FarmerJamie - A new beginning

[Finnie]

Not in the plans today, white lights and hanging a sign at the coffee station
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You DO have quite the Torani collection! My two are gone. I threw the yucky Peach one away when the ants showed up a couple weeks ago and this morning I used up the one I put in the fridge. So no more Torani for me until ant season is over.

Good job emptying boxes! We are thinning out our basement, and I think about your wife whenever I have to decide whether I can bear to part with something or want to keep it.

 

[FarmerJamie]

Ugh. Another carload of cardboard recycled.
This is very stressful. Wife is not dealing with this well, I will leave it at that

Picked up a new string trimmer on sale.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

Wife is not dealing with this well, I will leave it at that

Oh boy....

 

[Mini Horses]

She'll get over it, mostly. Just have a bed in spare room ready to use.

 

[FarmerJamie]

She'll get over it, mostly. Just have a bed in spare room ready to use.

I have easy access to the inflatable air mattress

 

[FarmerJamie]

Process, step by step. Once the shed door is fixed, I should be able to shlep a good chunk of stuff there. Hole for the incoming toy is getting larger, but not there yet.

Part of the issue yesterday was me setting my aside stuff to liquidate. "But that's worth something, don't you want to keep it?" No, I am old now, will never use it and the kids don't want it. Why burden them with it after I am gone. Never once told her what to do with her stuff, but I think she is internalizing it. It was very tense.

Empty product boxes...why save? "Because we might have to take it back". After 3 years? No... I have filled 2 two gallon ziptop bags with office products and found boxes with even more in it. Thinking of donating to a local school, but haven't discussed it yet.

In 8 years of marriage, I think we used to kitchen table once. Why not more? The chairs have mold on them. Why have we kept them then? Expensive to replace. I got out the bleach wipes...only "mold" was on the seat pads...I scrubbed one chair down and got it clean. Going to let it sit in the kitchen for a week to see if the "mold" comes back. Looks like old dust to me

I know this is a long rant, just frustrated and need to vent. I don't want to yell or bark orders, but leading by example doesn't seem to work.

 

[Mini Horses]

Your entire move has been an unthought out (by her) cleansing for her. Yeah, own house and all was nice BUT she didn't connect the dots of "get rid of" stuff.

Bless you for patience. Maybe, after a few days of one chair in the kitchen, she can be assigned to clean others. On basis of, clean them or I donate them. Ya know, that table would make great area to use when you're canning

 

[frustratedearthmother]

It's hard when you're not on the same page with the spouse. Different backgrounds, different life experiences, different expectations. Sometimes meeting in the middle happens - sometimes it never will!

Can you give her one spot that is totally hers to keep whatever she wants? Maybe a closet in an extra room? That way she still has some power over what she wants to keep but is limited on the amount. Having a limited space will force her to prioritize what's most important to her. Give it a year. If she hasn't used anything in that closet in a year, then it may be time to re-think her choices.

Hope ya'll can find a solution that works for you both!

 

[Finnie]

I don't want to yell or bark orders, but leading by example doesn't seem to work.

You are right to not yell or bark orders. For me that only causes me to go into defensive mode, to protect myself and my stuff. (And my hopes and my dreams? Because my “stuff” is there because I hope and dream to use it one day?)

The fact that she mentions that things are “worth something” could be stemming from having/having had a tight budget. Knowing that some needs are hard to acquire both because of the financial aspect and also the time needed to shop. So keeping a supply of “everything you might ever need” is a source of security. And getting rid of perfectly good stuff is a waste.

I have been on both sides of this. I don’t like my DH to disparage my things and try to make me throw it all out. But, when I had to travel to Florida to help my mom move back to Michigan, there was so much dumb stuff that I just wanted to make her throw away. Two of my daughters and I made that trip, and I saw just how difficult it is for descendants to have to sort through an old person’s house. I resolved then and there to voluntarily pare down my possessions while I’m still alive to make it easier on anybody who has to help me when I’m old or dead. But that’s not something you can make someone else decide.

And, it has to be balanced with the fact that I’m not ancient yet and I do still need/want a fair amount of possessions and equipment.

I know it’s hard to be patient, but I would say things are a lot easier for my husband when he takes the gentle approach to getting me to help clean out areas, rather than when he used to just get a bee in his bonnet to clean something and get mad cuz my junk piles were in his way. And that would put a panic feeling in my heart and then I would get super mad because he was “always against me”. (Which wasn’t true, but when you get that feeling, every past argument comes rushing back and blocks your perspective.)

 

[FarmerJamie]

It's hard when you're not on the same page with the spouse. Different backgrounds, different life experiences, different expectations. Sometimes meeting in the middle happens - sometimes it never will!

Can you give her one spot that is totally hers to keep whatever she wants? Maybe a closet in an extra room? That way she still has some power over what she wants to keep but is limited on the amount. Having a limited space will force her to prioritize what's most important to her. Give it a year. If she hasn't used anything in that closet in a year, then it may be time to re-think her choices.

Hope ya'll can find a solution that works for you both!

Umm, she had a whole room in the previous place and one now. Filled with stuff not used in over over three years.