My muddle....(warning: Olympic-class soap opera inside)

[homestead jenna]

PPL go through stages in life...

I wish it were just a stage...but his levels have been checked and re-checked. The doc said he's never seen a hormone level so low for a guy. And he sleeps in another room now and there's never been any offer of "help" - even when the subject has been discussed - which is the part that really bothered me about it all...that he's not even thinking about it as a problem WE have. Supposely he's considering a "patch" therapy...but it's his motivation for that...that it's all about HIM - his cardiac risk, his diabetes, his high blood pressure...that really kills me. It was never "I need to have this treated because it impacts my wife."

I dunno.

 

[MorelCabin]

I totally agree with you Pat...happiness cannot come from another person, it has to come from your own attitude. I know for sure that I wouldn't be a very happy camper on my own...and it would actually be alot worse, not better, for me anyway:>)
I think there are alot of things to think about when one person decides to perhaps leave a relationship.
You married the guy twice Jenna...there's gotta be something about him to love to peices

 

[patandchickens]

Well, the testosterone thing seems kind of complicated. On the one hand there is the sex issue (frankly some of us have quite the opposite problem ), which legitimately affects you to some degree. Although when it comes down to 'I asked him to help me out here and he wouldn't' it is sort of in the same category as a lot of other things.

OTOH even though his health in general does affect you, it still seems like it's kind of more his business than yours, you know? I mean, if he wanted you to lose 20 lbs because you'd be statistically less likely to get various diseases, or switch to an all whole grain and vegetable and no sugar diet, or stop driving a car for not absolutely essential reasons because of the chance of having an accident, you probably would not just bow to his wishes on the grounds that what happens to you affects him too, right?

I know it kind of sucks watching a spouse make decisions that affect him negatively and have a realistic chance of affecting YOU negatively too. We have that here (in both directions of course) and I would think it's pretty common to some degree or another in any marriage. You just sit there watching him carry on doing the counterproductive and slightly 'dangerous' thing, while inside you're going "AAARGH! Why are you doing this? Can't you see how much it could screw up our future, or MY future?"

But in the end a spouse *is* an adult, so maybe has a legitimate right to make their own decisions? Some of which will doubtless not be in your best interests, but then, probably some of YOUR decisions (like if you left him) would not be in HIS best interests either?

Just thinking out loud,

Pat

 

[MorelCabin]

Yup, life is so much easier when you're a dog, isn't it:>) If ones not interested another one is...LOL! But in reality we humans were designed to be mated for life...so we have to really work harder to enjoy our lives when one is not co-operating with the others wants/needs/ideas...

 

[makerofstuff]

I'm new here, but been married with a blended family for awhile. Here is how we worked it out. Get in that yoke with him... don't ask someone to lead that can't(,or is certain you won't follow). Realize that independent finances just make for an easy seperation of that is not my mess so you deal with it. I started three years ago, and there was a real mess at the time. First I started with the bills, and getting those sorted into a budget. Then I acted like it was all his idea. Look what fun I am having making all the bills paid on time honey just like you wanted! Then about six months ago I was introduced to Dave Ramsey's budget system. So I have more structure to that now. I have MS and structure seems to make my world safe right now.
We play a game of it now, and even my sister has joined in. David is the head of our house. Traci and I are next, then kids, and step kids. (her husband left about 18 months ago for a younger woman but is fighting her getting a divorce... go figure!) We have gone from crazy near a divorce, to the goofiest family you could ever want to see. Once we made sort of a happy game of it things got really weird for awhile then calmed into lots of smiles. There are seven adult aged people here right now and that says alot that there is no fighting bigger than who left the bread out.
The adult kids have to pay their own way. They pay rent, part of the utilities, and everyone pays $100 a month into the food kitty. Since we all gained a prompt 15-20 pounds we are cutting that back some. Still... a kid old enough to hold a job must. Otherwise you are enabling them to be a bum. They will have a bum attitude about it and take advantage of the family for as long as they can without any intention to repay what is owed. Let her get a little cold and I bet she comes up with gas money. Other than that let her know you love her and hope to trust her choices... fly little bird.
It is hard but worth the effort.

