Upset and Angry...

[valmom]

That is hard- I have a co-worker in a similar situation, only with her son's daughter (he has custody).

Do not coddle. Do not do favors. Tough love now will (hopefully) make her "use" you more politely. She needs to grow up. It is really, really unfortunate that there is a child involved in the middle of this adolescent temper tantrum. But, you can't help your grandchild if your daughter is determined to use her to get what she wants. It's not good for anyone involved, not even your grandchild. If she is really neglectful can you get DSS involved?

 

[Dace]

You have gotten some really good advice here....I'll just add a hug

 

[papas34]

Sadly we never know the correct thing to do
We have a granddaughter who now lives with us after years of a similar situation.
It was difficult at times and not so difficult at others.
The mother was also very selfish and we just tried to walk that fine line of tuff love and not loosing time with our granddaughter [gd]....
My wife was very good at being close with our gd who grew to see her mother for what she is....as time went on we were the fall to baby sitter...drive to...ect
The mother was off with boyfriends...weekends out of town...jail.
Today our granddaughter lives with us, we have legal rights for signing her up for school, drivers license ect....her mom still gets the child support check from our son, so she loves the extra money and we love knowing our gd is in a much better, stable home.
I must admit it took years and was very difficult at times, but a mother like this will usually look for easy ways to full fill their selfish social needs, just make sure you are that easy way out for her.
Kids are much tuffer than you may think and also smarter....I was surprised when our gd told us, at a very young age, "she never wanted to live like her welfare mom."
I'd like to say our gd is a pretty good kid, we are very proud of her, she is 16 years old, a good student, dependable, good friends, she let's us know where she is and who she is with.......she still never wants to be like here mom.

We did pray...alot and you are in our prayers.

God Bless

 

[2dream]

Morel, You sound like me years ago with my daughters first child.
I look back now and know I should have done things way differently than I did. Or at least think I should have. Who knows it all might have ended up the same way.
Don't let your daughter walk on you - but also, taking your GD from her or even trying will then remove all responsiblilty from her shoulders and give her the opportunity to be even less responsible.
(Thats just food for thought).

Being an available and free babysitting service makes it unlikely you will be denied the right to see your granddaughter. Also being a source of food and help with shelter makes it even more unlikely.

So go ahead and stomp your foot, keep your friend, and shrug your shoulders when DD makes those threats. Tell her to do what she has to do. She may storm off mad but unless she is really capable of standing on her own and taking care of business all by herself, they are just empty threats.

Our children learned a long time ago how to push our buttons. We have to give then a whole new set of buttons somewhere along the way to confuse them. I find, with my daughter, that my indifference to a situation usually makes her back up. I no longer allow any button pushing. My standard answer is "Well, baby, I love you and my grandchildren, but, if you think that is gonna work best for you and them, do what you have to". This is usually followed by a hug if we are in the same room or a verbal, "Call me tomorrow, if you want to". The totally leaves the ball in her court.
I have let her know I love her and that the threats won't work all at the same time, and all with no yelling.

 

[murphysranch]

My standard answer is "Well, baby, I love you and my grandchildren, but, if you think that is gonna work best for you and them, do what you have to". This is usually followed by a hug if we are in the same room or a verbal, "Call me tomorrow, if you want to". The totally leaves the ball in her court.
I have let her know I love her and that the threats won't work all at the same time, and all with no yelling.

Excellent.

 

[MorelCabin]

My standard answer is "Well, baby, I love you and my grandchildren, but, if you think that is gonna work best for you and them, do what you have to". This is usually followed by a hug if we are in the same room or a verbal, "Call me tomorrow, if you want to". The totally leaves the ball in her court.
I have let her know I love her and that the threats won't work all at the same time, and all with no yelling.

Excellent.

I second this one:>) It's what I have been doing...she has threatened me this way twice now, but always finds a way to let us know that we should come and pick up the baby on a Friday night:>) I hate the games, and have been leaving the ball in her court...she does need us, whether she wants to admit it or not:>)
So sorry to hear you are in a situation like this too...daughters, huh?

 

[MorelCabin]

Sadly we never know the correct thing to do
We have a granddaughter who now lives with us after years of a similar situation.
It was difficult at times and not so difficult at others.
The mother was also very selfish and we just tried to walk that fine line of tuff love and not loosing time with our granddaughter [gd]....
My wife was very good at being close with our gd who grew to see her mother for what she is....as time went on we were the fall to baby sitter...drive to...ect
The mother was off with boyfriends...weekends out of town...jail.
Today our granddaughter lives with us, we have legal rights for signing her up for school, drivers license ect....her mom still gets the child support check from our son, so she loves the extra money and we love knowing our gd is in a much better, stable home.
I must admit it took years and was very difficult at times, but a mother like this will usually look for easy ways to full fill their selfish social needs, just make sure you are that easy way out for her.
Kids are much tuffer than you may think and also smarter....I was surprised when our gd told us, at a very young age, "she never wanted to live like her welfare mom."
I'd like to say our gd is a pretty good kid, we are very proud of her, she is 16 years old, a good student, dependable, good friends, she let's us know where she is and who she is with.......she still never wants to be like here mom.

We did pray...alot and you are in our prayers.

I am sooo hoping that our daughter smartens up before anything drastic has to happen. I am happy to hear that your gd is with you and safe! What a lucky girl to have grandparents who care so much about her. I am hoping that my daughter just needs some extra time to grow up...but if need be my grandaughter will always be welcome here too:>)

God Bless

 

[SKR8PN]

I'd give that daughter some tough love alright(you prolly should have started that a looong time ago,but I digress) I'd change my phone number and totally ignore her for a month or two. When she shows up at your door(and you KNOW she will) get gd out of earshot and give dd a tongue lashing like she has never had before. I mean lay it on heavy. Rip her a new one. Lay it on so heavy she cries, and I'm not talkin' no crocodile tears either, we're talking the real deal. A verbal beat down to end all beat downs.

One of two things will come of it.
A) Daughter straightens up and flies right in her life and gives you the respect you deserve for bringing HER arse into the world, AND your relationship with her will be much improved.
B) You never see or hear from her again(We both KNOW that will NEVER happen) BUT if it does, your relationship with her will STILL improve.

It's a win-win situation.

 

[valmom]

SKR8PN- I like your style. But that is so hard to do!

(thankfully, I am not in this position, since my daughter failed the fake computerized baby doll in HS. She put hers out in the barn because she couldn't make the computerized baby stop crying. I informed her that she should NEVER become a mother, and she agreed with me! She is now 27 yo and still not a mother! It worked.)

 

[murphysranch]

So sorry to hear you are in a situation like this too...daughters, huh?

For me, yes my first born and a daughter. 18 and became a crack addict and homeless for 1.5 years. Now at almost 24, she's straight and a mother of three (gak.....I had my kids in my mid 30's) and going to college.

Took tough love and leaving her sick on a curb in front of a 7-11 (the worst) and letting her hit bottom ALL BY HERSELF. Don't think I did this on my own - 2 years of counseling for ME was the way I got thru it.