Aidenbaby's Anti-Suburban Sprawl

[keljonma]

I have the Fireproof movie, couples guide and also Love Dare book. I just got turned off by it when initially, it seemed to work but then he just slid right back into old habits no matter what I did. I think that while writing this, I've more or less decided to try to do the program again and this time to stay the course until the end (at very least). I'm hoping you guys can help me. My parents are divorced and, for me, I don't want that to be an option. It's hard not to think about it when the times get tough. I'm going to keep trying. I'm sorry if this seems ambiguous.

Aidenbaby, as already mentioned, there isn't a couple that hasn't had their issues and problems to work out. DH and I have been together over 30 years, but we divorced and remarried (each other). It would not be anything I would recommend....

We have each completed the Love Dare and are now doing the Fireproof Bible study for couples together with a group from our church. Do the Love Dare again by yourself, as you mentioned you were thinking of doing. Be serious about it and commit yourself to each day's reading and exercise. You can only change yourself. Seeing Christ working in you has the capacity to change your husband.

 

[Blackbird]

Kelle; let me guess, you ordered the strawberries from Gurneys or Henry Fields?

Both Gurneys and Henry Fields were bought out by the same person, and since then they have gone down hill...

My mom ordered the Evers and got the Junes instead too.
What did your first batch that died look like? Last year we had the exact same problem and will probably have it this year. They were looking pretty sad and most of the stems and leaves that were starting to grow were rotton when we got them, same thing this year..

I hope you leave the pear trees in the ground.. sometimes they conk out for a while and will come back the next year. We ordered one last year and it did the same thing, but this year its starting to grow (even though a certain someone broke it at the roots).

However, I've got no advice for your marriage. None of my dad's siblings (10 of them) and himself are still married to their first spouse, and my mom's parents have been married I've no idea how many times... Good luck!?

Scratch that, one of my aunts and her husband are still married. 1 outta 11 is better than nothing right?

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Aidenbaby, Dh and I had a time when we fought all the time. I almost left, twice. We only had our first 2 children at the time. I think I shared this with someone else on here, but I'll share it with you, too.

DH and I both enjoy puzzles. It takes us usually 3-4 days to put a 1000 piece puzzle together, sometimes less if we stay up late (lol).

After one of our spats, I pulled out this puzzle I had purchased. I sat at the table (DH and I weren't speaking to eachother at this point) after having put the kids to bed and started sorting out the edge pieces of this puzzle. The first two evenings, I worked on the puzzle by myself, still DH and I weren't speaking. On the 3rd evening DH sat down at the table with me and started to work some of the pieces. On the 4th evening I put the kids to bed an hour earlier than usual, so DH and I could work on the puzzle. It was this evening we finally started talking to eachother. Small talk at first, but it then turned into issues we needed to resolve.

This has turned into a monthly tradition. Each month we look for either a used puzzle or cheap new puzzle. We don't always get to sit each evening and do a puzzle, either, but we limit ourselves financially to one puzzle a month.

Now, maybe you and your DH don't like puzzles, maybe you like movies and popcorn??? Maybe you like something else...but find something the two of you both enjoy, choose at least 1 night a week to either put the kids to bed early, or once a month have them stay at a friends, and have an evening each week when you and your husband focus on nothing but eachother.

I would also suggest discussing some counseling to your husband. The puzzle thing worked for DH and I, and we joke that it was "the best counseling we ever had", but that doesn't mean it works out that way for everyone. You just need to find that "one thing" that will open the communication between you and your husband. That's what DH and I had to do, and we were able to do it without outside help, but not everyone can.

I hope things get better for you and your husband!


ETA: My SIL's grandmother once told my brother and I that each person in a relationship should give 75%, so that you have 150% put into the marraige. Personally, I disagree. I think each person should be giving 100% to their marraige, that way 200% is put into making it work.

Something else, and I know there will be people who don't agree with this but, I never put my children before my husband. My husband is the reason I have my children, and he has the place of honor as the head of our home. I may make my children's plates when it is dinner time first, but they aren't allowed to begin eating until Daddy has his plate. The reason is this: I was married to my husband before the kids came, we're raising our children together, and once the kids are grown and gone, my husband (I hope) will still be here after the kids move on.

 

[TanksHill]

Very well put Quail. I know it sounds old fashioned but most men like to feel important and at the top of your list. We do puzzles together as well. Gives us a sense of teamwork and accomplishment.

I have no advice Aiden on the other stuff. I have a hard enough time trying to balance my own affairs. No pun intended. I do know though that my dh is the farthest thing from being interested in my ss goals and skills.... The home and family comes first and all my other "hobbies" I do after. Or at least I try to.

I like the idea of having date night or even just time with your spouse. That's something we have a hard time accomplishing. I'll have to work on that as well.

