moxies_chickennuggets
Super Self-Sufficient
Both DH and myself...are certified "Grinches".....frugal Scotch/Irish kinda thing going. I make good 'ol Abe Lincoln..the penny...bleed at least 3x before he can leave my wallet. 
what to do when your spouse doesn't "get it"...ss that is!
- Thread starter lorihadams
- Start date
HeronsNestFarm
Power Conserver
So my suggestion might not be the most popular. I find that when I am having a problem with my husband and we don't see eye to eye, only one thing has a real effect-- prayer. When I pray in secret God dialogues with me about these things, gives me strategies, and changes my heart.
The change to MY heart is the most important because, usually (and this is unfortunate), by the time I start praying I'm exasperated. This means that my heart is not in a god place and the way I am approaching my husband is not good. I will say that when I employ prayer as my chief tool in a situation, things change in ways I never would have orchestrated.
Now I pray to Jesus, but don't let any stereotypical ideas about Christians turn you off to the idea of developing a prayer life. It is a time of reflection that steadies the mind and allows new thoughts to penetrate. I will make a plea to all to "get a God" (and there are lots out there!) as I say because it gives you your own "plumb line" to build your house of prayer on.
The biggest thing I would say to you is believe for your husband. Believe the best of him. If you come from a place of believing it will change your interactions. The last thing you want is him annoyed and actually subconsciously setting himself against change!
The change to MY heart is the most important because, usually (and this is unfortunate), by the time I start praying I'm exasperated. This means that my heart is not in a god place and the way I am approaching my husband is not good. I will say that when I employ prayer as my chief tool in a situation, things change in ways I never would have orchestrated.
Now I pray to Jesus, but don't let any stereotypical ideas about Christians turn you off to the idea of developing a prayer life. It is a time of reflection that steadies the mind and allows new thoughts to penetrate. I will make a plea to all to "get a God" (and there are lots out there!) as I say because it gives you your own "plumb line" to build your house of prayer on.
The biggest thing I would say to you is believe for your husband. Believe the best of him. If you come from a place of believing it will change your interactions. The last thing you want is him annoyed and actually subconsciously setting himself against change!
Leta
Lovin' The Homestead
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I have never had a problem with DH being supportive of SS- he is at least as SS as I am, though I am the worrier of the two of us. I am the "what if the power goes out and we need to wash clothes" person. (Then again, our power went out for at least 3 weeks every year that I was growing up- because we were on a minigrid- and I worked through the Great Blackout of 2003.)
I am also the wackier one. Some of my ideas start from a really out-there place. But DH was raised by people who are deeply, reactively judgmental, so the fact that he sometimes needs a minute to set his previous paradigm aside is understandable.
That said, DH becoming frugal has been a process. His parents are rural farm people, but they are actually less SS than what we are, and they are really into material stuff.
For examples:
The first winter we lived on $800 per month, and our car payment and insurance cost $350, plus we had to pay for gas and all our utilities. We ate pancakes and rice and beans. I was pregnant, and it got to the point where I NEEDED SOME PROTEIN. DH already had a fishing license, and poles, and he asked his dad if he could borrow his ice borer to go ice fishing so we didn't have to live just on starch. His dad offered to lend us money instead. DH agreed that we'd pay him back in the spring when we got tax return. It was only $125- DH wanted the manual one. His dad wouldn't lend us the money for the manual one. He insisted that DH get the $400 self propelled model.
