Would I be a bad mom.. UPDATE

[AnnaRaven]

How would you like someone saying that to you while you were in the middle of the worst PMS of your life? AFAIC, the teen years are entire years of PMS - crazy hormonal swings. It's like the terrible twos only they're too big to pick up and carry into their rooms for a time-out.

You do need to understand - her brain is not working right now. It's in the process of being rewired, parts of her brain (especially the "moral" and "impulse control" parts) are simply not fully developed yet - and may even be "offline" due to all the hormonal changes.

Please don't say anything that you would regret. Yeah - it sucks. But you need some patience. I understand just how you feel, my DS is 17 and a royal pain in the backside sometimes.

That doesn't mean you have to put up with the behavior. Please set and enforce boundaries and limits with her. Let her know your expectations and the consequences for breaking those. But don't say hurtful things about her as a person. You're the adult and YOU need to control *your* emotional outbursts - you actually have that choice. She may not, yet.

And in the meantime, Believe me, I understand!

 

[THEFAN]

Don't feel bad we all have done it at one point or another. We as parents should not act like children ourselves. We need to act with civilty and higher morality if we hope to see our children get thru these times and there growing years.

Again we all have done this. They will challange you. We have all been there. What they are exposed of today is not helping. They are bombbarded all the time these days. Another reason we got rid of TV 6 yrs ago and until ours is 18 we have all the right to monitor all. Sorry might be to much for some but it is my job not anyone elses to help my child get thur these tough periods. After 18 I pray to the gods she has a right and wrong head on here shoulder. That's all I can ask for.


Good luck and take the high ground all them time. Don

 

[2dream]

FC - You sound like me when my children were small. I could never picture throwing a child away. Drugs, alcohol, stealing and a multitude of other behaviors will make you change your mind. This mind change is never hurried. By the time you reach that point you have usually spent thousands of dollars, thousands of nights laying awake crying, not to mention the endless hours spent wondering and worrying. Every phone call sends chills down your spine and your mind racing. You actually hope its the one phone call allowed and them begging you to come get them out of jail instead of worse news on the other end of that ringing phone.

There comes a point in dealing with these behaviors that you just have to throw up your hands and say - I did the best I could. You are own your own. It does not mean you don't love them. It only means you can no longer deal with the behaviors. Tuff love is exactly what it says. TUFF. I don't think there is any correct answer on when you just have it to do. Some will say the sooner the better because they get the message quicker. Others will say, differently. Its a case by case basis. Its not just that individual child that has to be considered. If there are other children in the family they too have to be considered.

On numerous occasions I was forced to tell my DD that although I loved her dearly, I sure as heck did not like her or her behavior.

She was 28 years old before she ever started turning her life around. Now we are best friends.

Edited to add: Drugs and alcohol were her major problem. Counseling did not help. Jail did not help (that was beyond my control, since I could not get her out). She was 19 before I actually threw up my hands.

 

[elijahboy]

at 16 they think they are grown............

choices....................

never kick them out.however give them the choice.if you cant act right then get out.tell her see if you can pay bills on your own.if you want to act like a moral person by all means can live under MY ROOF. its my rules. tell her every aspect of of her life will be some else rules no matter where she goes or does.

 

[Dace]

Ugh...teenagers

No you are not wrong to point out bad behavior and while I am sure not ALL teens lie, I think most do.

I just had a long talk with my 17 yr old yesterday. She prefers to blame me and Hubby for everything that doesn't go her way. I firmly pointed out that it all comes from her....lie/make bad choices/skirt the truth... all of those things equal a break down in trust. When I can't count on you being forthcoming with details, even unpleasant ones, then there is just no trust. When there is no trust then no, you can't go to that party etc.

I CAN tell you that is does get better! I have a 19 yr old who was a royal pain in the butt as a younger teen....now she is a joy!

Hang in there and keep reminding her that she is a better girl that she is acting right now!

 

[TanksHill]

This is what I would say and have said:

I will always love you because you are my daughter but there are times I don't like you. You know better because I have taught you better. Don't lower yourself to the level of ________ or doing ________. Be a step above. You are going to learn certain lessons in life. If you are smart you will learn from the experience of others. If you are stubborn you will pay a price one way or the other because life works that way.

Then stay on her "behind" because you have only a short time before she turns 18.

I like this response. Sounds like my Mom.

 

[FarmerChick]

I understand 2dream.

that is why I put in the (of course this is subject to change) line LOL

but I can't explain it in words truly, our family and relatives/outer family are close. We all have been that way and we stick together as a family even thru the horrible teenage years LOL just something we know in this family----again I can't explain it

but you are right, no telling what another 12-13 years will bring me with Nicole growing up. But I can't tell that now, but I know, like I said before, it would have to be monsterous bad situation. So all I can do is wait and see lol and do the best I can over the next years to try to prevent "too wild" of behavior LOL

God help me if she is like I was --then I gotta go to Mom for more advice!

 

[me&thegals]

This is what I would say and have said:

I will always love you because you are my daughter but there are times I don't like you. You know better because I have taught you better. Don't lower yourself to the level of ________ or doing ________. Be a step above. You are going to learn certain lessons in life. If you are smart you will learn from the experience of others. If you are stubborn you will pay a price one way or the other because life works that way.

Then stay on her "behind" because you have only a short time before she turns 18.

I like this one. I don't think you need to get as personal as "I wouldn't be your friend if you were an adult."

 

[Damummis]

I feel like I have parental whiplash. I have been holding on to the end of the rope for SO long..... it seems. I am just tired. I have tried EVERY avenue short of hauling off and whacking her. That I am proud of. I was the victim of "Biblicaly" approved spankings and I promised myself I would never lay a hand on my kids.

She knows that she is out of here at 18 because she refuses to live by house rules.

I haven't said anything to her yet about how I feel. I am in self imposed time out. Shoveling snow.

Thanks for the support. Needed to vent.

 

[Bettacreek]

it would take ALOT (and I mean a HELL OF ALOT) for me to ever kick my kid out of the house. I certainly don't know the circumstances of your DD. But for me personally, I would work thru very very very very much with my kid before the throwing out of the house bit starts. Before my child ever hits the streets on her own, she will be set up with good job, good housing, etc. I would never leave it to chance. ever

my DD is only 5 years old lol so I got a long way to go, but throwing my kid out of my home (unless it was truly a horrifying situation--and I mean it would have to be unbelievably horrible), throwing her out woud never be an option to me.


(disclaimer) this is my opinion, how I view raising my daughter in this family. Our family sticks together no matter what. Throwing someone out is just not an option I would choose. (of course subject to change in the future, but again, it would have to be monsterous situation)

Every time I hear some parent say they can't wait to throw there kid out just gives me the willies. I don't know, probably cause my family is so close and this just doesn't happen.

I have to agree. Everyone says about "when my kids turn 18..." IMHO, when they turn 18 they're still children and need help and guidance. I don't expect my kids to move out until they're at least 25, lol.