ByHisGrace
Enjoys Recycling
I was a foster parent from 1998 until 2007 when our last foster child's adoption was finalized. We didn't keep all of them, but we were mainly classified a "long-term to permanent" home because of our willingness to adopt if it became possible.
I agree with everything Pam'sPride said about the process, though the reimbursement is different in our area (we don't get quite so many "perks"). Here if you adopt a special needs foster child or a sibling group, then you continue to receive your monthly payment that you were receiving when they were foster children until they are 18.
On the discipline issue... I never had a social worker come out and ask me if we spanked our children. They did give us training on alternative forms of discipline and advised us that foster children shouldn't be spanked. Then the social worker herself said, "I'll tell ya right now, I spank my kids." Of course she wasn't speaking of foster children, but in this area it is kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" issue. After we had children in our home the only question we were ever asked about it was, "What kind of discipline do you use?" My response was that we mainly use time-out or loss of privileges.... which was true... we reserved spankings for when the children were being completely out of control or willfully disobedient to a direct command. As long as our foster children were thriving and well-adjusted there was no reason for concern. They never asked them if we spanked them either. I felt like I had a higher moral obligation to raise them properly, and IMO that includes spanking only when necessary.
Having said all that, I think you have to go on faith about your own situation. We didn't have any other children in the house when we first were foster parents, and all of our foster children came to us as babies. So our children had no reason to "tell" on us. The had not been physically abused before coming to us, and no reason to feel physically abused with us, so it was fine. If you speak with some foster parents in your area they may give you a better perspective of how prying the social workers are there. There should be a foster parent support group organized by your local dept. of Human Services. Surely they would let you sit in on a meeting to get some insight before taking the plunge yourself. We understood the risk we were taking by not abiding by that rule about discipline, but if it ever became an issue we were confident we were not doing anything that could be classified as abuse. If anything, we were demonstrating our love for the children. Discipline seems to be less of an issue here in the south, since we seem to hold fast to the old way of doing things.
If you truly have a heart for helping the hurting children here in our country, I must encourage you to follow your heart. It will not always be easy, I guarantee you that. But it is so worth it. Our world will never be a better place unless children are given the unconditional love and security that they need to become confident, productive adults.
My best friend has 6 adopted foster children, and she struggles. But I feel that is a situation of her own making. However there are some pitfalls to avoid. For example I agree with the post that said to foster parent children who are younger than your own. There is a very real dynamic related to birth order whether they were born to you or not. Also be sure to ask lots of questions about the situation and biological family from which the children come. Not only will it give you insight to potential problems with the child, but it will also help you decide if that is a family situation you want to get into. Remember there will be visits periodically with the biological family in most circumstances. We only had to deal with visits with our oldest two who are twins. The other two had no visits with biological parents, so they were easy. Once we had twin 3 week old baby girls who had been physically abused. We nursed them back to health and fully expected to be able to adopt them. Later the social worker talked the aunt into taking the babies because it made it easier for visits with the biological parents... i.e. the social worker wouldn't have to take the babies for the visits any longer, since I refused to do so. There was no way I was taking them to see the two people of which one or both had physically broken 5 bones on each baby. So after three months of bonding with these babies, we were heart-broken. It turned out for the best though, because we found out later that the mother of the girls left her husband whom she blamed for the abuse and she was given back custody of the girls when they were about 2 years old.
One of my dreams is to someday have a working farm and big 'ole house, so I can adopt teenage foster children and teach them about how life and relationships should be through working on the farm. There's something about real, hard, productive, physical labor that makes you appreciate what's truly important in this world!
Sorry... I'll take a breath now and let someone else share!
I agree with everything Pam'sPride said about the process, though the reimbursement is different in our area (we don't get quite so many "perks"). Here if you adopt a special needs foster child or a sibling group, then you continue to receive your monthly payment that you were receiving when they were foster children until they are 18.
On the discipline issue... I never had a social worker come out and ask me if we spanked our children. They did give us training on alternative forms of discipline and advised us that foster children shouldn't be spanked. Then the social worker herself said, "I'll tell ya right now, I spank my kids." Of course she wasn't speaking of foster children, but in this area it is kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" issue. After we had children in our home the only question we were ever asked about it was, "What kind of discipline do you use?" My response was that we mainly use time-out or loss of privileges.... which was true... we reserved spankings for when the children were being completely out of control or willfully disobedient to a direct command. As long as our foster children were thriving and well-adjusted there was no reason for concern. They never asked them if we spanked them either. I felt like I had a higher moral obligation to raise them properly, and IMO that includes spanking only when necessary.
Having said all that, I think you have to go on faith about your own situation. We didn't have any other children in the house when we first were foster parents, and all of our foster children came to us as babies. So our children had no reason to "tell" on us. The had not been physically abused before coming to us, and no reason to feel physically abused with us, so it was fine. If you speak with some foster parents in your area they may give you a better perspective of how prying the social workers are there. There should be a foster parent support group organized by your local dept. of Human Services. Surely they would let you sit in on a meeting to get some insight before taking the plunge yourself. We understood the risk we were taking by not abiding by that rule about discipline, but if it ever became an issue we were confident we were not doing anything that could be classified as abuse. If anything, we were demonstrating our love for the children. Discipline seems to be less of an issue here in the south, since we seem to hold fast to the old way of doing things.
If you truly have a heart for helping the hurting children here in our country, I must encourage you to follow your heart. It will not always be easy, I guarantee you that. But it is so worth it. Our world will never be a better place unless children are given the unconditional love and security that they need to become confident, productive adults.
My best friend has 6 adopted foster children, and she struggles. But I feel that is a situation of her own making. However there are some pitfalls to avoid. For example I agree with the post that said to foster parent children who are younger than your own. There is a very real dynamic related to birth order whether they were born to you or not. Also be sure to ask lots of questions about the situation and biological family from which the children come. Not only will it give you insight to potential problems with the child, but it will also help you decide if that is a family situation you want to get into. Remember there will be visits periodically with the biological family in most circumstances. We only had to deal with visits with our oldest two who are twins. The other two had no visits with biological parents, so they were easy. Once we had twin 3 week old baby girls who had been physically abused. We nursed them back to health and fully expected to be able to adopt them. Later the social worker talked the aunt into taking the babies because it made it easier for visits with the biological parents... i.e. the social worker wouldn't have to take the babies for the visits any longer, since I refused to do so. There was no way I was taking them to see the two people of which one or both had physically broken 5 bones on each baby. So after three months of bonding with these babies, we were heart-broken. It turned out for the best though, because we found out later that the mother of the girls left her husband whom she blamed for the abuse and she was given back custody of the girls when they were about 2 years old.
One of my dreams is to someday have a working farm and big 'ole house, so I can adopt teenage foster children and teach them about how life and relationships should be through working on the farm. There's something about real, hard, productive, physical labor that makes you appreciate what's truly important in this world!
Sorry... I'll take a breath now and let someone else share!
