Wood-type Jokes...?

[heretoday]

My husband told me a good one he found on BeliefNet this morning:

Jesus was out walking near the Gates of Heaven when he heard a frail old man calling, "Hello? Hello?"
Jesus answers, "Who is it?"
"Just an old carpenter searching for my son."
Jesus' heart leaped. He called back, "Joseph?"
The voice replied, "Pinocchio?"

 

[heretoday]

One day a carpenter named Bob walked into the Doctor's office. The receptionist asked him what he had. Bob replied, "Shingles". The lady took his health insurance information and told him to take a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a Medical Assistant came out and asked Bob what he had. He replied, "Shingles". So the MA put him in an exam room, took his vital signs and his medical history and told him to wait for the Doctor.
Half an hour later a Nurse came in and asked Bob what he had. He said, "Shingles". She took blood for testing, did an electrocardiogram, told Bob to take off his clothes and wait for the Doctor.
An hour later, the Doctor came in and asked Bob what he had. Bob replied, "Shingles."
The Doctor asked him, "Where?"
Buford answered, "Outside, in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

[heretoday]

Bob goes to see his supervisor at the millwork shop.
He says, "Boss, my wife is doing some heavy spring cleaning, and she wants me home tomorrow to help with the attic and the garage, you know, moving and hauling stuff."
His boss replies, "Sorry, Bob, but we're short handed. I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, Boss", Bob says with a smile. "I knew I could count on you!"

 

[heretoday]

A woodworker had that kind of neighbour that always borrows your tools and never returns them. One day, he was so frustrated about the situation that he called up his neighbour and asked him, "OK if I put my table saw and router in your garage?"
"Sure", the mooch said. "But why?"
"Because", the woodworker replied, "I'd just like to have all my tools in one place."

 

[heretoday]

The seven-year-old son of a carpenter got separated from his father at a large woodworking show. Remembering what his parents told him to do in such a situation, he sought out a security guard and told him that he had gotten lost from his dad.
Seeking some information that might point out the boy's father, the security guard asked him, "What's your dad like?"
"Mom says beer and women" replied the boy.

 

[heretoday]

A termite walks into a pub and asks: "Where is the bar tender?"
I think that's a bit of a "way homer"...

 

[heretoday]

One night a wife saw her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. As she watched, the husband looked down with mixed emotions flitting across his face. She saw disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.
The wife put her arms around her husband, and said, "Penny for your thoughts?"
"It's amazing," he answered, "How can they make a crib like that for $49.99?"

 

[heretoday]

Jim and Joe are framing a house. Jim notices that Joe is throwing away nearly every second nail, and becomes concerned. He asks, "What are you doing?!"
Joe replies, "The heads are on the wrong end."
Jim can't believe Joe's stupidity. "You idiot, save them for the other side!"

 

[heretoday]

A quite aged woodworker was checking out tools at his local building supply store. He picked up a hammer and regarded it thoughtfully.
"Don't make these hammers like they used to," he said to himself. "Why, I've had the same one for fifty years; just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."

 

[heretoday]

Joe's shop was on fire; he was on the line with the fire department, naturally quite upset.
"What's your address, sir?" the fireman asked.
"It's umm...umm...I can't remember!" Joe yelled.
"Calm down sir!" the fireman said. "If we don't have your address, how can we possibly get there?"
"Use your big red truck with the siren!" Joe shrieked.