My DH won't even try

[patandchickens]

I'm sure it happens, but I am wondering how many men have the same problem with their wives? Why is it that women must take the responsibility for these things? Don't the men get tired of making money just to flush it down the toilet?

Show of hands?

Actually, from people I have known I would have to say that it is probably just about as common the other way 'round. In society at large, that is, not among the rather skewed population of this particular forum

To whatever extent I'm wrong and it actually IS less common for the wives to be the spendthrift ones, then I would betcha it's in signifcant part because it is still most usually much easier for a man to walk out and divorce a woman than vice versa (I don't mean procedurally easier, I mean easier to live with the consequences of headin' back out on your own).

Pat

 

[Sebrightmom]

My DH is our main income. I am a stay at home mother to our two year old son. He spends money right and left. While, I clip coupons and try everything to save money. I try not to say much, because he does make all the money. When he gets on to me about the money I spend buying things we have to have, I just want to go off on him about all the stupid stuff he bought. I think a lot of times men just think about one thing and that is the here and now. They don't think about the bill at the end of the month that is two weeks away. Women's brains work a lot different than mens do. It is just the way things are.

 

[miss_thenorth]

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[Rosalind]

You know what, I did the separating finances thing and it WORKED. But, very important but, it was a two-day door-slamming scream-fest till all was said and done. DH was sure I was going to divorce him or something and was very, very angry.

DH is a tattoo artist who is an independent contractor, basically running his own business. He quit a studio that had a long drive so that he could take a job working closer to where I was working at the time, with the idea that we could buy a house somewhere in the area. Well, the new studio did not have enough work to keep him busy, to the point that I was paying his taxes and he was running a deficit to the tune of several hundred a month. And he also did not do bag lunches and drove a not-very-gas-efficient vehicle. Since I was trying to save for a house AND pay all the bills and rent and groceries, I did not appreciate having another several hundred-per-month bill added on. After a year of this nonsense, when he had drawn our joint savings account (you know, the one I was going to buy a house with) down by about $30,000, I gave him an ultimatum: Find a studio that pays, quit and become a househusband, or get a job working for someone else. I'm not paying for a hobby this expensive.

He did bugger-all for about a month. Did nothing serious to find another studio, even though several had work close to the local universities, which typically pays quite well. When he still did nothing and quarterly taxes were due again, that was when I left only enough money in the joint account to cover one month's worth of bills and rent. The rest went into my personal account with only my name on it.

He was really, really mad, like, not speaking to me, for about two days. Then he went on interviews at two shops, and two weeks later had part-time work at a good-paying shop. I kept my money separate regardless, and a few months after that he went full-time at the profitable studio and left the old studio for good. He's quite proud that he makes almost as much as me now.

Now, our money stays separate and my personal account pays mortgage and household stuff while his pays all other bills. He is fairly diligent about it, once he got the hang of saving extra money for the winter heating bill, and now he is very good about keeping the thermostat set frugally, eating cheaply, not eating out unless we're celebrating something and he has extra cash, that sort of thing. But he didn't used to be, and talking about it made no difference at all. He would just say yeah yeah yeah and not do anything. I had to do something to force him. Which was not fun. Think of it as tough love.

 

[mirime]

We also have one joint account and our own separate accounts - we found out what it costs for basics (mortgage, utilities, basic groceries, etc) and split it half-way. We transfer that amount into our joint accounts from our separate accounts. Anything left is in our own separate accounts for each of us to do what we want.

This new way works REALLY really well for us.

My best friend and her DH split the costs this way: he pays the mortgage, she pays utilities. That works for them real well too.

 

[Beekissed]

My DH is our main income. I am a stay at home mother to our two year old son. He spends money right and left. While, I clip coupons and try everything to save money. I try not to say much, because he does make all the money. When he gets on to me about the money I spend buying things we have to have, I just want to go off on him about all the stupid stuff he bought. I think a lot of times men just think about one thing and that is the here and now. They don't think about the bill at the end of the month that is two weeks away. Women's brains work a lot different than mens do. It is just the way things are.

You know, Sebrightmom, my mom was a stay at home mom(my dad would never let her work) and she had the same problem. Its sad really that women feel devalued if they aren't earning an actual wage. Personally, I would find out the going rates for a housekeeper (one who does cooking and deep cleaning, as well as laundry) and a qualified live-in nanny(one who potty trains and teaches), as well as an accountant. Add all those salaries together, plus a big bonus, as you don't get to leave the job site and can't call in
sick~ever!~and present the tab to your husband. Then, when you(and he) see how much someone gets paid to raise a child and keep a house, you might feel more entitled to your husband's money!
The money you are saving him by staying home is astronomical compared to the money he may give you for expenses. If that doesn't convince him, show him how much child support and alimony would cost him every month!

 

[miss_thenorth]

The money you are saving him by staying home is astronomical compared to the money he may give you for expenses. If that doesn't convince him, show him how much child support and alimony would cost him every month!








Amen! My dh knows how much i contribute to our bank account!! There is NEVER a question about who's money it is... It is OUR money, even though I am a SAHM.

