How do you make husbands grow up? (no offense to already grown up ones

[shareneh]

Cassandra,

I see that you are frustrated right now and you feel like you are being the only adult in the family. If your husband is being disrespectful by taking you for granted then you need to mention your feelings to him. Give him more responsibilities so you don't carry them all. When he falls flat on his butt then he will love you more and appreciate what you do.

In regards to the video games, I like to play games and sometimes a game will take up five hours of my day. I have to only play once or twice a week. It's relaxing and it gives a person something to look forward to. If he is playing games every single day then you need to ask him to find time when everyone else is asleep or gone. He is robbing family time for his fun.

It's like quilting or beading for me, which I do when I have an idea. He needs to understand that there are other things he can be doing and spending his money on but don't take it completely away from him. It's what he likes to do.

As far as goals and aspirations, he probably does have them but can't explain them. But then again he might be happy and content where he is at and that says a lot for you because you are his world.

 

[2dream]

I guess my first comment would be on the smoking. Maybe in his mind by sneaking around it keeps him from going back full force.
Maybe it does not make it right but.....if he needs that to keep from going back to a full time smoker let him have it. Eventually hopefully he will stop completely if that is what he wants to do.

My son did that for a while with his wife before he completely quit. She knew because she could smell it on him but she just pretended she did not. It took another year before he laid them down completely.

As for the games. I don't know. Maybe its just what he does. I do chickens, rabbits, housework, and the computer. DH does TV, motorcycle, and whatever. I do what I do because it is what I like and what makes me feel good. We are not on the same page with a lot of things even though we support each other completely in whatever. Maybe thats the important part. Does he support your endevors? If yes, maybe you could just accept his and go along.

Its really hard for us women sometimes. We want deep relationships. Most men are just happy if they have a roof over their head, a good woman, a hot meal and some guy time occasionally. Guys are not nearly as complicated as we try to make them. Us girls keep trying to inject our own thinking into a mans head. They do not think like us. And thats ok. Our brains seldom shut down, theirs can usually shut down when their head hits the pillow or a recliner. LOL

I agree on the talk to him. However, don't be upset if it does not take immediately. Sometimes we just have to plant the seed and let it grow.

Its been a long time since I have looked at the divorce stats but years ago there were numerous things written about marriage cycles and divorces. I remember reading there was a high divorce/seperation rates at 7-10 years, for people who worked through that it struck again at 15 years and then it leveled out and did not strike again until much later. Can't remember how many years but seems like it was way out there. Maybe you should do some research. You are probably just going through a normal cycle in the relationship.

Not sure if this makes any sense but hope so.

PS - Note I did not wish you patience. You get patience from trials and tribulations so you just get wishes of love and respect from me. Hang in there.

 

[FarmerChick]

Our brains seldom shut down, theirs can usually shut down when their head hits the pillow or a recliner. LOL


WOW thats is Tony to a T

LOL

 

[reinbeau]

For the most part we marry them when we're young, and the things that attract us to them can sometimes not be the best qualities as they age - and I'm sure they think the same thing about us. It's tough, sometimes, and for some things don't work out and you end up growing further and further apart (can you tell I'm speaking from experience?). You need to make sure you're not doing all the 'responsible' things in your marriage. He needs to feel needed, as though he's fulfilling a function you need. The mistake I made when I was married to my boys' father was I did it all, I'm a formidable woman, and it was easy for him to let me do it all. Which he did. The resentment built up to the point where he did me a favor and left - best thing that could have happened to me, but not necessarily the way things work for everyone. Other men step up to the plate and grow up. Talk to him and see where it leads.

 

[Beekissed]

And you've been doing this for ten years?

Heck, hon, you might as well keep on keepin' on, cause THAT ain't gonna change any time soon!

 

[Cassandra]

He BETTER be scared of me!!

What got me so riled up about the smoking was that the people he works with know he smokes and know he was keeping it from me which I find grossly disrespectful.

I asked him what if I start bringing boyfriends to work or family functions when he's not there and being like "don't tell my husband, heehee. He's be so mad!"

I'm not a militant non-smoker. I'd been married to him for years while he smoked. I guess mainly I don't like HIM treating me like his mother when I'm not there--someone who has to be tricked and deceived. That makes me angry and yes, he better be scared.

