Wannabefree...guess what I got in the mail today!?!?!?!?

[Denim Deb]

WBF, I can so relate to what your DD did. I tried it myself when I was 14. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, but I had my first boyfriend at 14. And, he was 18! He was allowed to come over to see me. He was allowed to pick me up at school. He was allowed to go w/me to youth group activites but that was it.

The circus came to Philly. I had never been. (Still haven't) He wanted to take me. His parents were going-we just didn't know when. So we told my parents that his parents were going to make them think I was going w/his family. Well, he got the chicken pocks and we couldn't go! Never tried anything like that again.

I think sitting down w/his parents and both kids is a good idea-as long as they're on the same page as you are and have a long discussion w/them. Kids at that age don't think about the consequences of their actions. Make them think about it. Your DD knows how much you struggle just to keep food on the table, clothes on her back and a roof over her head. Now, ask her how she'd be able to do the same if she suddenly found herself pregnant. Make it clear to her that while you wouldn't mind babysitting once in awhile, you will not raise the child yourself-that would be her job. She'd be the one getting up in the middle of the night to care for a crying baby. She'd be the one sitting home when all her friends are out having a good time. I can't say it would work, but you can try.

As for DD 20, she needs a talking to as well. She's old enough to know better and has done herself more damage than she realizes. I'd have a very hard time trusting her after this and probably wouldn't allow her to take her sister any place for the next 2+ years. It would be one thing if she really didn't know, but I doubt this is the case. And like Bee said, she could be charged for transporting the BF. I won't even give a kid I know a ride down the street from the bus stop if I'm going past them. Nor will I be alone w/them in a room. It's for my protection as well as theirs. They can't accuse me of something and I can't accuse them of anything.

 

[pinkfox]

yup, DD20 would be the one getting major wrath "i didnt know" MY TUCKUS!
shes no longer living under your roof so theres not realy much that can be done, but shes the one that nees the hiding here...

I like the idea of the family meeting with both families involved...
given DD15's personality i do think a few days of some serious silent/ignoring is in order...its hard for her to focus, but shes a sensitive kid, i dont thin shes the truly rebellious type, but she simply saw an opportunity (and i dont for a second doubt DD20 helped her plot thous out and may ahve even put the seed in her head) and didnt focus on what the consequences would be...
being she is sensitive (and shes proven that under the sandpaper attitude she does care) i think a few days of silent treatment is going to work alot better than yelling ect...she yells to get rid of "steam" its anger, and i think to her yelling is just a form of therapy...but to see she realy did hurt you to the point that right now it sadens you to think about the betrayal...THAT might sink in a little better.
after a few days when your feeling a little more apt to keep the calm...talk to her dad, you guys need to be SERIOULY united on this...and while i knwo he tries, right now YOUR the parent and hes the good guy, and in reality Dad stepping in here is going to make mroe of an impact...
set some topics of discussion and sit her down, together, and seriously TALK to her
i dont even think a lecture "you were wrong" kind of talk is needed...more a "do you knwo how wooried his mother was" "do you know how worried we were when noone answered the phones or called us back" "do you understand WHY?" ect type thing.

*hugs hun*
i know you care about her and thats why this is getting to you so much, but daddy needs to step in here too.

 

[Wannabefree]

Wow some of you are hard core I so want to pull her out of school and back in homeschool at this point...thanks for ALL the advice. Between the lot of you, we are somewhere in the middle on punishment, which honestly, is where I want to be. She's grounded from everything except TV for a month, and won't be going out with her sister anymore either, because her sister can't be trusted. It'll be a loooooooooooong time before I take her at her word again...loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong long time! Jamie, her daddy is mad too, but he's wayyyy more mild tempered and lenient than I am. I get to be the bad guy Although, yesterday I was so aggravated I couldn't even trust myself to talk, so HE outlined the punishment to her. She is still holding out that she's innocent, and I am still not talking to her yet. WHEN I do, which will be when I know I can without losing my mind, then she will get a good lecture to boot. I just can't do it right now. Maybe in a few days. I have to maintain control, and I'm still too mad at the blatant lie, and cohorting with her dippy sister, and....just mainly the big fat LIE. She is wanting to play innocent, which is a horrible habit of hers, and I am not buying it for a half second and she knows. She's waiting for me to really say my piece, and she knows it's coming. She's sweating, anticipating me dropping the hammer down on her over this mess. I'm just mean enough to be enjoying seeing her sweat for a minute. Serves her right, really. I didn't know what to think when his mom called me wanting to know "where her son is" and then couldn't get a hold of them by phone....there goes the blood pressure again...I better quit thinking about it. Anyway, I thank you all for the advice and support! Teenagers are evil little trolls, no doubt! I just hope we ALL survive! I can at least joke about it a bit now. Yesterday, I couldn't find anything funny at all.

Church time, and I don't really feel like going I've been so down and stressed, just the very thought of going and smiling makes my stomach sick. I hate being fake, but I don't want to share how I feel either. People KNOW me, and KNOW I am always happy, but I'm currently not happy, and I don't want to feel/be so awkward if that makes ANY sense. I think I'm getting depressed, because I don't want to be around anybody, and that is NOT who I really am, by a long shot. This stinks :/ I haven't been going regularly anyway, and I miss church, but I MISS BEING ME. So confusing.....

I'm gonna drag myself in, though I'd rather stay home and just do a long bible study instead :/

 

[moxies_chickennuggets]

"Wow some of you are hard core..."

Hard core, tough love...teenagers push parental boundaries....just to see what they are. How far they can go ...and what they can get away with. It's not as painful as it all sounds in the long run. After all.....a young adult, needs to know, that mom and dad really do care enough to place those boundaries. And enforce them. I have seen and heard so many times, of how ...people..as teens...stated...."mom & dad didn't care what I did.....yada...yada..."

