Cecilia's Journal

[Cecilia's-life]

I only talked to her for about 2 hours and I feel like all I see is myself looking back at me.

It was like a mirror. The fear, the confusion, the pain. But there was one look in her eyes that was different from my own. Joy. As much as know this is going to be a long road for her, she’s so excited at the thought of a little bundle of love. I think that shows her innate faith in the lord.

 

[NH Homesteader]

 

[Cecilia's-life]

To all those sending there condolences to me; I thank you deeply but I don't need it.

I’ve healed. I regret and I mourn, but I’ve healed. I let that boy go long ago. I’m not going to let someone with no respect for me control my life and the way I feel. That's what he wanted.

This pregnancy brought out a lot of trauma that I tried to suppress for years. Which is why it was never supposed to be me. Gianna was always supposed to be the one to carry our children. After her miscarriage she had her own demons she had to handle so I stepped up to the plate. And here we are!

I wouldn't change the course my life has taken for the world. None of it. Because in my hardships; my suicide attempts, my nicotine addiction, my alcoholism, my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my abortion, my sexual assault, my drug addiction, I found slivers of joy.

The only thing I regret is not getting help for my substance abuse sooner. I only got sober after finding out I would be the one to carry our child (at the time I only thought there was one!) And honestly? Sober is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life. I feel like **** most of the time. But I know I'm doing it for people other than myself.

I'm going to leave you with something my chiropractor told me many moons ago.
"People don't die from the heroin itself, only the overdose of it."
I don't think I will ever completely understand what he was trying to tell me when he said that, but it suck with me.

Edit:
I didn't write my story for pity. I wrote it so that others know it's ok. You aren't alone. And you don't have to stay silent. Rape shouldn't be a hush-hush topic. You can heal.

 

[flowerbug]

the world can throw a lot at a brain and you never know what may stick.

 

[Cecilia's-life]

I have the great pleasure of meeting with her again on Friday. I know this relationship will prove me well. She is so happy despite the abuse she has suffered. She called me brave for wanting a home birth with twins! Lord knows she is the brave one for even wanting to continue with this pregnancy. At 17! I know from experience that it is always the catholic schools that treat them the worst. So brave.

 

[Cecilia's-life]

Wow. I need a beer. Thank you all so so much for your outpouring of love and support. Certainly not the response I expected. I'm so blessed.

 

[flowerbug]

root beer! ... float...

 

[Cecilia's-life]

root beer! ... float...

Of course, Though as soon as I'm out of that birthing tub I'm taking a shot, mark my words

 

[Cecilia's-life]

I met with Abby again today (fake name no worries). She is failing chemistry, ironically. I asked her if she wanted Gianna to help her, she agreed! Abby has now reached a certain state of panic I think we all experience when we find out we are having a baby. I still experience existential dread every now and then. Nesting is an equally horrid experience, but I won’t tell her that just yet. She doesn’t know where to go from here. I told her she doesn’t have to go anywhere.

She just got a job, so I tried to tell her not to overwork herself too much. I’m pretty worried because she's a waitress. But not everyone has the financial stability to not work. I found out her dad works for my dad! Small world. Cattle people always find cattle people. Though also ironically, we both hate beef cows.

She is having a really hard time with nicotine withdrawal symptoms. These teens and their chronic vaping. I told her to try an herbal one like ripple+. I know nic patches are bad for baby so that is off the table. This is something I do relate to. Vaping was an addiction I broke with relative ease at 18. Alcohol is my vice.

The nausea for her is awful. I told her I would do some digging and text her what I found. I only vomited from sheer stress my first trimester so I can’t really relate. I want to make her a little gift basket but I don’t know what to include. Ideas? All I have on the list is Prenatals, bath salts, candles, lip balm, and a journal.

Her “boyfriend” showed up at her house today and told her to get an abortion or he would force her too. I told her to get a restraining order because that sounds a bit like a threat to kill her. We cried about that for a while. Her dad isn’t home often enough. I have to call dad about that. His cowboys aren’t treated as well as they should be.

 

[Alaskan]

As far as the nausea...


Vitamin B shots can be very helpful. They are generally needed once every one to 2 weeks.

If she can't get access to that, then there are these little electro shock watches that are actually helpful. No joke.

Like this:

Reliefband®

Reliefband® is drug free, non-drowsy, FDA cleared wearable technology for the prevention and treatment of nausea and vomiting associated with motion sickness, morning sickness, chemotherapy and as an adjunct to antiemetics in post surgery.

www.reliefband.com

If it is really bad, especially if she is having trouble staying hydrated, then going to the doctor and getting drugs is a good choice.

Also... is she open to adopting the baby? Adoption is a wonderful choice.