Urban's Journal- It is no more.

[justusnak]

Wow, thats a Delima for sure. If he does not see that she is HIS problem, and willing to be rid of her....there is little chance you will be able to help him. I PRAY there are no children involved....and, so sad for the parents of the other boys killed in the accident.
Jen-pi has a good idea. Get him to your house, alone...feed him, let him rest and get a GOOD nights sleep....maybe then he will see what life is supposed to be like...again. Good luck.

 

[urban dreamer]

 

[FarmerDenise]

I think giving him a break at your house is a really good idea. He may be so confused, he doesn't know that he deserves better. He sounds like an abuse victim. He may not realize how much you care for him and what you are willing to do for him.

You also need to seriously think through, what you are willing to do. Are you willing to put yourselves totally out for him, only to have him go back to her? It is a strong possibility.

Sometimes it does take having someone physically help/demonstrate that there is a way out. That living like this is not what he deserves.

You are a good friend.

 

[urban dreamer]

 

[noobiechickenlady]

My beastie (best guy friend) is not quite in the same situation as your friend, for one he's still mobile! That's terrible about your friend...

I agree, kidnap him, bring him home & hide his phone!
That's why my beastie comes to my house so much. He feels safe, no nagging, no bi***ing, no fights, just good convo with two good friends who love him dearly, a chess board and good food. Maybe a homemade margarita or two to ease the stress of the day

Sometimes, folks just get trapped into a situation, then over time it becomes normal to them.
Beastie wants to leave his wife, but they have 2 awesome kids who until now have not been old enough to choose to go with dad and well, she's all he's ever known for a home life. They married young... At least she was all he knew, until we reconnected (we lost touch for many years, and only found each other about 8 years ago) Finally, after much turmoil, grief and the kids reaching teenhood, he's making plans to get away with them. He could prove her unfit, but it took a lot of drama from her to convince him that he needs to.

I wish you luck with the deprogramming! Sorry, it's what popped into my head. Seriously, good luck!

 

[urban dreamer]

 

[FarmerDenise]

I think it is really important for the 2 of you to look after your own needs as well. Don't give up so much of yourself, that it interferes in your well being.

I am 55 now. I have bent over backwards to help sooo many people. Often to my own detriment. I am waaayyy more cautious about doing that sort of thing now. I am still very generous. But I think a lot more about it, before I run out to "help" someone.

The other night I saw a very pertinent "Waltons" show. I don't usually catch that show anymore. I was flipping through channels.

An actress (a grown woman, not a young one) got in trouble and got stranded in the Walton's area. The kids want to "save" her and have the family put her up. Daughter: Mom, if she were a lost puppy we would keep her and take care of her. Mom, that's my point, she is not a lost helpless puppy. She did this to herself. She caused her own problems by her lifestyle and choices.
The actress overhears, agrees and the family figures out a way for her to help herself get home. Happy ending!

The point being, think about how a person got into the situation. They may still need help getting out of it, but you are not obligated to help them under any circumstances (you would be an enabler). Someone who habitually gets themselves into "trouble" needs to figure out for themselves what they are doing wrong. But once they do, it is ok to lend them a helping hand.
Your friend sounds like he never had the proper tools to begin with. You can give him a few chances, but beware, that he may not respond in the way you would like. It is your choice, if you still want to be friends with him in the future.

I know I would help my friend a few times, before I would "give up" on him.

 

[urban dreamer]

 

[MsPony]

Work your feminine magic girly!! Boys, no matter what age or how independent, love mom taking care of them. I was at a friends house, he's 45, at the end of a divorce battle and moved back in with momma. She let me know right away that he is "a big baby". So, win over his man heart with some serious feminine doting when he comes over

From the sounds of it he didn't have a great female role model in the house, and looked for something similar in a different way. She sounds very toxic and he needs to raise his standards for a better woman

 

[Farmfresh]

urban you are at THAT age.

We had a good friend like that. He had been my hubbies school chum since 3rd grade and was our mutual friend all during high school. We went everywhere together. When we first got married (I was 17 hubby was 21) he had his spot at our table every night and I almost always cooked for three.

Then things changed ... it had started to change in high school, but we were too good of friends to notice. First L (Mr straight A student never do anything wrong) started smoking ... no big deal. Then he started drinking... so did a lot of us. Then a little dope ... now we were starting to get worried. Before we knew it after graduation he was occasionally shooting heroin and doing acid on a REGULAR basis. He was hanging with a really nice crowd as well. (Ever heard of Bob Berdella? He was convicted of serial killings in Kansas City in 1987 AND sometimes partied with our friend L!!!!)

When he started the heavy drugs our relationship was strained to the point of finally breaking. He was obviously in destruct mode. When we were around WE tended to slip down (drink too much etc.) INSTEAD of being able to lift him up. My hubby found himself in a few VERY dicey situations while trying to help his good friend. It was painful. We had to cut him loose or lose what we had.

What we had then and still do is a very close bond and great relationship. Lots of what you write about "your Zach" sounds like what I have said about my hubby... and 30 years later it STILL does!

Let your friend know you love him and IF he chooses to clean things up you are there. Most importantly work on this new marriage. Keep it tight. A nice secure couple that love each other can do the most for everyone.