FarmerChick
Super Self-Sufficient
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2008
- Messages
- 11,417
- Reaction score
- 14
- Points
- 248
sure do understand Nifty
How do you make husbands grow up? (no offense to already grown up ones
- Thread starter Cassandra
- Start date
Makes total sense to me! My DH is wound REALLY tight!! He has a hard time relaxing. He gets himself frustrated to the point that he is just ready to give up instead of just relaxing and telling himself that everything is going to be all right. It drives him crazy because I am the complete oppisite and it takes a lot to get me frustrated because I just figure everything is going to work out so there is no sense freak out about it.Nifty said:
FarmerChick
Super Self-Sufficient
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2008
- Messages
- 11,417
- Reaction score
- 14
- Points
- 248
I am the wound up tighter than a drum person
Tony is the relaxed person...he doesn't feel the pressures when doing projects, work, etc. like I do to myself. Smart guy.
I wish I had more of him in me.
I try to control everything.....I need to learn that control is actually not real. I need to learn to "give it up".
Working on it and making some progress.
Tony is the relaxed person...he doesn't feel the pressures when doing projects, work, etc. like I do to myself. Smart guy.
I wish I had more of him in me.
I try to control everything.....I need to learn that control is actually not real. I need to learn to "give it up".
Working on it and making some progress.
the simple life
Yard Farmer
Was he doing this when you married him or did he just start with the video games? Did he use to have aspirations or was he always indifferent?Cassandra said:...but if you are a non-grown-up husband, shame on you!
My husband is severely maturity challenged. Just the other day I found out he's been sneaking around smoking
Yes. Like a 14 year old.
My biggest aggravation is that he has no aspirations whatsoever. When asked if he has any goals in life, he doesn't know and doesn't care.
I have my life planned out into old age and death. So, as you can imagine, he makes it very hard for me to make plans that include him.
Most infuriating of all is he wants to spend all of his spare time playing video games and all his spare money BUYING video games. He is a 38 year old pre-schooler.
(sigh)
Cassandra --->
The reason I ask is if he was like that at 28, he most likely wasn't going to grow up much more than he already was at that point and its probably that its his general makeup.
If he wasn't like that before maybe he is depressed and doesn't realize it.
Is he using the games as an escape and is he avoiding talking about or planning for the future because he is overwhelmed?
If that came out right and makes sense, there is probably not a whole lot you can do about it other than force him to make some more adult decisions and put away the video games.
I don't know your financial situation but if you can't afford to waste money on video games, which I think are rather expensive then thats another issue too.
If money is tight how would he feel about you spending money on something frivoulous that didn't benefit him or the family in anyway?
Does he see this as a problem and just not care or does he truly not get it?
I am not big on ultimatims but maybe thats what you need if you have tried everything else.
On the other hand, just to put it into perspective so you don't feel too bad.
It could be worse, he could be spending his time outside the house, and his money on worse things. Instead of sitting on a couch in your home playing games he could be out blowing through money on booze in a skanky bar until all hours of the night.
However neither scenario would fly in my house.
I have boys, they are my sons and they are young so I expect them to be immature.
I expect my husband to be a responsible man with an innate sense of wanting to provide for and to protect his family, a partner in my marriage and a good example to my children.
I wish you luck on coming to a level playing field.
But if he was always this way I doubt there is much you can do if its something that developed later you can probably make changes.
If he wasn't this way before try asking him what is up?
- Thread starter
- #55
I've been marinating this one. I am genuinely of two minds about it and have not been able to work it out to a point where I can feel like I am doing what I truly believe is the right thing.
On the one hand, I have a lot of character traits that I realize are abbrasive. (I'm trying to say I'm a B word without triggering the filters. LOL) That doesn't bother me in the least. I am more than happy for people who don't like it to take a long jump off a short pier. I feel like anyone ought to be able to be the person they are. And if others don't like well, good. Take yourself off, then. Know what I mean? I believe with all my heart that this is the right of every person. There is one catch...
You have to be willing to accept the conseqences of your decision to be who you are. And I will just say right up front (before we get into a long discussion about acceptable behavior) that there are some people who choose to act on their very evil nature. As far as I'm concerned, you could shoot those people on sight if you could tell by looking at them who they were. I'm not trying to get into a conversation about serial killers and child predators, etc... moving on.
On the other hand, I hear a lot of this "that's just how men are." I just can't get it through my head that this is any kind of excuse. A few years ago, I was reading a forum and a young woman was complaining because her husband was spending a lot of time and money on internet pornography. She talked about how he belittled her when she complained to him and asked him to stop. This topic generated pages and pages of replies by the time I found it. Probably 95% of the replies were along the lines of "Men are just like that. That's what they do."
I flipped smooth out and went off on those people. LOL I told them (and I still believe this is true) that I couldn't care less what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes. But to have a woman belittled in HER home because her husband was too selfish to consider her feelings and stop engaging in activity that was really hurtful to her "because that's how men are" was just unforgiveable! I went on a tirade about how, historically women were considered the property of first their fathers, then their husbands and in many parts of the world they were traded for affluence and bartered like cattle. (This still goes on in the world.) In that vein, to allow men to act like complete jackasses just because it is their nature to do so doesn't seem like a very good solution to the problem.
