family lukewarm to SS

[Marianne]

They get to choose their own lifestyle when they take full responsibility for themselves

Exactly! My youngest son, who we take care of even though he is an adult (22 - low functioning autism) doesn't have to like taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, raking leaves, or unloading the dishwasher, but it is what he has to do to contribute to the household. No workie, no cable, video games or any of the other perks he enjoys.

That's a different deal though as he'll probably always be with you.

I didn't saddle my kids with an overload of chores around the house when they were young. They still had things to do as was expected (trash, dishes, etc), but I remembered how much I dreaded the weekends when I was growing up. Always work, work, rarely any fun time (and we lived in the city! No animals, but the dog), and I didn't want my own children to have memories of just work when they got older. Kids are only kids once. Plenty of time for hard work the rest of their lives. So what if they don't help you snap beans. JMO

My mother still 'expects' us to work when we drive 500 miles to visit. If you don't do enough, you sure hear about it for years afterwards, and so does anyone else within hearing distance.

As adults, my kids laugh about the fun and funny things that happened while they were growing up. It wasn't all fun, trust me, but at least there are more good memories than bad ones! They all chose different lifestyles than me and are very happy. They also know that if SHTF to beat a path here and they'll all bring different skills to the table.

 

[TanksHill]

Interesting thread.

I have had many Ss hobbies and skills all my life. As an adult I chose to use them. It was not out of necessity. When I became a parent those were the skills I had to share with my children. One shows interest in the garden another my needle work. Ds. Lives to work in the garage with dad.

I know these things will change as they get older. But they will always have the skill.

A couple years ago my Dh started seeing my "hobbies" in a different light. He is helpful with the big jobs but the day to day is all me. I have caught him once or twice telling people about what I do. It's funny, shows he's actually listening.

I think my Ss lifestyle benefits the family even if they are not a part of it. So I will keep doing what doing.

G

 

[FarmerChick]

very true Marianne

my mom said kids should be kids
adults work to take care of kids

for me now I am the same way. my kiddo does 'her kid chores' but real work is left to the adults. age 6 will not have adult responsibilites...heck if I left 'taking care of the dog' to her it would be dead LOL

just the way I think my household should be handled. (as with all mileage may vary )



I remember my Dad always saying how much he hated horses. He HAD TO take care of the team. It plowed the field and being big drafts, Molly and Polly damn near killed him a few times. But that was his job. He said to this day he hates animals. AND ME being a horse lover had to wait til age 19 to BUY my own first horse...lol...all cause that team wanted was lousey to him..ugh Dad still thinks I am nutso for 'wanting' to ride a horse HAHA

 

[savingdogs]

I agree kids should be kids, but they also need to learn what real life is like. It isn't one big playtime, you don't get summer vacation, winter break, and spring vacation when you are an adult, and you don't have "chore free" weekends with someone doing your laundry, cooking and cleaning and taking you whereever you want to go. My parents gave me lots of chores and I hated it.
However, I'm a hard worker now and it served me well all my life. The fortitude it gave me has helped sustain me through my very difficult and dark days, because I was not USED to being constantly entertained like so many kids these days. I'm not always happy about what I don't have, but I've learned patience, perserverence and how to make do and do without, and teaching these things to my children has helped them become better people. Working hard and having chores to do makes the free time all the more sweet. And if kids are going to learn to work full-time jobs and then come home and care for their houses and families, childhood can't be one big fun happy party or things will be a little shocking when they make their own way in the world. Life just ain't like that. Learning to do without and to work hard for what you have is a valuable life lesson, especially with the world we are bringing our kids up in.

I know a couple folks who work really hard to make their kids lives "happy" all the time and "fix" things for them whenever they go wrong, perhaps they go a bit overboard, but their kids are, in my opinion, selfish brats who would not know what to do if the gravy train from mamma and pappa stopped arriving.

 

[OrganicKale]

You only get one chance to be a kid. Adulthood lasts forever. I would not steal that precious time from a child just to lighten my own load. This doesn't mean you don't teach them to be responsible; or that you give them everything they want. You can respect childhood without spoiling the child. Adulthood sucks. I allowed my child to be a child when she was young; I did not burden her with my own responsibilities. If I wanted a garden, I tended it. If I wanted livestock, I tended them. I did not put it on her back.

Now she is an adult, and she works, goes to school, keeps her apartment clean, pays her bills, cooks for her little family, etc. I don't think being allowed to be a child has limited her in life. I have also seen the opposite - kids who are so controlled and burdened by their parents heavy handed discipline that they completely go crazy as soon as they are free. I see it all the time. But, as everyone has said, every family is different, and every child is different.

 

[valmom]

I do have to say, one of the main rules in my house was that no animals came into the family that *I* wasn't going to take care of. They were all my animals. I didn't want the animals being resented or not being taken care of because they "belonged" to my kids. Well, except sort of for the ferrets my son bought my daughter for her birthday... That's a long story. I LOVE ferrets!! I would love to have them again. They are such little clowns.

