Dealing with MIL during FIL ALZ

[CrealCritter]

I'm having such a hard time dealing with my MIL because of my FIL advanced stages of alzheimer.

For years my FIL said he was going to have a huge red maple tree that is hanging over the house taken down, but he never done it. Last week I was out there and looked at this massive tree. I took my pocket knife out and started knocking on the truck. God Lord half of it is rotten. This is a huge tree mind you. So out of safety I called one of my friends who does this for a living. He came and looked at it and quoted me $450.00 to lay this beast on the ground. There is electrical service, house, storage building and driveway all surrounding this tree. My buddy will have to bring the bucket truck in order to take it down top to bottom.

$450.00 is like the deal of the century, so I told him come cut it. Well my MIL seemed to think $450.00 was way much. But why would she care because I'm the one paying to have it taken down. I said well if you think that's too much then by golly, go ahead and get another quote and we will wait. So she did and it was $2250.00. She like oh... I guess $450.00 is a great price after all but I do not want that tree taken down I until next year. I said to her, nope its coming down now, before it leafs out and because a wind catcher and falls on the house during one of wind storms we get around here. We live in the Midwest you know tornado alley and her house sits on top of a hill. Which I call windy hill because its always windy eveytime I go over there.

Her jaw hit the floor and she was not at all happy with me. I don't think she has ever had a man put her in her place and tell her no like I did. But I thought to myself, tough ****, that tree is an accident waiting to happen. But now I know why it didn't come down while my FIL was of sound mind, because my MIL told him no.

Then yesterday she calls me up in a panic... Said while giving my FIL a shower he about fell twice and she needs a walk in shower. I said yeah sure I can do that. So I went and measured and started figuring what it would take, which is a lot expense and time. Then I sent out a mass TXT to my sons for help next Saturday. I planed everything out, got help secured, figured out how to pay for it (along with the tree). Then she calls me and said she changed her mind and doesn't want the walk in shower, but she told me I need to come and prune her blackberry patch instead.

I'm so aggregated... It's my MIL and have to be nice. But It's like she just wants me to do all this stuff that isn't really nessessary but over looks the dangerous stuff like a 1/2 rotten tree falling on the house and slipping and falling in the tub.

I must confess I never quite understood the ways of how a woman thinks. But I best learn quick or she is going to drive me plum nutty. Any thoughts on how to deal with my MIL would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks

 

[NH Homesteader]

I'm sorry, that's kind of a nightmare. I couldn't believe the $450 price tag. That is the deal of a lifetime! Does she have help with him?visiting nurses or anything? Being a caregiver to someone with advanced Alzheimer's is hard on a young able person, I imagine she's really struggling. Unfortunately, so are you as you try to help her!

 

[CrealCritter]

I'm sorry, that's kind of a nightmare. I couldn't believe the $450 price tag. That is the deal of a lifetime! Does she have help with him?visiting nurses or anything? Being a caregiver to someone with advanced Alzheimer's is hard on a young able person, I imagine she's really struggling. Unfortunately, so are you as you try to help her!

Thanks Hun, yes she does have a nurse come in twice a week T & T and people to clean M, W & F. She also takes my FIL to adult day care (his job as she calls it) M, W, F.

She just called me again... Said when you come over today would you please change all the clocks (from daylight saving time)/they are driving me crazy. First I never said I was coming over today, I was over there yesterday getting measurements for the walk in shower. Couldn't she have mentioned the clocks to.me then? Or is it to much to ask... If the clocks are driving you crazy, change them yourself, its not rocket science.

While tying this she called me again, light bulb out - good grief Charlie Brown. I'm about ready to throw my cell phone in the creek she also said something has to change soon, because it's getting weird over there and she would talk to me about it when I come over. I'm taking my wife (her daughter) with me this time.

 

[wyoDreamer]

It will be smart to take your wife with, it is good to have a buffer sometimes. She can distract while you do what needs done. DH used to take me with when he went to help his mom. I would distract her with other things while he tried to fix what needed fixin'. On the way home, we would discuss who worked harder while we were there... lol!
Alztimers is a horrible thing.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

I hate to be the one to put this out here - so please forgive me if I'm totally off base...

I dealt with both of my parents having Alz mostly at the same time. My mother was pretty good at hiding her problems - until she couldn't anymore. Are you sure your mother-in-law is not having some issues herself? Good decision making is one of the first skills to go.

Like NHH mentioned - the stress of taking care of an Alz patient is enough to set off problems in someone who might be just hanging on by a thread herself.

Before you go to the time and expense of a walk in shower you might consider one of these. It mounts in/out of the tub. The patient sits down on it with the seat outside and only has to lift his feet up and slide into the tub. Split a cheap shower curtain around it and they are safe sitting down to shower without the danger of stepping over a tub wall.

Sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard, and likely going to get harder.

