Aidenbaby's Anti-Suburban Sprawl

[Aidenbaby]

The past two days DH and I have been fighting. I wish I could say that it wasn't over anything big but I think it is. DH has NO GOALS for his life. Seriously! I asked him what his dreams are since mine are to have a small hobby farm and try to live self-suficiently. His answer, "be happy and do what I want when I want." It made me want to beat him over the head with a brick (ok, maybe not a brick but I was pretty steamed.) Basically, he told me that he doesn't want any responsibility whatsoever. Why did you marry me then? Why did we have kids? Why do you have 2 cats (that he never feeds or changes their litter box)? I claim the other 2 as one is my moms and I talked him into the last one.

This morning he gets up late... again, and says he doesn't think he'l have enough time to run to the store and get the lasagna he planned to bring to work (takes 2 hours to cook from frozen). I'm like, ok, what do you want me to do about it. ANOTHER FIGHT! He wants his damned freedom but can't make a decision when it comes to bringing food for HIS job's potluck?

Yesterday, the kids were up for a couple of hours (with me) and around 10:00am I go into the bedroom and tell him that I need a break because I've been working hard all that morning and the kids were feeling their oats that day. His response to their whining and bickering and my request for a break? "Why did I wake up today?" I was SO angry.

It isn't just the fighting, though. A lot of my issue is that after we fight he likes to throw one man pity parties. "Poor me, my wife does EVERYTHING for me and expects me to help out." It's probably painfully obvious that I'm am fed up and extremely exhausted. I don't know how to inspire him to create life goals. His parents never taught him to set up goals and create babysteps to accomplish them or to work hard for the things he wants. He mopes around because he has NO direction and then gets upset because not only do I have direction but I am accomplishing my goals. He doesn't understand that all of my "hobbies" are productive for a reason.

The reason I wanted to marry him is that when we work together (we did actually work together and live together 24 /7 for 3 years with little to no fights) we are a force not to be reckoned with. He is really good at the broad things and I am good at the details that require hyperfocus. I can see the potential for a fantastic marriage. It's just hidden behind his laziness and lack of motivation and my anger and frustration. I'm having a hard time NOT being angry with him and it just grows more everytime I see him doing nothing when I'm struggling so hard.

I have the Fireproof movie, couples guide and also Love Dare book. I just got turned off by it when initially, it seemed to work but then he just slid right back into old habits no matter what I did. I think that while writing this, I've more or less decided to try to do the program again and this time to stay the course until the end (at very least). I'm hoping you guys can help me. My parents are divorced and, for me, I don't want that to be an option. It's hard not to think about it when the times get tough. I'm going to keep trying.

I'm sorry if this seems ambiguous.

 

[inchworm]

Kelle,

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. We all hit them at some point, often when we least expect it. I must admit that adulthood has turned out to be harder than I expected :/

Not really knowing anything, I suspect dh is dealing with some issues of his own -- some lost dreams, a feeling of lack of control, waking up one day and thinking, "Is this it?" Try to find some joy. Do something fun. Break up the monotony. I know how it is with the little ones and the house and paying the bills and running the chores. But don't lose yourselves because you are busy dealing with all the things that need to be done. Trust me - those things will always be there. Do something spontaneous like what you used to do before the kids. Help him find his core self and his true dreams and maybe you will meet that part of him again, too.



Inchworm

 

[farmerlor]

I agree that a little break for the two of you might be called for but it's also time for some serious communication. Using lots of "I" language (i.e. "I feel like I'm doing this marriage and parenting thing all by myself") and avoiding altogether phrases like "you always" and "you never" I'd have a serious discussion on what the expectations are for each of you. Let him know that you are going to talk for a few minutes and he's not allowed to break in and argue and then it's his turn with the same rules for you. You need to be heard and you need to hear what he has to say so the frustration level will go down a notch or two and the two of you can stop arguing about things that probably don't matter.
JMO.

 

[punkin]

Aidenbaby,

I'm so sorry you are having problems. When you and your spouse don't mesh, it just puts the whole weight of the world on your shoulders.

I agree with the others. Take a break from the everyday - have a picnic and take the kids to a playground. Look for any free entertainment in your area. Sometimes we just get in a rut and get aggravated at the least little thing.

I truely hope everything works out for you.

 

[lorihadams]

I have been where you are and I had let things get to the point that we needed counseling and I went on medication for depression/anxiety. We bicker constantly and I have intimacy issues (nothing to do with DH). It takes a lot of patience and understanding. It may be a good idea to see a counselor, just to get someone's unbiased opinion. Hope everything gets better.

 

[2dream]

I think most everyone has been where you are right now. It is part of the married, kids, responsibility thing.

I think inchworm may have hit on something with the lost dreams, is this all there is. You said he wanted NO RESPONSIBILITY. That tells me he is trying to deal with his own issues. You have been busy with your dreams and the kids. He probably feels like he is on the back burner and nobody cares what he wants.

Everyone here I think understands and has some good advice. You might want to really consider that talk like farmerlor suggested with cautious language. Just remember that you are starting the talk and being careful of the language issues. He probably won't because he is not here reading this. So try not to get upset if he starts slinging mud. Stay calm and try to read between the lines and pick out what is really eating at him.

 

[DrakeMaiden]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

Careful communication, including walking away if things go south, instead of arguing, is best.

It does sound like he is in a rut for some reason.

Getting out and away from things is good. Change of perspective and all.

Yep, we all go through this kind of stuff. If you stick with it, you can make it through. But sometimes it feels never-ending. Keep your chin up!

 

[Aidenbaby]

So no arguing with DH today. That's a good thing. He said he will install the new (new to us anyway) dryer that we traded for time with the rototiller. I don't actually expect him to install it tonight as there are a few thing that need to be done first. We need to replace the outside vent cover and cut the exhaust tube down in size so that it fits better.

Back Yard News:
I was checking the potatoes today and they are starting to push the dirt up. YEAH!! So far, potatoes are easy to grow. Some of the sweet potatoes are growing (about 1/2) but I should be getting the new ones shortly. The first ones had crunchy leaves and dry roots by the time they got here last time. They had been shipped during a 2 day 90 degree heat wave. I, also, put the tomato seedlings and cucumbers in the ground.

Front Yard News:
I finished putting in the Junebearing strawberries in the ground. The first batch had ALL died so I'm giving it another try. Hopefully, these won't croak. I checked on my carrots, mesclun and lettuce and it looks like they are sprouting well. I think my pear is trying to die and may have a disease. Some of the leaves are turning yellowish and curling. Others turn straight to black and die after initially looking healthy. If anyone knows what this could be, I'd sure appreciate the input.

 

[modern_pioneer]

I read your post and was thinking what I could bring to the table that would offer advice and guide you. Then the only thing I could think of was more negative than positive.

I'd pinch those blossoms off the strawberrys until June.

 

[Aidenbaby]

They are bare root plants. There won't be any this year no matter what. However, you are absolutely right that they need to be kept in check until the roots are firmly established. I'll probably trim any and all blossoms this year anyway. I want good strong plants for next year. My everbearing plants are on back order until next year.