Wood-type Jokes...?

[heretoday]

A new helper was hired at the wood shop and was duly sent out in the morning for coffee.
He held up the thermos for the waitress to see. "Will this hold six cups?"
"Sure", says the waitress.
"Good," the helper replied. "Give me two black, one with cream , and three with cream and sugar."

 

[heretoday]

A logging company was in the market for a new lumberjack, and who should apply but a short skinny little fellow who looked like he couldn't even pick up an axe. The manager told him told him he wouldn't hire him.
"Just give me a chance," Shorty pleaded.
"Well, alright," sighed the manager. "Go cut down that cedar over there."
In a matter of minutes, Shorty entered the office and said, "Tree's cut, now will you hire me?"
The manager was shocked. "You cut down that tree faster than my best lumberjack could. Where did you learn to wield an axe like that?"
"Sahara Forest", Shorty responded, proudly.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Sure, that's what they call it now!"

 

[heretoday]

A woodworker named Barry called his boss one morning and said, "I'm sorry Boss, but I won't be coming to work today. I've got a headache, a stomach ache, and my legs hurt something awful. I just can't make it in."
The Boss begins to wheedle Barry, "I really need you today, Barry! You know, when I feel bad like you do, I ask my wife to have sex with me. That always makes me feel better and up to work. Why don't you give it a try?"
Two hours later Barry calls the Boss again, "I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be coming in right away. By the way, Boss, you sure do have a nice house."

 

[heretoday]

A chimp walks into a bar. He jumps up on the stool and orders a beer.
"You're a talking chimpanzee!" says the amazed bartender.
"Obviously," replies the chimp. "I was working construction across the street, but they've laid me off. So where's my beer?"
Each day the chimp comes into the bar and orders a beer, becoming more and more depressed about not finding a job.
One day the circus comes to town, and the owner happens to come into the bar. The bartender mentions the talking chimp to the owner.
The next day the chimp comes in for his beer. The bartender says, "I've got great news for you! You can get a job with the circus!"
"The circus," muses the chimp. They have a big canvas tent, don't they?"
"That's right," answers the bartender, "they do."
"Wonder what they need with a finishing carpenter for?" wonders the chimp.

 

[heretoday]

Elmer had cut firewood by hand with axe and saw, making his living by it for fifty years. He averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college, and after watching his dad work, he remarked, "You know, Dad, you could cut ten times that much if you bought a chainsaw."
"Not interested in anything newfangled," Elmer said.
After his son went back to college, Elmer thought it over and began to think that maybe the boy was right. Elmer was being bothered by aches and pains more and more at night. So, he went into town and bought him a top of the line chainsaw.
The first few days weren't productive at all, he only cut one cord. Three days later he had cut three cords, and was dead tired. "This isn't working. My son is wacky if he thinks I can cut ten cords a day. I'm taking this sorry thing back!"
Next day at the hardware store, the sales clerk tried to figure out what was wrong with the saw. "Hmmm, let's just start it up."
"What the hell is that noise?" Elmer hollered.

 

[heretoday]

Mr Miser ran an efficient shop where everyone had to pull their weight or face immediate unemployment.
On this day he happened to spy a young man dawdling outside the foreman's office, looking off into space and doing absolutely nothing.
Mr Miser immediately confronted him. "How much do you make?"
"Three hundred dollars a week, Sir," replied the young man.
Mr Miser whipped out his wallet and counted out the cash. "Here's two weeks' pay," he snarled. "Get out of here and never come back!" The surprised young man obeyed instantly.
No sooner had he gone, the foreman returned. "Had a little trouble with the thickness sander, Mr Miser," he said, looking around. "What happened to the kid from the deli? I told him to wait right here for our lunch order."

 

[heretoday]

A local construction company needed to hire another carpenter. Two applicants took the written aptitude test. After the tests were looked over, the foreman told the two that the first person was hired.
"I don't understand!" the applicant said. "We both answered nine questions correctly, why does HE get the job?"
The foreman replied, "Well, you both missed number five, but he answered "I don't know", and you answered, "Neither do I."

 

[heretoday]

Three guys are sitting on a beam ten floors up, totally depressed about their lunches.
The electrician says, "I'm so sick and tired of ham sandwiches. If I have to eat one tomorrow, I swear I shall jump to my death!"
"I feel the same way about tuna!" said the plumber.
"Yuck, lettuce and tomato!" says the carpenter.
The next day the open their lunchboxes, and what they should they find but the same sandwiches. Over the edge they go!
At the funeral the electrician's wife says, "If I had only known how he felt about ham sandwiches!"
The plumber's wife sobbed, "Oh, if he'd told me he hated tuna!"
The carpenter's wife mused, "I don't understand it, he made his own lunches."

Why is this a bogus joke? Carpenters wouldn't jump because the others did. Carpenters follow their own path, and vegetarian carpenters even more so!

 

[heretoday]

Teacher: We all know about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. He didn't lie about it, and told his father the truth. Why do you think that his father didn't punish him?
Kid: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

 

[katharina]

The foreman replied, "Well, you both missed number five, but he answered "I don't know", and you answered, "Neither do I."

Good gracious, where *do* you come up with these?! We all can use a good dose of giggle in these rough times and I've had more than my share here.