You all know that I have been thinking of quitting my job (which does nothing to improve our standard of living, anyway.) I've decided to quit early next year. I mentioned to my boss a few weeks ago that I would be leaving some time in the foreseeable future. He asked me to give him a few months. And I want to get them through tax time next year (or at least train someone else to do it.) So, I think in January, I'll put in like a six week notice or something--or negotiate a firm resignation date.

ANYWAY

I asked John what he wanted to do and he says, "What's wrong with what I'm doing now?" And I said, "I to know if you're cool with continuing to work and supporting me in my... ermmm.... gardening and uhhh... chicken stewardship stuff..." (I ended half jokingly.)

And he responds with, "Uh... Yeah. Why wouldn't I be. (Chicken stewardship?)"

I think he really doesn't care what we are doing as long as he has food and internets. :/

I guess I shouldn't complain. LOL

Cassandra

 

[FarmerChick]

And he responds with, "Uh... Yeah. Why wouldn't I be. (Chicken stewardship?)"


****OK---hmm..chicken stewardship....NO WONDER he didn't truly know to respond..HA HA HA...he doesn't know what that is...HA HA...I almost don't either..>LOL-LOL

funny

Cassandra.....you got more of an answer than I would have with Tony. I would have gotten a nod.....

You kinda sound like you are looking for a companion to discuss and chat about things in life you enjoy...you want his input and he ain't giving it. You want some "real conversation" and it isn't coming. I KNOW. I try to engage Tony in "my type" of conversations and he just doesn't roll with it the way I WANT him too.....I realize I can't change his spots...it is the way he chats. With little words..LOL

So I could talk for an hour about a project, say, what do you think, and get ''sounds good, do it"
UH, come on, more please..HA HA HA

If your hubby says he will support you and is fine with it, then move forward!!!!! You got your answer...LOL....you set yourself to quit work, do your SS thing and have fun. Let him to do this thing, the best part of it all is you meet in the middle and get along good.

Honestly without alot of Tony's input I have it made in the shade. I do what I want, he always supports me, we never fight, I know we are there for each other, and I don't have a pain in the butt husband in my face. Alot of women don't have the freedom I do in my marriage.

I don't know...just the way I feel about my life..HA HA HA

I want more conversation and input from him, hmm....but do I really..HA HA...sometimes this way suits me 99% of the time. When I want to chat SS, I come here..HA HA HA

well, you know what I am trying to say. If all is truly good between ya'll, sometimes it is enough.

but yea I hate playing the Mom role sometimes. I feel like I run the whole household, well, heck I do, Tony just goes along with me...which I think is best....LOL

yea and Tony is kinda scared of me too..HA HA...which in a way I wish I didn't have that type of situation, but still, I kinda like having the power!

 

[dacjohns]

You can't make us grow up. What you see is what you get (unless we're putting on our best behavior). Most of us won't change so if you think you are going to change us look for someone else (if you are looking).

We are incorrigible.

:/ Said without malice.

 

[Beekissed]

Or...just look within for your own happiness and stop depending on another to bring it to you by word or deed. Especially a man!

 

[homestead jenna]

Guuuurrrrrlllll, uh-hmmm.....

I'm right there with ya.... We had this "conversation" just a couple of nights ago - for the 3,952nd time. I so often feel that I'm the only adult in the house. That being said:

I divorced my first husband after years of saying "I have three kids - the oldest is [insert current age of husband here as I only had two kids]." And I soooo agree with FarmerChick's thoughts. 2dream also rocks with her comments on the non-complicated male and also her PS to you.

You can only manage your own behavior and your own happiness. I guess I've either resigned myself or maybe I'm getting wiser in my old age...but my "deep" conversations are for my women friends. We are social beings. Men (PC Disclaimer: For the most part) aren't equipped. If you think about more simple cultures...where the men have their role as dinner-killer and the women stay back and tend the fire, and the children...it's biologically appropriate that our men are the way they are. And really - do we WANT them to act like women? No.

Another thing you might think about...is his acting more like a child serving you? The couple dance usually serves both people...really. Maybe the universe is trying to tell YOU to play more....