MIL has always liked furniture and collectibles, but a few things have happened that have caused her to develop what I would characterize as a mental illness. She took care of her own MIL before her death, she got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and we moved away. Those three things really sent her over the edge. MIL and FIL live in a 1400 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Just the two of them and a dog. They have a very large pole barn, as well as a 500 square foot cabin on the back of their property. The house is so filled with (nice, oak) furniture that you really can't walk through it. There are four TVs in the house, plus two in the barn and one at the cabin. They have two trucks, a van, and a jeep. They have half a dozen tractors which are literally NEVER used. Plus they have kayaks and a hot tub and a camper and four wheelers and enough guns to invade Cuba. Everything MIL buys is name brand. She would never deign to use anything other than Tide or Advil or Ziploc. They order so much stuff from Cabela's that Cabela's sends them a leather bound catalog. I mean, seriously, have you ever even heard of a leather bound catalog? I had not. FIL eats on the road non-stop, because he travels for work. MIL is alone, so she doesn't cook much, which is understandable, but everything she eats comes out of a box from the freezer- Stouffer's lasagna, chicken tenders, pasta with veggies. Again, it's all name brand.
About five years ago, MIL built a chamber in the barn that is about 80 feet square and 15 feet tall. It is nothing but melamine walls, wooden shelves, and those plastic storage boxes. There are 160 of those storage boxes in there- 4 wide and 10 high per wall times four walls. I bet she spent $1000 converting that patch of barn, and the stuff that's in there is mostly not worth anything- picture frames, wrapping paper, key chains. Since they got their inheritance from DH's grandma, MIL had another metal building put up. It is one of those that they use at self-storage places. This is not a business venture, it is a six bay building *just for their own storage needs*.
The really sad part about all this is that FIL has made about $40,000 per year, plus bonuses (with no health insurance costs) since the 80s. Since the economy has been down, he doesn't make bonuses anymore, but he still makes $60,000 with those great benefits. When MIL was farming, she brought in $100,000 per year for 12 years. They got their land and their tractors for a song from MILs parents, and while they were paying it off they lived rent free in a little family rental house. They only had a $50,000 mortgage on their house and gigantic pole barn.
The house wasn't paid off until they got their inheritance last year. They have had low expenses and very handsome income for decades, but they remained indebted because they spent their money on toys, "status" and junk. Money after money to store all that junk, to maintain it and pay taxes on it.
When I consider how DH was raised, my patience increases. And he really has made a ton of progress. His lightbulb moment was when he bought me a pair of boots that were at least $100, and we couldn't return them. My feet grew during pregnancy and they didn't fit. We gave them away. Since then, he has been much more thoughtful about purchases.
He actually ASKED me to put him on a budget. He gets $50 per week for gas and chiropractor co-pays. We agreed that any online purchases would be discussed prior to hitting the "pay" button. I take care of our grocery shopping. DH brews his own beer, and doesn't smoke, so he has few non-household expenses. This has been a PROCESS, lemme tell ya. But in can be done.
I am also the wackier one. Some of my ideas start from a really out-there place. But DH was raised by people who are deeply, reactively judgmental, so the fact that he sometimes needs a minute to set his previous paradigm aside is understandable.
That said, DH becoming frugal has been a process. His parents are rural farm people, but they are actually less SS than what we are, and they are really into material stuff.
For examples:
The first winter we lived on $800 per month, and our car payment and insurance cost $350, plus we had to pay for gas and all our utilities. We ate pancakes and rice and beans. I was pregnant, and it got to the point where I NEEDED SOME PROTEIN. DH already had a fishing license, and poles, and he asked his dad if he could borrow his ice borer to go ice fishing so we didn't have to live just on starch. His dad offered to lend us money instead. DH agreed that we'd pay him back in the spring when we got tax return. It was only $125- DH wanted the manual one. His dad wouldn't lend us the money for the manual one. He insisted that DH get the $400 self propelled model.
