Thanksgiving Stories

[Denim Deb]

Divorcing After 45 Years

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced." Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. "Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares."



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You Might Be A Redneck If:

~You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

~Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

~You've ever re-used a paper plate.

~If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

~If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

~On Thanksgiving Day, you have to decide which pet to eat.

~Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

~Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

~Your stuffings' secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

~Your only condiment on the diningroom table is ketchup.

~Side dishes include beef jerkey and Moon Pies.

~You have to go outside to get something out of the "fridge".

~The directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road".

~You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

~You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

~Your secret family recipe is illegal.

~You serve Vienna Sausages as an appetizer.


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THE SPECIAL OCCASION NAPKINS!!!!!

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors wasajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"


~Author Unknown~

 

[the funny farm6]

i wont tell you how many of the redneck ones apply

 

[Marianne]

Those are good! What really cracked me up was remembering how many dinners we had on the ping pong table. It was the only table large enough for all of us to sit around.

 

[martinwilbert]

hey