homestead jenna
Lovin' The Homestead
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- Dec 2, 2008
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Sounds like I'm not the only one in a muddle today and there's good advice just pouring out of people here...so here goes:
I am married to dh and live on a property he bought and does not have my name on (even though he only bought it 2 years ago). Our relationship is...difficult, to say the least. This is actually the second time we've been married to each other; married in 1997, divorced in 2002, and remarried in 2005. I'll abridge the pain and just say that many of our values don't match up which inevitably results in arguments and he's got some condition where his testosterone level is the lowest the doctor has ever seen (and you might be able to guess what THAT means). In fact, I really find myself resenting the fact that - he's known about this low level for some time now (and SO have I!) and only just recently decided to do something because another doctor told him how that could impact his own cardio-vascular and diabetic situations - as though the impact on ME wasn't important enough to handle it before, ya know?
Most of my distress in our relationship centers on him being somewhat...myopic (yeah, that's a good word) about anyone else's feelings. For instance, 2 years ago when he had his 50th b-day I threw a nice party with relatives and friends, and also sent him balloons at work and sent in a cake with a motorcycle on it with a friend of his for a lunchhour celebration. Last year - for my 50th, he decided we'd go see a movie. In his defense he did ask what movie I wanted to see...but then left it to me to find out where/when it was playing and to let him know the plan. That was IT. The last gift I ever got from him was 9 years ago - a Boze Wave Radio that HE had wanted and had waved ads in front of me for nearly a year for...that I refused to keep. Now he just mostly doesn't bother - I swear I think it just never occurs to him to do something for someone else. Most recently he told me the other night the reason he can't help out any (all I was asking was an occasional offer of washing dishes) is that he has a 1-hour commute each way on his job and that's so stressful. ?????
My brother lives in a town 25 miles from here in our mother's house (she passed in 06). He has always said I can come there to live; it would even help him out. He and I get along great even though he's 16 years younger than I am. There's plenty of room for the ag projects I want to get into - although he would ideally like to sell once the market gets back on its feet. That will mean another move - but I'm still welcome to stay with him wherever he decides to move. He's very much into the whole self-sufficiency thing so that's cool, as well.
At this point, I need to do something and I have to sort of decide soon. I want to get my chickens and bees and get a garden in. To say nothing of figuring out a huge STRESS source. I've been standing on the corner of Do I Stay and Do I Go for a long time now.
The other sticking point here is my daughter. She lives in another house on dh's property; she's unemployed and hasn't been paying her rent, uses fuel oil that's on his account, etc. I've been paying for that stuff. She goes back and forth between moving in with the boyfriend and then not. Driving me batty because things will change by the HOUR on that sometimes.
I probably won't be able to accept the farm job I was so excited about - in any case - because of the money hemorrhage with my daughter and having to pay my brother rent if I move there...so I'm stuck in this office job that's making me crazy (never work for someone who's undiagnosed bipolar!). I'm resigned at my age (51 come Monday) that I'll be single for the rest of my life probably - but that's not that big a deal. I don't have a lot of outstanding bills (as I'm way too careful with credit). The only "savings" I have is invested in my son's condo - housing market has to bounce back a LOT for me to have any access to that.
Anyway - can someone help me get some clarity here? Can you tell this is all seeping around in the dismal mindswamp where I can't really tell the end of the beginning? Somebody looking in has got to have a better take on this all than I do.
I am married to dh and live on a property he bought and does not have my name on (even though he only bought it 2 years ago). Our relationship is...difficult, to say the least. This is actually the second time we've been married to each other; married in 1997, divorced in 2002, and remarried in 2005. I'll abridge the pain and just say that many of our values don't match up which inevitably results in arguments and he's got some condition where his testosterone level is the lowest the doctor has ever seen (and you might be able to guess what THAT means). In fact, I really find myself resenting the fact that - he's known about this low level for some time now (and SO have I!) and only just recently decided to do something because another doctor told him how that could impact his own cardio-vascular and diabetic situations - as though the impact on ME wasn't important enough to handle it before, ya know?
Most of my distress in our relationship centers on him being somewhat...myopic (yeah, that's a good word) about anyone else's feelings. For instance, 2 years ago when he had his 50th b-day I threw a nice party with relatives and friends, and also sent him balloons at work and sent in a cake with a motorcycle on it with a friend of his for a lunchhour celebration. Last year - for my 50th, he decided we'd go see a movie. In his defense he did ask what movie I wanted to see...but then left it to me to find out where/when it was playing and to let him know the plan. That was IT. The last gift I ever got from him was 9 years ago - a Boze Wave Radio that HE had wanted and had waved ads in front of me for nearly a year for...that I refused to keep. Now he just mostly doesn't bother - I swear I think it just never occurs to him to do something for someone else. Most recently he told me the other night the reason he can't help out any (all I was asking was an occasional offer of washing dishes) is that he has a 1-hour commute each way on his job and that's so stressful. ?????
My brother lives in a town 25 miles from here in our mother's house (she passed in 06). He has always said I can come there to live; it would even help him out. He and I get along great even though he's 16 years younger than I am. There's plenty of room for the ag projects I want to get into - although he would ideally like to sell once the market gets back on its feet. That will mean another move - but I'm still welcome to stay with him wherever he decides to move. He's very much into the whole self-sufficiency thing so that's cool, as well.
At this point, I need to do something and I have to sort of decide soon. I want to get my chickens and bees and get a garden in. To say nothing of figuring out a huge STRESS source. I've been standing on the corner of Do I Stay and Do I Go for a long time now.
The other sticking point here is my daughter. She lives in another house on dh's property; she's unemployed and hasn't been paying her rent, uses fuel oil that's on his account, etc. I've been paying for that stuff. She goes back and forth between moving in with the boyfriend and then not. Driving me batty because things will change by the HOUR on that sometimes.
I probably won't be able to accept the farm job I was so excited about - in any case - because of the money hemorrhage with my daughter and having to pay my brother rent if I move there...so I'm stuck in this office job that's making me crazy (never work for someone who's undiagnosed bipolar!). I'm resigned at my age (51 come Monday) that I'll be single for the rest of my life probably - but that's not that big a deal. I don't have a lot of outstanding bills (as I'm way too careful with credit). The only "savings" I have is invested in my son's condo - housing market has to bounce back a LOT for me to have any access to that.
Anyway - can someone help me get some clarity here? Can you tell this is all seeping around in the dismal mindswamp where I can't really tell the end of the beginning? Somebody looking in has got to have a better take on this all than I do.
Evidently he is not going to change since he hasn't yet & this is the second time around. Time to pick up your ife & move forward, no sense in being stuck in a unhappy rut all the rest of your life. Not that I think divorce is always the answer, but I think in your case you really know this is what you need to do to be able to move forward & on. I wish you lots of luck & I will be praying for you.
I actually like him again 
