Dealing with MIL during FIL ALZ

[Marianne]

Oh man. There's probably no way you could convince them that it's time they moved to an apartment/assisted living and sell the place?

 

[sumi]

I had the same thought as Marianne. I'm so sorry you and your in-laws and wife has to deal with this awful disease in the family now. I can't offer anything but a and an ear if you need one.

 

[Mini Horses]

I quadruple what FEM has said!!! BTDT. Five yrs of mom here with me. I've watched from beginning to end. It is as crippling to the family as it is to the victim. It is nondiscriminatory and vicious.

My mom actually could NOT use a telephone, didn't remember how to -- same with the washer/dryer. As simple as reading & turning a dial, that recognition just disappears for them. Many to most find themselves "going on trips" and you have them wondering about. Their sense of time is shattered. They WILL rearrange everything, hide things, can't remember where/why.

It is mind boggling. I had to finally put my mom in assisted living. Could no longer care for her as it takes a 24/7 crew. Incontinence is among the things you face, plus many can't feed selves, etc. Mom did pass away 2 yrs ago, after a yr in such care. It has taken me all that time to catch my own life back!

Glad FEM suggested the bathtub slide chair. I had a huge walk-in shower, added hand bars, chair & hand held shower head things to accommodate mom.

Altzhimers.com...lists of what to expect, watch for.
A Place for Mom.com to help with free locator living facilities in your area & price range. BIG expense. Almost no funding unless you already had special insurance. Most don't. Medicaid will help pay but also takes assets and any SS or retirement funds. Medicare will not pay. Very complicated.

You all will need WAY MORE than these. Food choices years back could have helped. LOT of evidence about such. And, do I worry every day? Yes, I do NOT want to go that route. Told my DD -- check me in somewhere and walk! Don't go thru this with me if I can't avoid the disease. It destroys you.

I feel your pain. There is nothing good about this disease. No cure. Sometimes deferral but, little else. The brain is the issue.

 

[Marianne]

It's my MIL and have to be nice. But It's like she just wants me to do all this stuff that isn't really nessessary but over looks the dangerous stuff like a 1/2 rotten tree falling on the house and slipping and falling in the tub.

I must confess I never quite understood the ways of how a woman thinks. But I best learn quick or she is going to drive me plum nutty. Any thoughts on how to deal with my MIL would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks

I wonder if that's part of an aging thing overall. My mother was always a controlling individual and wow, more so as she got older. She would almost rant because my nephew wouldn't be at her house every Monday morn at 8 a.m. to take out her trash which consisted of a plastic grocery bag. She was quite capable of doing it herself. There were other demands of piddly things, but more important stuff was overlooked.

We also had to take down a huge, gorgeous maple as it was hollow in the middle. We were told that maple trees are pretty much 50 year trees. You might just have to tell her that it has to be done, when the guy will be there and do the same with the tub. Good luck. My heart aches for you and yours.

 

[Marianne]

Food choices years back could have helped. LOT of evidence about such.

But maybe not that much actual evidence, what might work for one, won't work for the next ten.
My mother just died, a month short of her 95th birthday. She cooked with aluminum pots, her diet was terrible the previous 30 years. She never had ALZ. DH's family ate a lot healthier.. maybe, but better than my mother, and everyone in his family had it. Agh. Terrible disease.
Pretty much everyone here is doing what they can to avoid it.

 

[Lazy Gardener]

CC, I may come across as blunt... I often do. But... here goes. I work in a skilled nursing facility. Almost all of these facilities have a dementia unit. So, I have seen it all in terms of behaviors which can drive caregivers and family members close to, if not over the edge!

There comes a time when you have to stop being nice. Compassionate, yes. Loving, yes. But... It's time for you to take control. Re: that tree: Explain to MIL that the tree is rotten. It may not survive an other storm. Tell her that it's not a safe situation. Simply set up the removal date, and if she gives you any further grief about it, tell her that even YOU don't feel safe at their home with that tree looming over their house. My DD and SIL had such a tree in their yard. They got quotes, the best one being 3K. So, SIL rented a portable boom or what ever it's called, and he and a crew of family members took that tree down. Even with all the equipment including cables attached to the branches, one cable snapped, and the branch took out their deck. Thankfully, it was only a deck. I DO suggest that you pay to remove the tree instead of attempting to do it yourself! If you were to tackle it, and there was a problem, the insurance company would not pay. But if a professional who carries his own liability insurance does it, any damage should be covered.

As for her calling you to do stuff that she is capable of doing... again.... there comes a time when you must set limits to preserve your own sanity. Tell her to write all this stuff on a list. If she can't do it, then you will address it the next time you come over. You might set up a journal to keep beside the telephone or on the kitchen table. Her list, your check off's, along with your next scheduled visit.

It does sound like she is definitely having her own cognitive issues, and it may be time for either: both of them to move into an assisted living facility, or have some hired help on a daily basis. Even a couple hours/day can buy a bit of peace of mind for you, and them. I have no idea what their financial situation looks like, and they may very well be able to afford to hire a bit of assistance. But, it's typical that the elderly will refuse to hire someone when they have family members who are at their beck and call 24/7. So, again... it's time for you to stop being nice. I hear the frustration in your voice. You MUST take care of yourself and your family, and you are being stretched in too many directions. Setting some limits, while being available for true emergency situations, and getting the needed help should ease some of your stress.

 

[CrealCritter]

My buddy is currently taking the tree down with his crew. I called him yesterday evening and worked out the time with him. My wife is over there while I'm at work. My MIL and FIL are at his doctors then off to physical therapy. The tree will be on the ground when they get back home.

I'm going to clean up the tree this week and take the wood to our Amish friends. Then that will be the end of that conversation and worry.

 

[NH Homesteader]

Good! At least one problem taken care of!

 

[CrealCritter]

Here's a pic of the flipping tree, that's currently coming down, that a took yesterday. My buddy, called and said after he got in the bucket to get a good look at it that the trunk is full of many years of rain water. He was surprised it's still standing.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

Wow - that could really do some damage. Good thing you're getting it out of there!