boundaries and privacy

[elijahboy]

well after saying that you need to put your foot down

however you will one day miss what your mother does for you even though it is annoying

i would confront her about entering your home without contacting you and after confronting her if she doesnt change her ways then just change the locks

but hey who doesnt want to come home to a tidy house without having to do the work

 

[The Vail Benton's]

Ok, I have a better picture of your situation now... are your grandparents who live on the farm your mother's parents? Maybe you can go to them for advice?

 

[bibliophile birds]

but hey who doesnt want to come home to a tidy house without having to do the work

i know. one part of my brain is so pissed at me for being upset about this. i mean, if she just did the dishes and vacuumed i probably wouldn't be upset... but then i feel bad for being hypocritical and thinking that "using" my mom like that is good. i HATE these kinds of conundrums.

are your grandparents who live on the farm your mother's parents?

they're my dad's parents. they have been known to help themselves to tools that don't belong to them, so i don't think they would be especially helpful.

i'm making my family sound so horrible! they really aren't evil people bent on home invasion, but i think they're all just too used to this kind of communal living and don't think there's anything wrong with it. having been away for most of 9 years, maybe i just need to readjust to life around here. i guess my boundaries are a little firmer than everyone else's.

 

[elijahboy]

but then i feel bad for being hypocritical and thinking that "using" my mom like that is good.

nope dont think of it like that

your mom has this mommy itch in her and it helps her to get it out just tell her she doesnt need to starch your entire home like a pair of jeans standing in the corner

 

[freemotion]

I noticed that you said on "our farm." Is it their farm? Or "our" farm? Be sure you are clear of the relationship, too.

It sounds like it could be a fantastic living arrangement if you can work it out.

Seperate living spaces will probably go a long way in saving and preserving those close family ties.

the farm is owned by the family trust, of which i am a shareholder (we have several businesses which we jointly own as a family). my parents own the parcel of land their house actually sits on, but it is surrounded on 3 sides by the farm. i live over a mile away (as the crow flies) on the actual farm. so we do have separate living spaces.

it's a fantastic living arrangement 90% of the time. my dad and i both work on the farm, but get to go to our own homes at the end of the day. my sister and my niece live over the hill from me. my grandparents live on the other side of the woods. it's the best when you want to have an impromptu bbq! we just congregate at the lake and hang out. i just can't give all that up. there has to be middle ground.

Oh, that is VERY different. You are part-owner. You really need to have a serious talk, and then constant reminders. Or just change the locks....but talking first would be best.

No, I don't think you are making your family sound horrible. Sounds like normal venting and frustration to me. You just have to clarify the boundaries, and enforce them, kindly but firmly. Thanks, Mom, I really appreciate the sentiment, however......I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. (Yes, give her something and suck up a bit. It generally works better.)

Have fun! Family! Sheesh!

 

[SKR8PN]

bibliophile birds..I am going to tell you to rethink your position on this.

I am 56 years old, and my mother had a key to my house since the day I bought it, 26 years ago. She was very respectful of our privacy, and would always call before coming over(she lived about 10 miles away) I used to LOVE to come home after a trip to the parts house or the junk yard, to find my mom down in the basement/rec room, playing the slot machine and doing laundry. If she felt the need to "tidy up" she would just gather the laundry, run the sweeper, do dishes, or one time, I even came home to her cleaning the windows! There was always a fresh pot of coffee on so we could sit down and talk for a minute. I would give anything, and I do mean ANYTHING to have her around to do those things today.

You only get ONE mother, and you only get to enjoy her company while she is alive. When she is gone, she is gone forever. In the big scheme of things, has she really done anything THAT bad?? Forget her little indiscretions, and embrace the time you have together because it IS way to short. There WILL come a time when she won't be there when you'd like to invite her over to chat over a coffee. Just my $.02 cents worth.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

bibliophile birds..I am going to tell you to rethink your position on this.

I am 56 years old, and my mother had a key to my house since the day I bought it, 26 years ago. She was very respectful of our privacy, and would always call before coming over(she lived about 10 miles away) I used to LOVE to come home after a trip to the parts house or the junk yard, to find my mom down in the basement/rec room, playing the slot machine and doing laundry. If she felt the need to "tidy up" she would just gather the laundry, run the sweeper, do dishes, or one time, I even came home to her cleaning the windows! There was always a fresh pot of coffee on so we could sit down and talk for a minute. I would give anything, and I do mean ANYTHING to have her around to do those things today.

You only get ONE mother, and you only get to enjoy her company while she is alive. When she is gone, she is gone forever. In the big scheme of things, has she really done anything THAT bad?? Forget her little indiscretions, and embrace the time you have together because it IS way to short. There WILL come a time when she won't be there when you'd like to invite her over to chat over a coffee. Just my $.02 cents worth.

 

[FarmerChick]

this hit me funny cause I am the opposite
my privacy with my parents doesn't have the level as with "friends or others" ya know.

my mom and dad could open my mail, take care of my house, clean my house, etc. etc. and I would love their help. I don't have anything to hide from them and "they" think they are helping, so to me it doesn't hit into invasion of privacy. I guess it sure banks of what your level of invasion is in your personality.

My inlaws take care of my animals and home when camping. My FIL told my MIL that I would get so mad if she cleaned up the house etc while I was gone. I came home and she was biting her nails....worried I would freak....I loved it and said thank you a million times, the house was so neat...hahaha

But for me it isn't an all the time occurence or I don't feel like it is "always going to happen" having someone come into the home and "do something" to my stuff so I guess my view is not as dramatic to me.

Don't lose your parents over this or fight with your Mom. Talk again to her. Don't ask your parents to get your mail, take care of your home, nothing if you don't want it to happen. Or just give them a key for when you are gone and get that key back when you come home. Or move.

best of luck in getting that straightened out. You will.

 

[sylvie]

The mail issue was mentioned a few times so I suggest a PO Box.
Your mail will still be addressed to your residence, but you pick it up at the post office.

 

[justusnak]

Hey BB....take what I have to say with a grain of salt..My mother passed away a few years ago...so I might seem a little sensitive to this. ok...

Haveing your mother coming in and "careing " for your home is one thing...doing the wash, running the sweeper, heck, even makeing the bed. ( THIS used to freak me out) "Fileing" paperwork, well....everyone just has thier own way of doing things. Your situation seems different than most peoples...so, this is what I would do.
Call mom over for coffee and cake...or tea and cookies...whatever. Once she gets there...start the conversation like this.

" Mom, I really want to thank you for coming over and helping with the house, but can I ask you a favor? My mail and papers, can you just leave them for me to take care of? I think we have a different fileing system, and I had a hard time finding things you put away for me. I appreciate it, but if I dont put it there, then I cant find it"

We used to live across the street from my mother...and she had a key as well. She would come and "tidy up" for me, when I was working, but always just stacked ANY papers on the table, for me to go through.
It sounds like you have a WONDERFULL family...your not makeing them sound horrible at all! Its a "mom thing" to want to "help" Try not to let this ruin your relationship with your family...the time will come...when family will be all we have..and we will need them.
Good luck, I hope you can get this settled.