 

[Beekissed]

Great advice, Pat!!! I agree with this take on things.

My mother has put my dad first for 57 years and never received anything in return but heartache. She hasn't received one gift of any kind all those years from that man...but that is a whole other story. When it comes down to should I leave or should I go, I always say...."Will you be any happier if you leave? If not, just stay and work on YOUR needs and happiness and quit waiting and waiting, and desparately hoping, fretting and waiting for someone to be kind to you or to see your needs.....go out and get 'em, girl!

Have your cake and eat it too! Take that farm job...its going to make you happy. Cut off the DD, tough love is extremely hard~I speak from experience on this one.....it really works, though!!!!

Be firm. Sit down with your family, look them in the eye and say~Its my turn!~ and then stand up, straighten your spine and do all the things that fulfill you. I agree with Pat...when you feel better about yourself and are proud of seeing to your own needs instead of waiting for someone else to be good to you...well...everyone else just doesn't stress you out like they used to.

You don't have to leave your marriage to find happiness. Could be you were just looking for it in the wrong place...no offense to all you guys, but men are just really not tuned in to the emotional needs of a woman and its a rare fellow that is~no matter how much they love you!

I've been coaching my mom about these things and she finally got her driver's license (that dad would never allow her to get!) at the age of 74! If you live with someone who can't see your needs, so what? YOU can see your needs and noone can steal yer birthday!

 

[justusnak]

Jenna....Im gonna tell you my opinion, but please, dont take it wrong. There has been a lot of great advise here so far. The best being....stand up, look around and think what would make YOU happy. Not leaving...thats an " easy way out" that hardly ever ends up being the right decision. You said you married him twice? Well, there HAS to be something there...albeit not the physical contact you want. Take that farm job. That will make you happy. Tell the daughter....its time to go. Tough love is named that for a reason. ITS TOUGH! I had to do this with my son. He "begged" me to give him another chance....his 6th or 7th chance. I closed the door, and the bank account to him. He is haveing it tough....cant keep a job, his girlfriend left with his son, and he is living with one friend or another....sorta a month to month bases. He is miserable, I am hopeing soon he will just take a stand in his life. It hurts me knowing there are times he wont eat for 2 or 3 days. BUT, he knows if he had a job, ANY job, he would be able to make it. He is just lazy. As for your DH...ok, he doesnt buy into the presents...mine either. We have been married 28 years. I have to tell DH when he needs to call HIS parents...holidays, birthdays...whatever. My DH is not a whimpy man...just a little "disconnected" when it comes to family or feelings. I decided a few years ago...I love my DH, but I love ME too. I dont work outside the home..but I do the things I want. My chickens, ducks, gardens, and fruits...MY canning and crafts. If I need a pen, I just tell DH, and we do it together ( with a lot of groaning from him) But, it gets done. We dont sit and talk like some couples....when we go to town together..its a long quiet ride....but we love each other...and either of us would lay our lives down for the other. I would love to have a man that wants to sit and talk, hold hands, have great relations in the bedroom ( where there is none now) or even just be able to have a decent conversation over dinner. But, thats not what I have...and neither do you apparently. Is leaving going to make your life better? You STILL wont have the "relations" you are desireing. Maybe if you work on what makes YOU happy...he will see a "different you" and things will get better. I was where you are, several years ago, and my mother gave me the best advice. Sit by yourself...and think..really hard...If your DH was tragically killed ( car accident, shooting , whatever) How would you feel..and how would you go on? I did this, and cried over an hour. I dont think I COULD go on without him, he is my rock, even tho its moss covered.

