Wannabefree...guess what I got in the mail today!?!?!?!?

[the funny farm6]

your dd15 and my dd15 ought to get to get together. well maybe not! they would probly start a gang. lol cant make mine happy for nuthin right now. i thought about duct taping mine to a tree. but that would upset the neighbers. you think moon phase?

 

[Wannabefree]

The boy goes to her school. BUT, she doesn't have any classes with him usually, and she is grounded for a month from her phone, and everything else. The eldest and her DH got a bit of a chewing too, and DD 15 was told IN FRONT OF THEM, she could no longer go off them, because NONE of them can follow the rules. DD20 swears she didn't know...but I don't think that is so either because otherwise, they'd have answered the phone, ESPECIALLY after both myself AND DH left voice messages for them to please pick up if they knew the whereabouts of the dipwad boyfriend. I think they are all compulsive liars We had the same issues with DD20 when she lived here :/ It's pathetic, and I dunno how to deal with it, other than to just keep them at arms length. And Pinky, I'm not talking to DD15. I am soooooo done with the lies, and deceitfullness out of her. may as well not try to have a close relationship with someone who doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. Those relationships never work, so I am done investing my emotions any further. I have a responsibility to her until she is 18. If she doesn't change, then that is the end of it. I don't know what else to do.

 

[Wannabefree]

your dd15 and my dd15 ought to get to get together. well maybe not! they would probly start a gang. lol cant make mine happy for nuthin right now. i thought about duct taping mine to a tree. but that would upset the neighbers. you think moon phase?

If only it would make a difference in their little self centered minds....... They're just stupid kids, but the lying, and sneaking around....I can't handle it.

 

[Beekissed]

So DD went out with her sister and BIL...they were gone about 5 hours to see a 3 hour movie. No big deal, just with her sister. EXCEPT, I got a call from DD's boyfriends mom, wanting to know where her son is, and if he's with DD, because she can't find him, and his best friend can't get a hold of him on his phone either. Nobody knows where he is. So I call eldest DD to see if he's with them, nobody will pick up their phones. It was past time for the movie to be out. Wanna guess where he was found? Yep, with my 15 year old on a double date with DD20 and her husband. DD KNOWS she is not allowed to date until she's 16. DD NEVER mentioned to us that they were picking him up, which is NOT okay with us after the bedroom incident a few weeks ago. at. all. Then she yells at us that "yes she did tell DH they were picking him up." So, to recap, his mother had no clue where he was, we had no clue they were together because nothing was ever mentioned to either sets of parents, nobody would answer their phone. When they pulled in, I went out and point blank asked son in law "Did ya'll go get DD's boyfriend?" His response...You'll have to talk to them about that. In other words they KNEW we were /would be upset, and I think they were helping DD15 sneak around behind our backs. Is she lying? Am I seeing it all wrong? Overreacting? I know I'm stressed, but I'm not stupid, and I don't think I overreacted considering the circumstances. I just want a second opinion, and UNBIASED second opinion. So, feel free to post what you all think about it. I am asking for what everyone else thinks. Go..

Yes, she is lying. No, you aren't seeing it all wrong. No, you are not overreacting. Actually, you are under-reacting by my book.

Time for a family meeting and extreme lockdown/punishment(take away all privileges such as going out..ever..with anyone...until she can be trusted. No cell phone, no computer, no TV, no Ipod, no nothin'~ but chores, family interaction and reading books) on the 15 yr. old...might also include the boy's parents in this meeting.

It's not acceptable to lie. It's not acceptable to sneak around and disobey your parent's wishes. It's not acceptable for older siblings to aid in this endeavor~married or not, living in your home or not. It's no small matter to transport a minor away from their parent's home without their express permission/knowledge, so the boy's parents could conceivably file charges on your older daughter and husband.

 

[so lucky]

I don't believe a kid lying to their parents is necessarily a sign of disrespect. It probably has nothing to do with you. It is a sign of being a kid. It's part of what they have to go through to become their own person, test your limits (and gullibility) and be able to set their own boundaries. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but don't take it as a personal attack. At least she was with a stable "older" couple, whom she trusted. She could have sneaked out and been in the company of her BF and some druggies, drunks, very unsavory characters, etc.
I fear if you try to keep her under your thumb too much, she will find her freedom at what ever the cost. And in doing so you and she will lose the chance of having a good relationship with each other, when she does finally grow up enough to be civil.
Instead of banishing him forever, I suggest that after her grounding, you set up some opportunities for them to be together but totally supervised, such as at family activities where she and he have an active role. Have him help haul hay, or take them fishing, or let them make dinner for you, mow the lawn, paint the house, whatever. Just keep your eyes open, and keep the lovebirds busy. And try to be realistic about a teen's hormones as she gets older. I know several beautiful teen girls whose parents chose to "trust" them rather than get them on birth control. The girls are mothers, now.
Just my 2 cents.

