Blue Skys: Not ready for change.

[Dace]

I am sorry....

I have to agree with Free, if you really are friends, then there may be a way to salvage and repair your marriage.

I just celebrated my 21st anniversary and I can tell you that marriage is not all fun and good times. There are struggles, but when the foundation is good, you CAN weather any storm.

Just food for thought.

 

[lorihadams]

My hubby and I are celebrating our 9th anniversary this month and if he left me when things got rough the first time he would have been gone a LOOOOOOOOng time ago. We have an appointment with a therapist in 2 weeks. We haven't seen her in 6 months but we feel like we need to hash out some things with a neutral 3rd party. It really does help.

Hope things get better soon sweetie!

 

[Blue Skys]

Well, thanks y'all. It sucks that I have no friends, but it's nice that I can turn to complete strangers. Counseling is not an option for him, I guess I really don't like the idea either.

He's not cut out for married life, or so he insists. He doesn't want to do anything that requires work. I do 100% of any housework, yardwork, vehicle maintanence, and some of that should be shared. But he does hold a job that is very good, so he's not a loser or anything, just doesn't want to do anything but play when he is not at work. It makes me crazy. My car has been needing an inspection for 3 months, it needs some work and haven't had the money for it. I just recently got a part time job, in the hopes of saving money, but so far all of it has gone to bills, because he saw it as an opportunity to use his money on fun things, quiting my full time job in January was his idea, he wanted me to be a house wife, I needed to get out of the house, hence the new pt job. This puts me in a position that I can't take care of myself, and I don't know if that's why I want to stay. Part of me feels that he is responsable for taking care of me, then I think it's stupid. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, sometimes I feel like the maid and cook, I can't do that anymore.

 

[Wifezilla]

Stop paying the bills. Save your money. Then go and be happy.

 

[murphysranch]

What WZ says.

Been there. Got the first hubby outa debt. Took me 5 years. Then he left me for a co-worker. Nice.

 

[ohiofarmgirl]

if he says he doesnt want to be married.. then i'd believe him. life is hard enough and is too short to be miserable.

that being said - like free says. you can try and fix it but it sounds like you'd have to "rebalance" the relationship. quit solving his problems, do only your work, go and find your own friends, get a better job, and stop feeling bad about yourself.

and then take a good hard look at what you are doing to make the situation what it is. what is your responsibility in this?

a lot of us have had to start over. it really isnt the end of the world.

 

[Blue Skys]

I have never been good at listening to my heart. It is telling me all I need to know. Life IS to short to be unhappy. I should consider it a blessing that we are not being mean to each other and things can be easy on both of us. It just means me stepping out of my comfort zone and living a life I had not imagined, but I'm beginning to see that it will be as good as I make it, meaning I seriously need to stop feeling sorry for myself, be a grown up and do what I need to do.

Maybe it will be GREAT??? Learning who I want to be and how I want to live life...

I am grateful that y'all are helping me. I have trouble being friends, I often read posts that I want to comment on, but don't feel as though I should, because my opinion doesn't matter? I need to cut that crap out, open up and be myself. That's one of the reasons it's so hard to leave, because he's the only person I've ever opened up to, well at least 95%. I think that's also why he hasn't just left, because he feels I'm vulnerable and wants to protect me in a way.

 

[FarmerChick]

yea that is rough
he told ya he wants out but he wants to protect you
and you know that it is best to leave the marriage also but u are scared of change

you both are just putting ur lives on hold

ya gotta be strong and make the move

(but you mentioned something about the house payments or like that-----if u do this get that house sold and get ur equity out of it...don't be "just walking away" and leaving all ur credit etc in his hands. be adults and work out a fair split good thing u are friends to do the right split and go ur ways

best of luck to ya

 

[freemotion]

The best way to build confidence is to help someone less fortunate than yourself. Volunteer, or see a need and fill it. Get way out of your comfort zone in doing it.

You could do this from your parent's house, or where you are now.

I stayed single for 5-6 years after my divorce and spent the time working to become the kind of person who would be attractive to the kind of man I wanted to be with. It worked. Some things you only learn with time and experience.

 

[miss_thenorth]

Please excuse me if this sounds rash, --but why do you have to leave? If you;re afraid the house will be foreclosed on, and you do all the work around the place anyways, shouldn't he go? Also, why not try a legal separation first, and see how that goes? With the legal separation, he would be ordered to pay alimony or whatever, to make sure your living costs were taken care of. You could put the house up for sale, if the separation did infact turn into a divorce. If you controlled that aspect, then your credit would not be ruined.

My sister recently told me that she and her hubby of 22 years are divorcing. It's sad really. they have both been unhappy in the marriage for about 8 years, but it never seemed like a good time to divorce then, something with the kids always came up. they bascially coexisted in the same house for that long.

Take charge of the situation, it is after all, your life.