If I could do anything in the world I wanted, you know what I would do? I would be a crazy old hermit, living in a hovel mostly to myself, with only just my basic needs met and something to write on. I muse often that it's a shame that philosophers don't get any respect any more. Hundreds of years ago it was noble to sit in seclusion and ponder the problems of the world. Now, you'd be institutionalized. I would like to sit and think and write.
But I have a family. I have a husband, children, a household to run. I have a lot of other responsibilities that I have chosen to take on. I don't get to ignore them just because there's a lot of other stuff I'd rather be doing. I believe with all my heart that this is the responsibility of everyone.
That some people don't get this is unfathomable to me.
Cassandra
On the one hand, I have a lot of character traits that I realize are abbrasive. (I'm trying to say I'm a B word without triggering the filters. LOL) That doesn't bother me in the least. I am more than happy for people who don't like it to take a long jump off a short pier. I feel like anyone ought to be able to be the person they are. And if others don't like well, good. Take yourself off, then. Know what I mean? I believe with all my heart that this is the right of every person. There is one catch...
You have to be willing to accept the conseqences of your decision to be who you are. And I will just say right up front (before we get into a long discussion about acceptable behavior) that there are some people who choose to act on their very evil nature. As far as I'm concerned, you could shoot those people on sight if you could tell by looking at them who they were. I'm not trying to get into a conversation about serial killers and child predators, etc... moving on.
On the other hand, I hear a lot of this "that's just how men are." I just can't get it through my head that this is any kind of excuse. A few years ago, I was reading a forum and a young woman was complaining because her husband was spending a lot of time and money on internet pornography. She talked about how he belittled her when she complained to him and asked him to stop. This topic generated pages and pages of replies by the time I found it. Probably 95% of the replies were along the lines of "Men are just like that. That's what they do."
I flipped smooth out and went off on those people. LOL I told them (and I still believe this is true) that I couldn't care less what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes. But to have a woman belittled in HER home because her husband was too selfish to consider her feelings and stop engaging in activity that was really hurtful to her "because that's how men are" was just unforgiveable! I went on a tirade about how, historically women were considered the property of first their fathers, then their husbands and in many parts of the world they were traded for affluence and bartered like cattle. (This still goes on in the world.) In that vein, to allow men to act like complete jackasses just because it is their nature to do so doesn't seem like a very good solution to the problem.
If I could do anything in the world I wanted, you know what I would do? I would be a crazy old hermit, living in a hovel mostly to myself, with only just my basic needs met and something to write on. I muse often that it's a shame that philosophers don't get any respect any more. Hundreds of years ago it was noble to sit in seclusion and ponder the problems of the world. Now, you'd be institutionalized. I would like to sit and think and write.
But I have a family. I have a husband, children, a household to run. I have a lot of other responsibilities that I have chosen to take on. I don't get to ignore them just because there's a lot of other stuff I'd rather be doing. I believe with all my heart that this is the responsibility of everyone.
That some people don't get this is unfathomable to me.
Cassandra
FarmerChick
Super Self-Sufficient
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2008
- Messages
- 11,417
- Reaction score
- 14
- Points
- 248
you are right Cassandra
using the excuse of "that's just how men are" can't be applied to every situation at all. yea, funny when we chat about remotes and such....not funny when it applies to certain levels of a relationship and how mates are treated.
Hmm...hermit in a shack writing all day.
I want to be a cowboy. Yup, ride my horse all day long, camp under the stars, no clocks, no phones, and ride home to small small ranch house and relax in the middle of nowhere. That would suit me, ain't going to happen cause I took on the normal life responsibilites also.
I don't have much to say about this.....I think everyone in a relationship has got to deal with their true feelings themselves. Do they want this or not? Can they walk away or not? Can it get better or not?
It is so deeply personal that someone else can comment only so much then it must be up to the individual to fix or change or adapt or whatever to their situations.
using the excuse of "that's just how men are" can't be applied to every situation at all. yea, funny when we chat about remotes and such....not funny when it applies to certain levels of a relationship and how mates are treated.
Hmm...hermit in a shack writing all day.
I want to be a cowboy. Yup, ride my horse all day long, camp under the stars, no clocks, no phones, and ride home to small small ranch house and relax in the middle of nowhere. That would suit me, ain't going to happen cause I took on the normal life responsibilites also.
I don't have much to say about this.....I think everyone in a relationship has got to deal with their true feelings themselves. Do they want this or not? Can they walk away or not? Can it get better or not?
It is so deeply personal that someone else can comment only so much then it must be up to the individual to fix or change or adapt or whatever to their situations.
- Thread starter
- #57
Cowboys are cool! 
I don't intend to make this so serious, FC. I am just doing what I like to do--siting, thinking writing. After my original post, most of what I have written is more about how I feel about people and relationships in general and not so much about my marriage specifically. Anyway, I don't want anyone to get the impression something they say is going to have a profound effect on my marriage. But much of what has been said has given me more to sit and think and write about. Everything we hear and see influences us in some way, I think.