Good luck, gina

 

[DrakeMaiden]

TanksHill's post reminds me to mention that guys really open up when you compliment them on something they have done. I always forget this, because I don't expect anyone to compliment or thank me for doing what I do around the house/garden, but guys really appreciate it and it tends to encourage them to be more helpful (if they know they will be appreciated for it).

 

[Aidenbaby]

I don't know what is going on but I have not been hungry at dinner time at all. Usually, even if I eat junk food all day, I'll eat a whole chicken breast myself. Lately, I can only eat about 1/2 of my dinner.

I saw an episode of Oprah where these people ate around 11 pounds of raw fruits and veggies every day for 12 days (they were monitored and stayed in a zoo. They called it the evolution diet. Anyway, these people's cholesterol levels dropped by a whopping 23% on average. They also lost an immense amount of belly fat. Of course, they were running to the bathroom quite frequently due to the increased volume of fiber. I'm seriously thinking of using it to help reset my taste buds away from sugars, salts and carbs. I'm good about not eating any added salts. It's those darned sugars and carbs that KILL me. I can maintain the level I'm at with no problem (I'll admit it, I'm around 170) but I am desperately wanting to drop around 20-40 pounds.

 

[keljonma]

I think fresh fruit and veggies are pretty filling - I think it would be hard to eat 11 pounds of it a day! I suppose running to the toilet is their exercise??

 

[Beekissed]

Something else, and I know there will be people who don't agree with this but, I never put my children before my husband. My husband is the reason I have my children, and he has the place of honor as the head of our home. I may make my children's plates when it is dinner time first, but they aren't allowed to begin eating until Daddy has his plate. The reason is this: I was married to my husband before the kids came, we're raising our children together, and once the kids are grown and gone, my husband (I hope) will still be here after the kids move on.

I'm one of those people, Aly! That may work with a good man like you have, but it was disastrous in my family. I don't know much about marriage, as mine lasted less than a year....but I know about kids. My mother always put my dad before us kids and it was hellish. There were so many bad things that happened to us because she didn't want Dad to get upset or do something irrational if he found out about them. Now she only has 2 kids out of 9 that will love and support her. And none that want anything to do with him.

I think children need their mother's protection, even if it means that daddy doesn't get his way all the time. I could tell you all kinds of sad stories about kids who play second fiddle to dad and I vowed that it would never happen to my kids. Those kids will be taking care of you both in your old age....if you are lucky enough to have kids that still love and respect you after you have lived only for each other all those years.

 

[Blackbird]

Bee, I know exactly what you mean!
Thats how my mom used to be, not so much now, but was when I was smaller. She spent so much time trying to make someone happy who could and would never truly appreciate it, someone who felt that it was expected, and that they deserved a hand maid for everything.
I see it like this, you weren't born deserving everything that you could possibly want, so sure as hell don't deserve getting any in a 'me me me' self centered marriage. In other words, some people need to learn to give and take.
And now unfortunatly only 2(myself included) out of 5 kids seem to care about my mom. And none really want anything to do with my dad, for good reason.

But, I'm glad its going ok for you Aly, from what you say, your husband seems very nice.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Well, maybe I should clarify! IF my husband was abusing his place as head of the home, if he was abusing me or my children, you betcha he wouldn't be first!

I should say, putting your husband first only works if he is the kind of man he should be.

Bee, what your describing from your childhood was an abuse situation, NOT a situation where mom and dad worked together as a team. That's a BIG difference. I firmly believe that a person's priorities should be God, Spouse, Children. God has to be the One you go to, He's the one ultimately in control. Your spouse is (in God's ideal plan) your helpmate, not your doormat, not your boss, your equal, and your children are the fruits of your union.

Bee, it sounds like your mom kept things secret from your dad out of fear. That's never a good combination in a marraige, especially with children!

I grew up without my dad. I got to see him a whole whopping 2 times that I remember in my life before he died. I was 21 when my dad died in a car wreck, my daughter was 10 months old, and he never knew he was a grandpa.

I vowed that when I married, it would be forever. My children would all have the same father, and they would grow up forever knowing their father.

It goes both ways, too. My husband puts me before the children, but IF I was an abuser, you betcha he'd be protecting the kids. When it comes to outsiders, our kids come before anyone, in our family, we put eachother first. We don't just behave this way without explaining it to our children, either. It's not like we put eachother before the kids to the point of neglecting the children. It's has to be in balance. We don't ignore our children to keep eachother happy.

For example: We like a cup of morning coffee before we cook breakfast and sit as a family for our morning meal. DH and I get up before the children, have our coffee, and then when the kids wake up we have breakfast as a family. That's what I mean when I say we put eachother first. We find time to be alone before the kids are up, and again after the kids are in bed.