......

 

[OrganicKale]

asking them to pick up after themselves or do some household chores is not, to me, the same as making them get on board with SS. Of course my child had to clean her own room; has had to make her own dinner for years because I worked; did her own laundry when she got to a certain age. Also, she always had to work once she was old enough. She had to pay for her own gas and car insurance. I just didn't expect her to help me with gardening, livestock, sewing or canning, or any of that kind of thing. That was my deal, not hers. I also didn't force her to read the books I enjoy, watch the TV shows I like, etc.

And I know plenty of people who were raised in wealthy families that are very happy, thank you very much. Money does not necessarily always bring misery to families.

 

[Beekissed]

I'm on the side of while under my roof kids participate in activities that further the family as a whole...even and especially if it is SS projects. These aren't just hobbies for me and for many others, these things are implemented to increase cash flow, keep healthy foods in the home and provide knowledge for the future~a future that looks pretty shaky economically.

I view children taking part in these activities as important as their schooling and socialization...it is called reality and common sense living and shouldn't be left out of any child's education. These types of chores are not back breaking physical labor and will not "steal" a child's youth, particularly if the children are 16 and 18...and guess what? Those are no longer young children skipping about the yard and playing hide-go-seek~those are adults who are old enough to learn that life, their REAL life, is starting right about.....NOW.

At that age they are old enough to make children, earn money, cook and clean for their own families, etc. There is really no benefit to allowing them their so-called youth until the very last minute then expecting them to suddenly grow up and take some responsibility. If they are driving one of your cars, they can also accept other adult responsibilities like helping their dad work on projects that ultimately help the family prosper. If they are spending your money on their entertainment and social life, they can learn that money is never free and respecting their father enough to help him take care of the family is just part of the price you pay for freedom to even have a social life.

My three boys didn't really get into my SS projects and lifestyle either but they really had no choice and weren't given one. There was grumbling and often complaining, but there was also eating, using electricity, sleeping in warm shelter, using hot showers, etc. If they wanted the latter they must help, grumbling or not, with growing foods and money saving projects.

Now they know more than they ever wanted to know and many times they have told me that they were proud to know how to do this or that SS skill when no one else their age or even older knew how to do it. We had fun on those projects and I have the pictures to prove it...smiling, laughing and cutting up boys doing chores they never wanted to do, learning things they never wanted to learn and finishing things they never wanted to start. I was grateful that my parents made me do those things and I know my kids will feel the same when they reach maturity.

 

[OrganicKale]

I think a lot depends on whether you view this as a lifestyle or a hobby. To me, it is a hobby. I could just as easily buy veggies at the supermarket rather than grow them. If I chose not to, it's on me. I don't expect anyone else in my life to bear the responsibility of my personal choices. We don't live in a society where you have to live this way to survive anymore, so it really is more of a choice or hobby than a necessity, or a lifestyle. And I really do understand that it is not for everyone, and so don't wish to cram my beliefs down anyone else's throat, least of all those I love. It does not mean that I don't believe in making children learn responsibility; it just means that I do it in other areas.

 

[Toulle]

These two kids of mine have been expected to do at least some for themselves since being small. They have to do their own laundry, clean up after themselves, all that. DD does help cook supper, and DS does sometimes help with the yard work. DD has also helped with lawn and garden, and DS has done some cooking. It just isn't exactly his forte.....
However, I do have to ask them to, and there just isn't that much in the way of chores to DO around here. As anyone who has read some of my posts may have gathered, we are still in a holding pattern, stranded in suburbia. I have no garden or such at this time. To put them to work, I have to actively hunt for projects for them.

In the past, however, when I did have a garden, getting ANY of them to help was difficult at best. I think it was considered "daddy's strange little project" or some such.

DD has made it very clear she hates the clothesline. She tries to find any excuse she can to use the dryer. When she can't she only does the barest minimum she can get away with so as to avoid hanging a lot out there. She seems to hate anything that can be considered, I guess "old fashioned" is the term.

DS graduated from high school last spring. We gave him 4 choices: college, military, full time job, or find a new place to live. "Proper" college turns out to be a bit out of the Q at the moment, and the job market here is tough (I know, I am under-employed myself. Yet people from the north keep showing up here looking for jobs.....) He just started trade school a couple weeks ago. A grant and a trust fund from his grandma are paying the bills there. He claims to be looking for a part time job.
Soon or later he will probably figure out the Air Force is a good option. He did 3 years of ROTC in high school.

So it isn't that much of a question of them not doing any work, more of a question of them at least taking an interest. Maybe some initiative? A willingness to learn something themselves?

 

[BarredBuff]

I view it as a lifestyle but my mom sees it as a hobby....this will be my lifestyle one day..........

 

[Neko-chan]

...

 

[Toulle]

Time to start designating tasks. My brother and I were told to trade dish washing duties weekly, or not eat. Well, we weren't NOT going to eat, so we did the dishes (yeah, we did grumble about it).

You should look at your power bill and see just what that dryer is costing you, and then ask your DD nicely to start paying you the difference out of her pocket money...or use the clothes line, because it costs less money. You can also remind her that at least she has the washing machine, and doesn't have to hand wash the clothing (which, you know, you MIGHT be considering switching to. ). Maybe designate one day of the week as wash day, so you can be more efficient (full loads, rather than partials), and tell them that no piece of clothing (unless totally trashed or, you now, underpants) will be worn once and then thrown in the wash. Clothes will be used until too dirty to wear in public, or whatever. It not only wastes power, but water as well. Work clothes need to be washed even less, as they aren't public clothes.

Simple chores like that, and then consequense for them not being done. (No party on the weekend, or whatever.)

You said yourself that you're under employed. Your pocket book is important to your family, because it means a house, and power, and fuel to get places, etc.

We tell her that she will use the clothesline. Dryer is off limits except in special circumstances such as rain and having to have some clothes soon. There is no negotiation. She is also told to only wash full loads of laundry.

She has tried to use the rain clause to her advantage. She tried to put off laundry until it was raining and then use the dryer. Saw right thru that one. DD was allowed to wash just enough clothes to get thru the next couple days, and use an indoor drying rack.

She has no pocket money unless she does something for it.

 

[dragonlaurel]

Make Friday or Saturday morning wash day. If they don't get to go out with their friends till it' s washed and hung out- it will get done.