MIL has always liked furniture and collectibles, but a few things have happened that have caused her to develop what I would characterize as a mental illness. She took care of her own MIL before her death, she got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and we moved away. Those three things really sent her over the edge. MIL and FIL live in a 1400 square foot, 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Just the two of them and a dog. They have a very large pole barn, as well as a 500 square foot cabin on the back of their property. The house is so filled with (nice, oak) furniture that you really can't walk through it. There are four TVs in the house, plus two in the barn and one at the cabin. They have two trucks, a van, and a jeep. They have half a dozen tractors which are literally NEVER used. Plus they have kayaks and a hot tub and a camper and four wheelers and enough guns to invade Cuba. Everything MIL buys is name brand. She would never deign to use anything other than Tide or Advil or Ziploc. They order so much stuff from Cabela's that Cabela's sends them a leather bound catalog. I mean, seriously, have you ever even heard of a leather bound catalog? I had not. FIL eats on the road non-stop, because he travels for work. MIL is alone, so she doesn't cook much, which is understandable, but everything she eats comes out of a box from the freezer- Stouffer's lasagna, chicken tenders, pasta with veggies. Again, it's all name brand.
About five years ago, MIL built a chamber in the barn that is about 80 feet square and 15 feet tall. It is nothing but melamine walls, wooden shelves, and those plastic storage boxes. There are 160 of those storage boxes in there- 4 wide and 10 high per wall times four walls. I bet she spent $1000 converting that patch of barn, and the stuff that's in there is mostly not worth anything- picture frames, wrapping paper, key chains. Since they got their inheritance from DH's grandma, MIL had another metal building put up. It is one of those that they use at self-storage places. This is not a business venture, it is a six bay building *just for their own storage needs*.
The really sad part about all this is that FIL has made about $40,000 per year, plus bonuses (with no health insurance costs) since the 80s. Since the economy has been down, he doesn't make bonuses anymore, but he still makes $60,000 with those great benefits. When MIL was farming, she brought in $100,000 per year for 12 years. They got their land and their tractors for a song from MILs parents, and while they were paying it off they lived rent free in a little family rental house. They only had a $50,000 mortgage on their house and gigantic pole barn.
The house wasn't paid off until they got their inheritance last year. They have had low expenses and very handsome income for decades, but they remained indebted because they spent their money on toys, "status" and junk. Money after money to store all that junk, to maintain it and pay taxes on it.
When I consider how DH was raised, my patience increases. And he really has made a ton of progress. His lightbulb moment was when he bought me a pair of boots that were at least $100, and we couldn't return them. My feet grew during pregnancy and they didn't fit. We gave them away. Since then, he has been much more thoughtful about purchases.
He actually ASKED me to put him on a budget. He gets $50 per week for gas and chiropractor co-pays. We agreed that any online purchases would be discussed prior to hitting the "pay" button. I take care of our grocery shopping. DH brews his own beer, and doesn't smoke, so he has few non-household expenses. This has been a PROCESS, lemme tell ya. But in can be done.
Well once you have nutered us it is easy. If I ever get depressed about never having found a mate I just read some more of this thread and realize that I missed a whole lot of trouble not just good times. ~gd Male and SELF Sufficient.Better Half said:
Beekissed
Mountain Sage
That's funny....that's what I always say. 
Soooooo glad I don't have to convince someone else to live frugally, to eat healthier foods, to read a book instead of watch the boob tube, etc.
Doing SS alone has it's drawbacks, but arguing with oneself is much easier than arguing with another person.
Soooooo glad I don't have to convince someone else to live frugally, to eat healthier foods, to read a book instead of watch the boob tube, etc. Doing SS alone has it's drawbacks, but arguing with oneself is much easier than arguing with another person.
I think some men--not all, mind you--are arrested in development at about age 12. When they marry, their wife takes the place of their mother. So wives spend their married lives cleaning up after their husbands, scolding to no effect, and building up tremendous rage because their men will not or cannot change their ways. Think how hard it would be to change if you had a female slave to wait on you hand and foot and minister to your every need. Now imagine sharing those jobs--the most menial and dirty ones--every day. I cringe every time I hear a man say, "I don't change diapers--that's my wife's job", because what he is saying is that he is too good to handle ***, but his wife is not. She is his *** slave. Disgusting.
