what to do when your spouse doesn't "get it"...ss that is!

[Cassandra]

Well, I finally came to the conclusion that I am married to a self-absorbed, thoughtless jerk (and I say that in the lovingest way ) and I could either divorce him or work around his character flaws and find ways to meet our goals anyway.

I thought about it. And I DO love him. And I think being without him would be pretty miserable. So, I decided that I would try the work-around solution.

I dare not give him control of the finances. He's never shown any aptitude for keeping that in order! (shudder)

Quitting my job is also indirectly related to this. The little bit of extra income my job generates seems to do nothing but make him lust after electronics. Back when I wasn't working before and we didn't have the extra money, he didn't bawl at me about 'can I have a new video game' all the time.

Based on that, I would suggest that you invest as much money as you can in constructive places and reduce as much as possible the amount he considers 'extra.' Like open college funds, and medical emergency funds and saving for a new (whatever) funds. Not all at once, though.

Present ideas of self sufficiency to him through media that he finds appealing, if you can. I mean, how did YOU begin to become SS? For me, I just wanted to learn how to can green beans and an innocent google search opened up the whole world to me. What is he interested in and how can you relate it to SS for him?

So, basically, I have no idea. But those might be some things to try. LOL

And don't worry about the 'jerk' remark. I call him that to his face all the time. And will kiss him right on the mouth afterwards! :bun

Cassandra

 

[FarmerChick]

I also think that you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. I think this is a good statement for people actually.

Some will change and get a new direction in life, some won't.

Regardless of the situation, everyone in life has what I call "light bulb moments"---something they see or happens makes them change and something clicks inside and voila, new path to follow. New adventure or new hobby or new career path.

But maybe we take the SS thing to far as a "live by or die" rule. Life is shades of gray, never truly black or white so when Tony does something very NOT SS, I kinda just shrug and move forward...cause if I let all this get to me I would crack.

So I do what I like to do, save money, try new SS things, etc.....and work on Tony slowly, and hope one day he jumps on MY bandwagon..HA HA HA

I don't know.....sometimes I just have to give and relax. Best thing for me...LOL


just rambling out some feelings.

 

[Dace]

I am in the same boat...while DH appreciates my efforts and does admire some of what I am about, he definitely does not think like me, never has. I am quite practical ( to a fault) and he appears to fly by the seat of his pants. In his eternal optimism he believes that EVERYTHING is possible ...I tend to worry about and focus on the potential negative outcomes... the what ifs.

While he does not have a frugal bone in his body, he balances me out nicely and every once in a while I catch a glimmer of hope that he is catching on!

For me, I am happy doing my thing and knowing that I am making good choices, for us, for myself, for the environment and hopefully for my future. I think some of my mindset rubs off on my kids so that is very valuable to me.

Last year we were driving a long ans my 12 yr old son pointed at a giant front lawn and said what a huge waste of water and space that was...they should plant veggies there instead! I was so proud
Yesterday my 17 yr old and I were stopping by the dollar tree in search of that ever elusive Washing Soda. When I explained how my goal this year was to switch to all natural non toxic cleaning supplies and why she asked "mom, can one person really make a difference?" Those conversations tell me that I am on the right path!

 

[FarmerChick]

good post Dace! You made me smile!


with Nicole being almost 4 it backfires on me now. I have the light on at night working in the soap room and she comes in and says, "we have to save electricity" and puts me in the dark!!!!!

hmm....

 

[Dace]

good post Dace! You made me smile!


with Nicole being almost 4 it backfires on me now. I have the light on at night working in the soap room and she comes in and says, "we have to save electricity" and puts me in the dark!!!!!

hmm....

LOL...gotta love kids! At least she is aware....sometimes I wonder about mine. I even gave them the bill to look at and offered a reward if we could bring it down. They were great for a while but then we moved. Haven't got the new bill yet.

 

[FarmerChick]

LOL life gets in the way of lessons sometimes..HA HA

 

[lorihadams]

Its hard cause my family is not a help. When my mom and granny come to visit they bring paper towels!

When I told my MIL that I was making my own laundry detergent she looked at me and said do you want me to give you some money to go buy some tide, really!

I have made small steps with him...he uses the laundry detergent and vinegar for rinse, he has cut waaaaaaayyyy down on paper towel use, he likes the chickens (which is what got me started on this whole adventure of SS) and he is trying to remember to recycle.

Then he'll get mad at me if I mention shopping at Goodwill. I told him that I wanted to find some flannel sheets to make napkins and he says, "I don't want to wipe my face on someone's nasty sheets."

I guess I just have to keep chipping away at him! If we build a house then we are going to have some major discussions about eco friendly building materials... Thanks, ya'll...

 

[Better Half]

I don't have an answer, just writing to offer my support. I'm in the same boat. Not a clue as to how to get my DH to change his evil ways. When you figure your man out please share your methods.

Why is it that on TV it's the woman who wastes money? Here it seems to be the men. I'd like to hear from men who are frugal. My grandpa and one uncle are frugal to an extreme. There must be other men out there who can tell us how to turn our men around.

 

[keljonma]

When we first started thinking ss as a deliberate path, I put the money saved (in some cases the difference between cost of homemade and price of store bought) in a jar. At the end of the first year, we bought a needed small appliance. The second year, we went on a small family vacation. The ability to have "found money" can be quite intoxicating!

I'm lucky that although we've had our differences, my dh does appreciate how healthy we have been since cutting out all the chemical crap out of our lives. So there's an approach that might work for you.

I use flannel to back my heavy winter quilts. I usually get the flannel sheets from the thrift also. After a washing at home, they are the same as YOUR nasty sheets..... Maybe instead of providing him all the details in the beginning, just say you bought some fabric for quilts. After he sees the end results, and you know the end money results, he may come around. Put the money difference between buying a new quilt and the cost of making one away for savings.

I hear ya about the homemade laundry soap. My mom made her own jams and fruit butters, so I was used to making jam every year. While my mil came from a farm family, she gave up making anything from scratch, except cookies and cakes, after she became an RN in the 40's. The first year I presented my in laws with homemade jams, mil asked me if we were having financial difficulties that we couldn't afford to purchase "the real stuff" from the store.

I love to take books out of the library that are about eco-building, recycling, ss ideas. I leave them out on the coffee table for the two weeks I have them. Every now and then, dh will say something that I know he got from one of those books.

Keep on the path.... you'll get there...


edited for spelling

 

[Beekissed]

you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink.

.....you can, however, salt down his feed!

An old timer told me that once! I wonder how that would translate to this problem....how to make an obtuse partner want to budget?

Quit your job so he only has one income to play with? Start spending right along with him, no...more than him! (just save the receipts! ) Bring home something big ticket every night and when he asks what in the world has gotten into you, tell him ~if ya can't beat em, join 'em! Spend, spend, spend it all before he gets to....then hand him the bills and say~here ya go...these are yours~I'M going shopping! Oh, and BTW, I hired a maid as I don't want to clean anymore and a babysitter for the kids, as we obviously have plenty of money for these things!

Reverse psychology....hmmmmmmm...would it work, ya think?