 

[Better Half]

Thank you for all the responses. I feel better. What to do I dont know.

We have separate accounts. I thought about getting a joint account for bills. Havent done it since I dont think he would make his deposits in a timely manner. At one point we divided up the bills. He would pay his share a couple of days late or not in full. That kind of stuff drives me crazy. Paying late fees is not my idea of a good use of money. I let the credit card in his name expire since he would charge $100 a month in $5-$7 purchases buying slurpees and such. He doesnt realize how much money he wastes.

My guess of what changed is that when we met he was rebelling against his materialistic family. Now that hes all grown up hes free to want things. Im also such a softy. Thursday he gave me money for bills. Today he said he gave me too much and asked me for gas money which of course I gave him. A year ago when food and gas was much cheaper I just ignored his spending since I could afford it. Now Im starting to get bitter. The more he spends the more I have to scrimp.

Reading over this for typos I realized he trained me to take care of everything. If I dont give him money hell just borrow it from a friend. If I let the cable or phone get shut off hell know Im playing games. He says he want to get out of debt and move to Mexico. I tell me they way he spends were going to end up under a bridge but that the only thing hes not buying.

 

[patandchickens]

Reading over this for typos I realized he trained me to take care of everything.

It sure does sound that way, doesn't it So, therein lies the way out, too, if you want.

I thought about getting a joint account for bills. Havent done it since I dont think he would make his deposits in a timely manner. <snip>I let the credit card in his name expire since he would charge $100 a month in $5-$7 purchases buying slurpees and such. <snip>Thursday he gave me money for bills. Today he said he gave me too much and asked me for gas money which of course I gave him.

It seems to me, if I may be so bold, that you are sticking your nose in where it has no business being, especially since you do not like the effects of it being there <g>. These should be HIS decisions to make -- whether to get a joint account, whether to bank his money and pay his bills in timely manners, whether to keep HIS credit card, what to do when what you pay out exceeds what you'd like to have in your pocket, etc. You know?

If you don't let someone make their mistakes and learn the consequences, they're not GOING to learn... and in an obscure way they are often resentful of it, even as they're also enjoying the luxury of being taken care of. It just feels disrespectful and unfair to them (correctly so).

At one point we divided up the bills. He would pay his share a couple of days late or not in full. That kind of stuff drives me crazy. Paying late fees is not my idea of a good use of money. <snip> He doesnt realize how much money he wastes.

The thing is, these should really be HIS problems and HIS decisions not yours? And whether it drives you crazy or not doesn't mean it's your place to commandeer his responsibilities, even if he just sits back and lets you. (I apologize for this sounding obnoxious, I really don't mean to, and in some ways I live with topologically-similar problems myself so BELIEVE me I know where you're coming from and how hard it is to break out of the rut But it's TRUE. He's a grownup and deserves the dignity of standing, or falling and getting back up if necessary, on his own power, you know?)

A year ago when food and gas was much cheaper I just ignored his spending since I could afford it. Now Im starting to get bitter. The more he spends the more I have to scrimp.

Not if you set clear divisions of my money your money, which in this case sounds like would be very helpful to you both.

If I dont give him money hell just borrow it from a friend. If I let the cable or phone get shut off hell know Im playing games. He says he want to get out of debt and move to Mexico. I tell me they way he spends were going to end up under a bridge but that the only thing hes not buying.

So? He wants to borrow money from a friend, that is not your business, you know? His decision. HE's the one has to live with the consequences (it may have fringe effects on you too, but everything we do has fringe effects on other people and that doesn't mean they should get veto power over us )

Letting cable or phone get shut of is not a game (unless you intend it as such), it is just a natural consequence of not paying the bills and if *you* are willing to live without the cable or phone then it's not your problem. (If you're not willing to live without a phone, you might get a cellphone just for yourself, if you find the house phoneless for a bit)

All you can do is live your life, and control the things you do have control over, none of which (inconveniently ) is 'other people'. If this is really a huge problem for you, you might get to the point of thinking about where the line is between what you will and will not put up with (in a global sense, not in terms of individual issues) to live with this person. But honest, you can't MAKE a husband be different than he wants to be, and my observation is that generally the more we try to make someone be the way we thing they oughta, the more they pull harder in the opposite direction. Men especially <g>

Good luck and sympathies,

Pat

 

[FarmerChick]

BetterHalf

I just typed this in another thread....following my hubby thrut he house and "fixing" all the damage he does, leaving on tvs, lights, etc. etc....LOL-LOL

He doesn't think like me in frugal ways. To him, spending tons more money on things to Save Time is frugal. In a way it is but not to his extreme.

He talked me into a tractor pulled rototiller for $1,500 to save him wear and tear on himself for the farm. Of course it is a wonderful thing and saves backbreaking work...but that price ---UGH---LOL---to him that was a frugal buy. To me, it is on the fence---LOL

I don't try to change him. I hate nagging and won't do it. I just make do and not worry about things. I do my part and handle all financials. So I know I am saving and if he over-spends etc....I let it slide....works best for my mental stability..LOL

best of luck with him..HA HA

Karen