The wives themselves are enabling the behavior, because they want to keep the house decent and if they are in charge of the finances, they want to keep from going bankrupt. This is an old, old script. It is too bad but still true that many women live this way. The alternative is living alone. It's not surprising that fewer people than ever marry nowadays. I keep waiting for the next generation to change the script, but I haven't seen it happen yet.
The wives themselves are enabling the behavior, because they want to keep the house decent and if they are in charge of the finances, they want to keep from going bankrupt. This is an old, old script. It is too bad but still true that many women live this way. The alternative is living alone. It's not surprising that fewer people than ever marry nowadays. I keep waiting for the next generation to change the script, but I haven't seen it happen yet.
FarmerJamie
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And the flip side of that coin are the (not all) women who are arrested in development at about age 12 who are "little princesses" who never had to lift a finger around the house, didn't get their hands dirty outside doing "men's" work, and had a credit card paid for them from age 16. They complain that their husband doesn't make enough, they need a bigger house, and generally make the husband's life a living hell because she wants someone to be her daddy and take care of her wants 24x7
Just as disgusting as your example.
Just as disgusting as your example.
Beekissed
Mountain Sage
I agree! I know an equal number of both. The lucky few who are like minded and pair up are generally the ones that I haven't met too often....
Denim Deb
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If I handled the money, we'd be a lot more frugal and SS than we are. But, hubby decided that he wanted to pay all the bills. As a result, we're more in debt now than we should be. I get so much money per week, and no more. That was why I working, so that I could buy what I wanted. But, that didn't work out. Instead, I wasn't getting the money that I was supposed to, that was budgeted in for me, and was spending most of my money just on the things I HAD to have, like gas for the truck, hay and feed for the animals, etc, all of which was budgeted in. It left me no money for the things I wanted to buy. He was spending it, or giving it to our kids-neither of which were working at the time, and always have their hand out. And, I wasn't making a ton of money. He was constantly saying to me that we need to spend less money-I hardly spend any! I finally got tired of having him telling me this, and told him to go and look in the mirror and tell it to the person he saw there. He buys what he wants when he wants to, whether he has the money or not. I've already decided that, unless I have to tell him, any money that I get I'm not telling him.
One thing that I don't know that I'd ever be able to do, though is buy used clothing. I was the youngest of 4. My sister was 2 years older than I. My mother made most of our clothing-and once I got to a certain age, I hated most of what she made. Plus, I got my sister's hand me downs, most of which I did not like. It's very rare for me to buy clothing, so when I do, I'm going to buy what I like and what fits. But, I also have a budget. It's hard for me to spend more than $20.00 on a pair of jeans, or pair of shoes-except my barn boots or riding boots. I got a pair of those fuzzy lined boots this winter, and had a hard time w/that because they were $25.00. :/
One thing that I don't know that I'd ever be able to do, though is buy used clothing. I was the youngest of 4. My sister was 2 years older than I. My mother made most of our clothing-and once I got to a certain age, I hated most of what she made. Plus, I got my sister's hand me downs, most of which I did not like. It's very rare for me to buy clothing, so when I do, I'm going to buy what I like and what fits. But, I also have a budget. It's hard for me to spend more than $20.00 on a pair of jeans, or pair of shoes-except my barn boots or riding boots. I got a pair of those fuzzy lined boots this winter, and had a hard time w/that because they were $25.00. :/
Leta
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In my experience, the spendthrift population is equally proportioned male and female. I can't tell you how many high maintenance men I know who run through toiletries like there's no tomorrow, who buy candy bars and pop every time they fill up with gas, have to have the fanciest truck with "balls", buy a bag of weed/pack of cigarettes/six pack of beer (or all three) every day. I know just as many women who complain about how small their closets are, who have more shoes and handbags than they could ever use, tags on clothes that are years old, drycleaning bills through the roof because they can't be bothered to handwash, everything is top designer, have to drive a car that's two years old or less, get their nails done every week and their hair colored every month.
Sad, either way. You can't take it with you.
Sad, either way. You can't take it with you.