 

[Homesteadmom]

Not to cause a conflict here but marriage is a partnership, not a you live your life over there & I'll live mine over here & a few times we can meet in the middle. I'm sorry, but you have to meet in the middle a lot! He can have his way a few times & you your way a few times but most of the time you compromise so everyone wins! And if the person you are with can not & will not do that then by golly, you go your seperate ways & leave their sorry butt behind to be miserable by themselves. I know i have been there, selfish me, me, me people will never change. There is a reason she divorced him the first time & I am sure there were promises made the second time around & they were put to the wayside because he got her again. And you do not just sit by & let your spouse if you really care about them continue on a destructive path especially if it could mean a life or death situation with their health. You kick them in the butt & tell them to take care of it, you go to the DR. with them & fill in the blanks for the doc that spouse leaves out. Our happiness does in some respect become affected by our spouses behavior & a lot of people are better off without them. Selfish people are usually not happy themselves & if they can't be happy they don't want others to be happy either. Telling her to stay is just wrong! What he is doing is abusive behavior & she was not made to be a doormat for anyone.
Would I be better off or happier if dh & I got divorced? In some ways yes & some no(finances mainly for a no). But when his depression is in full swing, I do everything around here & I mean everything!! So if I am doing it all by myself what good is he to me as he makes me depressed too & it affects my children also. But we do love each other & I love him too much to let him just sit there & have a pity party so I make him go to the doc & I go with him & fill in all the gaps. And in return he does the same for me if need be(give & take). Sorry to ramble on, but it just got my goat that everyone said she should "just tolerate the behavior".

 

[Beekissed]

Actually, Justasnak, I'm a kick his butt out who needs him kind of gal! BUT....I also have a lot of friends, sisters and, of course, my mother who are obviously addicted to being treated badly by some fella and can't think of any other way to feel fulfilled.

I know from experience that, if they leave, they will just go back....sometimes several times. SO....if they feel like they just can't live without being forgotten, emotionally baren, and taken advantage of, or they just can't function in life....I just tell them to stay where they obviously like to be the most...and find some way to make themselves happy and stop waiting around for their addiction(hubby, boyfriend, etc.) to make them happy~ain't gonna happen!

Its called co-dependent and it isn't going to stop unless there is some serious therapy...if then even. So, if someone goes back time after time, they like to feel that way, down deep where they can't even see it or are willing to admit to~so I tell them to just stay, but, for heaven's sake, try to find some kind of happiness on the side~just for yourself.

 

[FarmerChick]

hey jenna

whew...you got a few things weighing on you don't you? It is hard isn't it when others can effect you so much. Kinda just doesn't seem fair that you attend to them and get nothing back of value.

marriage is 50/50. It has to be or one spouse suffers so much. Yea we can be selfish and do things for ourselves, and then let the partner be selfish and do things they want to do, but in the end there must be that "we are in this together" attitude or you have problems. (I mean selfish in a good way of course. everyone loves to do things the other doesn't, just because one doesn't enjoy that type of whatever, doesn't mean the other shouldn't do it)---well you know what I mean there....LOL

DD must do for herself. You gotta pull the money trail there. YOU must move forward and not be stopped by being monetarily responsible for a young adult. They must learn and do for themselves. You not taking that great job in farming cause you have to pay her bills should just not happen. YOU must do what you want to do now. Never feel trapped when in reality that person should be doing for themselves.

Your hubby....hmm....he has to contribute to your happiness. He must give you something Jenna or the marriage is not there at all. You just live together. You can do that anywhere with anyone truly.

So for me, if you feel he does give you some happiness and you are content with that.....then stay. If you feel there is no happiness contributed to your life and you only give consessions and don't get anything back...maybe time to leave.

You know what you must do. You just need to pull it all together and work at it.

If leave, prepare yourself to do so.
If staying, find ways to make him contribute to what you require.


you have such a hard decision but I think in your heart you already know what you must do....now is the time to fight for your marriage and commit, or gather strength to walk away and not feel guilty and start a new life with a clean slate.

Best of luck in what you decide. Life is a crapshoot when we make huge decisions. You have a biggie here......just gather strength from within and move forward wtih whatever you decide!!!!!!!

take care