 

[CrealCritter]

Just got back from MIL's with my wife. Her panicky voice on the phone "something' has got to change" conversation was about how my MIL got woke up @ 3:30 this morning from the door alarm that I bought and installed late last summer. She found my FIL dressed in his camos, backpack stuffed with clothes and he was carrying two pairs of shoes. My mother in law asked him where are you going? He said: I don't know but I got a long ways to walk. Now if that ain't scary, I don't know what is. Thank God she woke up from the door alarm or we might have lost him.

Here lately he thinks the house that he owns is some kind of vacation home and the barn with all his stuff is not his but belongs to me.

I know exactly where he was going early this morning. He was going up north to where they used to live. To the happiest time of his life, when he was young and his kids were little. He's used to talk to me about that time and how happy he was before he got ALZ, he just wants to be happy again. What ALZ does to people is so sad, it makes me want to cry.

Any thoughts???

 

[CrealCritter]

I hate to be the one to put this out here - so please forgive me if I'm totally off base...

I dealt with both of my parents having Alz mostly at the same time. My mother was pretty good at hiding her problems - until she couldn't anymore. Are you sure your mother-in-law is not having some issues herself? Good decision making is one of the first skills to go.

Like NHH mentioned - the stress of taking care of an Alz patient is enough to set off problems in someone who might be just hanging on by a thread herself.

Before you go to the time and expense of a walk in shower you might consider one of these. It mounts in/out of the tub. The patient sits down on it with the seat outside and only has to lift his feet up and slide into the tub. Split a cheap shower curtain around it and they are safe sitting down to shower without the danger of stepping over a tub wall.

Sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard, and likely going to get harder.

You are so awesome - Thank YOU so much. We ordered this while I was just at my MILs. Not that exact version but one similar. Should be arriving Tuesday.

Upon pulling up at my in laws I seen tin flapping on the barn roof. What should have been a quick fix, turned into a real job because I couldn't find anything I was looking for in my FILs barn. Hammer, nails. latter nothing was where it used to be. My mother in law said he spent days out there last spring organizing. It wasn't organized at all. Nails in like 15 different locations and not by size and type either

When I was up on the roof, I literally thought I was going to fall through into the loft. After fastening the tin back down. I crawled up in the loft to find two rotten rafters. All my attention has been on the house and I hadn't paid much mind to the barn.

I had a nice conversation with my wife on the way home. With trying to keep our place going, plus her parents she is going to help me remember all the stuff that needs doing and do what she can also...

 

[frustratedearthmother]

What ALZ does to people is so sad, it makes me want to cry.

It will make you cry. A lot of us here will cry right along with you because we've been through it and we know the road you and your family are facing. Alzheimer's is a thief. It robs people of everything...their dignity, their memories, their abilities. It's relentless. There will be glimmers of sanity within the insanity. There will be a few good times within all the horror. There can be laughter among the tears. But, in the end, Alzheimer's wins.

The door alarm is a blessing and a curse. We had one for my parents... Umm.. background: My parents lost their home in Hurricane Harvey and lived with me until we found an assisted living facility for them. We had a door alarm and it went of multiple times a night. I don't think I slept a full night for months. This is what your MIL will face and it's exhausting. I'm glad she has help at other times. But, the night time is hell.

They are lucky to have you and your wife. Do they have any other children that can help?

 

[CrealCritter]

It will make you cry. A lot of us here will cry right along with you because we've been through it and we know the road you and your family are facing. Alzheimer's is a thief. It robs people of everything...their dignity, their memories, their abilities. It's relentless. There will be glimmers of sanity within the insanity. There will be a few good times within all the horror. There can be laughter among the tears. But, in the end, Alzheimer's wins.

The door alarm is a blessing and a curse. We had one for my parents... Umm.. background: My parents lost their home in Hurricane Harvey and lived with me until we found an assisted living facility for them. We had a door alarm and it went of multiple times a night. I don't think I slept a full night for months. This is what your MIL will face and it's exhausting. I'm glad she has help at other times. But, the night time is hell.

They are lucky to have you and your wife. Do they have any other children that can help?

No, my wife's old brother lives 350 miles away and her younger brother died. My boys help out some here and there though.

 

[CrealCritter]

It will make you cry. A lot of us here will cry right along with you because we've been through it and we know the road you and your family are facing. Alzheimer's is a thief. It robs people of everything...their dignity, their memories, their abilities. It's relentless. There will be glimmers of sanity within the insanity. There will be a few good times within all the horror. There can be laughter among the tears. But, in the end, Alzheimer's wins.

The door alarm is a blessing and a curse. We had one for my parents... Umm.. background: My parents lost their home in Hurricane Harvey and lived with me until we found an assisted living facility for them. We had a door alarm and it went of multiple times a night. I don't think I slept a full night for months. This is what your MIL will face and it's exhausting. I'm glad she has help at other times. But, the night time is hell.

They are lucky to have you and your wife. Do they have any other children that can help?

Thank you for your reply.