 

[odd_duck99]

1) Wanna, where are you from? I can't remember.

2) You have rules for a reason. She knew that there were consequences for breaking those rules, I assume. Therefore, punish the hell out of her, and ask her what the heck she thought was gonna happen! Even as adults we have to follow the rules. Bending them is a risk you take. Also a lesson is how fragile trust is, how fast it can be broken, and how long it takes to mend.

 

[HandledWithCare]

Well I may be biased at 23, but I think severe punishment is in order. Nothing scared me as a teen more than the three hour serious talks when I'd done something wrong. The screaming can only last for ten minutes but a lecture? Never let them see you sweat; my mom calmly getting onto me was always worse than a yell fest. Also, never ever threaten to disown her. She's your daughter, a part of you and I can't think of a stronger relationship than a mother and her daughter. Throughout my teens with my few mild bouts with lying--never dated, drank, smoked, etc just by choice--I knew that no matter how mad Mom got, she would still love me and be there when I needed her.

I can tell you that without that security, the human mind breaks down pretty quickly. So talk to her, ground her from everything and don't give up on her. At 15 she's a fairly well-behaved kid if this is the worst she's done. Of course boys are often the problem with teenage girls although I myself didn't really deal with boys much, being a huge tomboy and REALLY sarcastic. I think that if you tell her she can talk to you and mean it, she will. I don't mean hand her the car keys and tell her to live it up, but let her know that you'll love her no matter what. A kid who's less afraid of Mom abandoning them--or murdering, let's be honest I know Mom considered it--is not going to have to lie as much as a kid who has to hide it all. And she's 15 which is really young for a boyfriend in MY thoughts, and I think that allowing her a "boyfriend" but not letting them date is causing a Romeo & Juliet situation--or Rapunzel--where they see themselves wrongfully forced apart. Teens love drama. I like the idea of making them do supervised activities, especially farm work. That'll give you a break and take away some of the drama.

I hope this wasn't taken out of context or anything. It's none of our business what you end up doing but I thought I'd give the "younger" perspective since I can still (faintly) remember the terrible teens.

Good luck!

 

[SSDreamin]

Short version: When I was 15 (yes, I can remember back that far! ) I got in a truck, to go to the movies with I thought my best friend and her sister. Nope, it was my best friend and her boyfriend :/ Went anyways, boyfriend lent me his coat because I was freezing my tuckus off at one point, came home 'smelling like a guy' Got grounded for 1 year. No privledges what so ever, loooonnnngg chore lists to keep me busy. Called a liar repeatedly (did not believe it was best friends guy, had to be MY boyfriend I know, different than your situation, but anyway). Three months later, I ran away from home. Never went back. Never forgave them for not listening to my side of things either, truth be told. So, my second opinion is

 

[FarmerChick]

DD15 pulled a teenager plot on ya and got away with it (ALMOST)!

DD20 is the one I would be ticked off at big time. It took 'an adult and her hubby' to pull this off. THAT is the one I would get super duper ticked off with right now.
DD20 is not an adult obviously. she was the one that made this all happen. she wouldn't answer the phone when being in charge. she took the BF knowing you didn't want her dating. and then when confronted they give ya a junk story.

While DD15 needs a good lecture I would be pulling any DD20 activities. DD20 wouldn't be carting around the other DD until she proves she is trustworthy.

but take it all in stride. this is what kids try to get away with. you are obviously on top of things (or trying ). hang in there. all will be good. YOU just gotta survive teenager time!

 

[FarmerJamie]

WBF - what's her daddy have to say about this?

Yes, kids this age are pushing boundaries, it's how they figure out where the boundaries are. That shouldn't get them lesser punishment, however. I would make her keeping up her grades as a pre-condition of earning back her "freedoms" (they are not "rights"). As another parent of teenagers, I know how persistent they can be, particularly when they have a different life outlook that you did that age (or now). Find her something to do around the homestead.

Just 3 years and legally she won't be your problem any more!