No... no. I have my marriage pretty much figured out.
It could go on in this infuriating and annoying way indefinitely as long as we are working together to achieve our mutual goals, which we are. We make a pretty good team as long as I do all the thinking and planning and organizing and don't mind getting the whip out from time to time to motivate John to do all the back breaking, hard and icky stuff.
Cassandra
I don't intend to make this so serious, FC. I am just doing what I like to do--siting, thinking writing. After my original post, most of what I have written is more about how I feel about people and relationships in general and not so much about my marriage specifically. Anyway, I don't want anyone to get the impression something they say is going to have a profound effect on my marriage. But much of what has been said has given me more to sit and think and write about. Everything we hear and see influences us in some way, I think.
No... no. I have my marriage pretty much figured out.
It could go on in this infuriating and annoying way indefinitely as long as we are working together to achieve our mutual goals, which we are. We make a pretty good team as long as I do all the thinking and planning and organizing and don't mind getting the whip out from time to time to motivate John to do all the back breaking, hard and icky stuff.
Cassandra
FarmerChick
Super Self-Sufficient
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2008
- Messages
- 11,417
- Reaction score
- 14
- Points
- 248
oh I wasn't commenting on your specific marriage or anything like that....I meant that generalized. Like I know even when my friend says something about her marriage, like "I wish he would......" Or "I can't stand it when he does..."---LOL---alot of times I just let the her talk. I don't think people want real replies sometimes, I think they just want to be heard....so I hear her. And she hears me when I moan..HA HA HA
when I let things be spoken I tend to kinda answer myself..LOL..and get a good answer if I shut up and listen.
I don't do that enough sometimes, just be quiet..HA HA HA....it helps me when I back down, re-group, relax and all that. I can hyper up pretty quick...and when it comes to Tony he sure can get me into hyper mode faster..HA HA
I don't know...it is all give and take for me. Learn to fight the battles that are truly important, leave the little stuff go. Makes me keep sane.
when I let things be spoken I tend to kinda answer myself..LOL..and get a good answer if I shut up and listen.
I don't do that enough sometimes, just be quiet..HA HA HA....it helps me when I back down, re-group, relax and all that. I can hyper up pretty quick...and when it comes to Tony he sure can get me into hyper mode faster..HA HAI don't know...it is all give and take for me. Learn to fight the battles that are truly important, leave the little stuff go. Makes me keep sane.
dacjohns
Our Frustrated Curmudgeon
Cassandra,
You might have left that in the marinade a little too long.
Really, it was well said. Men and women are different but that doesn't mean that they all fit the stereotype of their gender.
People can change but it has to come from within.
We laugh and make fun about remotes and women drivers and men not asking directions. I don't know why some of these traits generally ring true but they do. I don't know where I wanted to go with this post.
Let's just keep from bashing the opposite sex and realize that we are all different.
I think my brain isn't working. I should just forget this post.
FarmerChick,
You want to be a cowboy? Aren't you happy with being female? Why not a cowgirl?
You might have left that in the marinade a little too long.
Really, it was well said. Men and women are different but that doesn't mean that they all fit the stereotype of their gender.
People can change but it has to come from within.
We laugh and make fun about remotes and women drivers and men not asking directions. I don't know why some of these traits generally ring true but they do. I don't know where I wanted to go with this post.
Let's just keep from bashing the opposite sex and realize that we are all different.
I think my brain isn't working. I should just forget this post.
FarmerChick,
You want to be a cowboy? Aren't you happy with being female? Why not a cowgirl?
FarmerChick
Super Self-Sufficient
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2008
- Messages
- 11,417
- Reaction score
- 14
- Points
- 248
LOL Dacs
I never watched a movie that had super cowgirl adventures. My role models were John Wayne in all his westerns, like The Cowboys, True Grit, etc.
Then all the other wonderful old timey westerns, especially my favorite big time----Clint Eastwood. Oh my Pale Rider, The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, Hang 'Em High......just wonderful movies and I watch old westerns all the time...Yup even the fluff ones with Buttercup and Trigger..LOL
Lone Ranger...wow, loved it!!!! Hi HO Silver
So I guess I want to be a cowboy. Never think of cowgirls in that capacity..LOL---but if I ever to become a cowboy, I guess by default I would have to be a cowgirl!
Just get on that horse and ride.....ride into Mexico and cause trouble and ride home..HA HA HA
I never watched a movie that had super cowgirl adventures. My role models were John Wayne in all his westerns, like The Cowboys, True Grit, etc.
Then all the other wonderful old timey westerns, especially my favorite big time----Clint Eastwood. Oh my Pale Rider, The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, Hang 'Em High......just wonderful movies and I watch old westerns all the time...Yup even the fluff ones with Buttercup and Trigger..LOL
Lone Ranger...wow, loved it!!!! Hi HO Silver
So I guess I want to be a cowboy. Never think of cowgirls in that capacity..LOL---but if I ever to become a cowboy, I guess by default I would have to be a cowgirl!
Just get on that horse and ride.....ride into Mexico and cause trouble and ride home..HA HA HA