 

[Neko-chan]

...

 

[FarmerChick]

this is sure where different parenting skills come into play for each and every family.

I was super duper lucky as a kid. We were not forced to do a darn thing. I did have the totally fun 'life is a big vacation' childhood.

I turned out perfect as did my brothers. (well, um...now don't ya'll be jumping on that one HA HA HA)


of course too you do have to take the kid into play. Mom and Dad always told us what was expected. You will go to college, you will work hard like we do, you will be financially stable for the future, you will be a productive and good person....etc. etc. And never once was there a threat of being thrown out of the home. I think as kids we had it all, had a blast, but also knew our responsbilities to be a productive member of society when we grew up. (Just the way our family does things.)

My Dads hobby was buying vacation homes. We always were so busy with going to the lake houses and enjoying weekends to the fullest. That is where I got my love of water! We are a water baby family with boats, water skiing, fishing etc. So I sure got my outdoor interests from Dad.



I find it so interesting to read family life for people.

 

[savingdogs]

They live there, they help out. They don't like it, they can leave, and see how well they do out there in the world. It doesn't mean they're abused, it doesn't mean they're neglected or unloved. As teens they should be taught what the real world is like. This is life, not a vacation home. When they leave, they can do whatever they want.

Until then, suck it up.

I believe our biggest responsibility as parents is to raise self sufficient children. And I don't mean SS in the way that WE strive to be.....but that they can function in the real world without mommy, daddy, sugar daddy, or whatever. That they know how to "do" enough things, make a meal, wash clothes, finish a task, manage their finances, the list goes on and on.....all the things we must teach our children for them to become successful adults. The schools only teach certain skills, and it is up to us parents to teach them things like self-reliance, being a self-starter, and having confidence that they can start and finish goals, how to be a kind person to others, how to relate in a mixed-up society.

If our teenagers and youngsters are exposed to the "old" way of doing things, who is to say that what they think is hokey or weird right now, they might want to learn later in life and CHERISH that we made them learn things like how to milk a goat. I have extremely fond memories of my grandma who was your basic farm woman who didn't have to be taught the mantra of "reduce, reuse, recycle"....she LIVED it. She washed out her grocery store food bags and darned her panty hose. I might have thought she was HOKEY as a teenager and hated spending time there, but as an adult, she is one of the people I miss most in my life who have passed, because SHE is the one whose skills would be useful to me NOW.

I'm happy that some of your parents found a balance between "happy childhood" and family responsibilities. But I've worked for very successful doctors for 90 percent of my working life, and many of them spoiled their children making them "happy." They are not happy adults now. It started to become apparent to me that it can be harder to raise a nice child when you have lots of money than when you are poor, and I noticed a change in my own children when we BECAME poor, and it was not a change for the worse. I somehow doubt that any of our forum members were truly raised by that type of parenting that I'm describing, where every whim of the child is granted and no work is expected. That kind of parenting just does not spawn OUR kind of people.

I fully expected to tell each of my children at age 18 that they must pay rent or move out, but I have not done that with my 19-year-old son. There are no jobs to be had here, and we were not able to set him up with a college education and a way to earn a car. Instead, in high school he started earning his own money by creating an online job for himself (works with websites) and paid for much of his "extras" that he wanted in school and all his lunches. We have watched him wisely invest in his business equipment with his proceeds and provide for his own needs, although he borrows our car occasionally. Because of my deafness, I also find his presence in the home an extreme help, and since I can't drive, he assists me getting places. So I certainly am not following through on my plan that my 19-year-old son should move out or pay rent. Every family and every situation is different. I know another family with a 19-year-old young man living at home who helps with the family livestock since there are no jobs to be had in his area, and his mother needs help but cannot afford it. Times are different now than they have ever been before. Who hires a teen when they can have a list of 100 30-year-old mature-but-not-too-mature workers begging for the same job? So helping out the parents on the family farm in exchange for their room and board becomes a GOOD solution for young people, at least they will be FED.

You have to keep changing with the times, shifting ideas as times shift. There are certain basic principles to hang onto, but no two lives will be remotely the same and it is hard to judge from afar what type of parenting is required for each child. As the mother of three, I know I had to learn to be a new parent all three times. My basic goals for them were the same, but I had to learn to change my approach all three times.

I don't mean this as a debate......I'm just throwing out my perspective as a mom of 30 years to three diversely different children, growing up many years apart.

I tip my hat to all the parents whose children say their childhood was "happy." I know mine wasn't but I'm still a better person for it.

 

[Wifezilla]

Asking your kids to help with chores or pick up after themselves is hardly forcing them to be an adult. It's called being a productive member of the family and teaching a kid things they will need to know in the future. My sons had PLENTY of time to play. My oldest was also in after school activities and summer sports. We took trips to the mountains, water world, Eliche's and went camping. He helped to counteract the messes HE made. I did not have him working in a coal mine as a shovel