 

[Beekissed]

I was being mild in my advice. Had it been my child, they would have received a good belting as well as all the other punishment. They will only do what you let them get by with and I hold firm to the Biblical principle that the rod will not hurt a child, but provides instruction and guidance when used properly and judiciously.

Must have worked...got 3 boys through the teen years and beyond all by my lonesome...well...not by my lonesome. I had God helping me all the way! I actually enjoyed the teen years with my boys and only had a few minor rough spots to stress about..and, no, I was not raising children that were just naturally angelic. They had all the same propensities of the normal teen but were not allowed to exercise them. That's what being a parent is all about, really, guiding them through their dumb years into some level of sanity and maturity.

 

[Denim Deb]

Cindi, I don't know what your church is like, but this is the time more than any other when you really NEED the support of other believers. They cannot help you, nor pray for you when they don't know that you're suffering. And, if you cannot share this w/your church, then you may need to find another church.

 

[~gd]

WBF - what's her daddy have to say about this?

Yes, kids this age are pushing boundaries, it's how they figure out where the boundaries are. That shouldn't get them lesser punishment, however. I would make her keeping up her grades as a pre-condition of earning back her "freedoms" (they are not "rights"). As another parent of teenagers, I know how persistent they can be, particularly when they have a different life outlook that you did that age (or now). Find her something to do around the homestead.

Just 3 years and legally she won't be your problem any more!

Push too hard and she can be gone a lot sooner. Once the cops decide she is a runaway they will quit looking. That is what I did, off at 17 kept contact through a trusted Scoutmaster. Came home when I left the Navy at 21.
They tried to rule me like a kid and I just quietly said you didn't learn anything in 4 years? If you keep it up the next time you will see me will be at a funeral. We can talk as adults or I can be gone again. We all talked.....

 

[Wannabefree]

~gd I agree with you. I had hard parents as well. I was told at 18 to be in by 8. I never came back. I had wanted out of the abuse for years anyway, so it was like a vacation for me to live under a bridge, and I did, like a little troll for about 2 months, until I found a place. It was difficult, but worth it. I didn't have to worry about getting beat up for being different AKA having my own opinion. I never meshed well with my people, still don't, but we can be somewhat civil now as long as the conversation doesn't turn toward anything of the past, or anything they think they can control.

With DD, I have to be careful. I DON'T want to push her away, but I also will NOT tolerate blatant abuse of priviledges, ESPECIALLY when those priviledges pertain to the opposite gender. Too much at stake.

moxie and Bee...the WOW some of you are hard core comment was rather tongue in cheek. I know what ya'll meant, and considered it thoughtfully. It is SO HARD to take myself out of the situation sometimes and take a step back and make a reasonable decision, instead of an emotional one....it's part of the curse of being female :/ I am SO emotional, especially when my bratty child, who I truly DEARLY love beyond anything else in this world, decides to disobey in a big way. We give her as much as we can, and she is soooooo unappreciative, but then, that's typical of teens. Can't kill em, can't sell em, can't even give em away to anybody who has ever had one because they know how much trouble they are.... So I guess I just have to deal with it. Woohoo.....*sigh*

I quit spanking her when she "learned English" meaning when she got old enough you could actually somewhat verbally REASON with her. I am under no illusion however, that she is grown up, or even making THAT much progress for that matter. I just don't spank her anymore. It doesn't work anyway It quit working when she was about 8 or 9, and I finally realized it wasn't working anymore about 2 years ago. :/ Grounding on the other hand...HURTS. OH the agony of not having a phone! Oh, how horrid to not be able to wear her makeup and straighten her hair, because of restriction of priviledges. She literally HATES to be grounded. I could beat her for 24 hours straight and she'd shed nary a tear, but as soon as "grounded" comes out of mine or her daddys mouth....the waterworks begin. Her little life is crumbling before our eyes. She could stand a little humility, and less arrogance, though. So, it's good for her.

I believe in the parental trifecta. We nourish her body by feeding her good food, and we nourish her spirit by feeding her the word of God, and sometimes we just have to get her back down to earth by nourishing her mind and her memory and taking her arrogance and willfullness down a notch or two when we bust her for disobedience. I'm absolutely positive we don't catch her EVERY time doing things she isn't supposed to anyway.

Jamie, just three years and I PRAY she is a level headed well adjusted young lady holding up her own boundaries with her own set of reasonable standards for herself. HOPE & PRAYER....that's all we really have! I'll have a talk with her when we BOTH get over being so furious with each other. She's really a pretty reasonable child when she wants to be, but she HATES conceding to any rules with a passion especially when she thinks she might be able to squeeze out getting away with something.

Deb, I love my church. Always. It's not that I "can't" confide in any of them, I just didn't "want" to confide in anyone. Soemtimes I am just so mad i don't want to talk about it Typing is somehow different. You can walk away from a computer, and "listen" or not, but face to face, is a little different. I just didn't feel like being social at all. However, I am glad I went. I needed to go. I just kind of played wallflower today moreso than usual. I'm one of those people whose expression tells all, even when I'm not trying to show anything...it's really annoying! Anyway, I did enjoy going, even though the pastor is STILL bent on arguing his point with me Speaking of which I gotta email him my rebuttal tongight...catch him fresh Monday morning He always checks email at work, rather than home. Poor guy

 

[moxies_chickennuggets]

We can only hope they listen to us as parents...and make good decisions. We will love them anyway.

 

[Wannabefree]

We can only hope they listen to us as parents...and make good decisions. We will love them anyway.

So true.

I made homemade Reese's as an experiment for dessert tonight. I got too full at dinner to eat any though

I have been seriously CRAVING sweets lately It must be the depression and foul mood I have been stuck in lately. I'm getting FAT again :/