How do you make husbands grow up? (no offense to already grown up ones

[MorelCabin]

Ahhh, I have the most wonderful husband on the planet, I really do...but is he interested in anything I want to do? Not at all. Does he ever really talk to me about US and our relationship...NOPE:>) I've learned over the years to just accept his love and all the good things about him and never mind the rest.
He doesn't play video games, but he plays with snowmachines instead, or boats, or whatever else can go fast and takes huge amounts of gas. He is never around in the evenings...he's always tinkering in the garage down the road. When he is home he is in front of the tv "relaxing"
They are all kids in thier own way...no they never seem to be capable of conversations that actually have meaning...I listen to mine go on and on about carberators and and spark plugs 24/7. I may be in the same room but I never hear a word he says...that's what I'm guilty of. I learned a long time ago that even if I did listen I wouldn't understand anyway. BUT the odd time that I am in the garage with him and he is stuck on a problem some of that jibberish comes flying out of my mouth and gives him the answer to the problem:>) Haha! That just floors him! And ME TOO!

Oh, and the way I see it...at least I know where he is...ALL THE TIME...and he's too busy for a mistress:>)

 

[TanksHill]

I have an 8 year old son. He is limited to games only on the weekend. Usually we have so much going on Sat and Sun that his time is reduced even more. For an 8 year old I just think there are SO many other things he could be doing. As for the DH, maybe he needs a hobby. Other than gaming.

My husband is far from perfect, he has a typical male agenda and attitude. I just have learned to live with it.

Butt.....

As for the smoking, I know it is hard. You don't want to rag him about it. Men are so stubborn they will rebel and go the opposite direction. But let me tell you. The risks that come with smoking have an effect on the entire family and forever. I could send you pictures of the rotten hole in my husbands mouth caused from the cancer eating away at his teeth, bone and gums. The smell from the cadaver skin graph to repair his mouth was horrid for months. He missed months of work due to recovering from surgery. Then there are the tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills the insurance company is refusing to pay. Oh, and how about the fact that he can't change jobs for the fear of new health insurance being denied. Not to mention the not qualifying for life ins.

I am sorry, I just don't like to mince words. I did not mean to vent on you. I feel for you and any other person in the world who has to deal with nicotine addiction.

Good luck.

 

[DrakeMaiden]

Cassandra -- I think it is the secrecy more than the smoking that is getting on your nerves. I think you are right to be upset about the secrecy. If I were you, I would deflate his sense of secrecy somehow. Maybe I'd ask him, "did you have a good smoke today?" Or maybe I'd buy him a pack for Christmas. But seriously, when a spouse does something in secrecy (and especially when his work buddies are in on it) that can really destroy your sense of being emotionally intimate with him. Tell him how it makes you feel, if you are up to it.

The gaming I just don't understand. No offense to anyone that does it, but to me (and my H -- we've discussed it) it seems like such a huge waste of time. What sort of games does he prefer? Maybe there is some theme there on what he would like to do in the real world. Most of us have grown up without having access to a lot of opportunities to do real things that maybe previous generations had. Perhaps he hasn't been exposed to his true passion in life yet? I don't know, these are just thoughts.

MorelCabin -- I totally relate to the man-gibberish. I think your story is really funny, about how you manage to say the right thing at the right time without understanding why. That would be female intuition at work. Never underestimate it!

 

[Cassandra]

I really wish he wouldn't smoke, but I know more than anyone that being nagged about something doesn't help you stop doing it. John's dad died of cancer when John was 10 years old. I am truly and deeply mortified by the possibility of being left alone with a young kid.

The sneaking around, though, makes me want to strangle him!

He plays rockband and he's a musician. I am pretty certain he's never given up his childhood dream of being a rock star. Well... rather, I should say, he has given it up, but he hasn't gotten over it.

I know you all know how it goes, he says, you don't ever want me to play and I say if you'd cut the grass and fix the sink and and cut the firewood (etc, etc, etc...) without me having to nag and remind you constantly, then I would CARE if you played! And that is the honest truth.

Cassandra

 

[FarmerChick]

you know it is funny cause my post is the opposite.

Tony doesn't play hardly anymore and neither do I anymore. We used to fish alot, ride my horse (when I had her still), go here and there, Tony would play golf, I would take the day and swim and relax and such....without time restraints. Then the farm went more into full swing and took my time away. Hmm....

The farm takes up every minute....work work work in my face cause I live on the farm...LOL

But when Tony isn't working his full time job, 4 --12 hr. days, then his 4 off are all geared at farm work.

I told him we must slow down and find some fun days...we try to squish in fun time but it gets old knowing there are X hrs. for fun, do it now, cause we have to do "farm stuff"..

Him having time to play and relax and stay less stressed might be a good thing ya know. Cause me and Tony live life on the edge of stress every day it seems....and I have to change that! ---working on it..HA HA

There might be alot said for having alot of fun in your life....seems cool to me.

I dont' know, just rambling..LOL

 

[DrakeMaiden]

So, Cassandra, does John play in a band, or what kind of musician type work does he do? If he doesn't play in a band, does he have friends that play music too that he might be interested in just playing around (jamming) or even having a more formal band. These are just thoughts . . . music has it's place, while it may not be the most "productive" work, it is in some ways an essential "service", ya know? It can keep the worker drones sane.

But as far as gaming goes, it sounds like he needs to see it more as a reward for finishing the not-so-fun chores than as a way to spend the majority of the day. Some of us are self-motivated that way and I think a lot are not. I am the sort that feels guilty if I haven't accomplished something with my day. I know that many would think that is nuts.

FarmerChick -- I soooo hear you. Hubby and I are the all-work, no-play types these days. Not that we haven't played our share in the past. We find it helpful to devote a day to not doing anything more than the essentials, when we eat nice meals and watch movies and stuff like that. We don't do it very often, maybe every 6 months or so. It is important to step out of your everyday role every once in a while, because there is ALWAYS something more to get done.

 

[Cassandra]

You can't make us grow up. What you see is what you get (unless we're putting on our best behavior). Most of us won't change so if you think you are going to change us look for someone else (if you are looking).

We are incorrigible.

:/ Said without malice.

I did not want this comment to go unremarked. I have often come back to it and read it again. I still don't have a witty retort. But I AM letting it sink in.

Cassandra

 

[miss_thenorth]

I'm with Dac on this one, men will change if THEY want to change--not b/c YOU want them to change. The sneaking isa hard one to get over--but you need to find out why he has been sneaking. Is he embarrassed that he gave into the addiction again, and didn't want to tell you, b/c he was planning on giving it up again?, --there are many reasons why he might sneak--even though it IS considered lying--addictions make ppl do wierd things and their minds justify their actions--even make them understandable to us.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

You can't make us grow up. What you see is what you get (unless we're putting on our best behavior). Most of us won't change so if you think you are going to change us look for someone else (if you are looking).

We are incorrigible.

:/ Said without malice.

Not all men are incorrigible. My DH is wonderful.

Cassandra, I would be upset with the sneaking behind the back to smoke, too. I am sorry I have no real advice to give you, but I hope you are able to work it all out.

 

[MorelCabin]

Cassandra...many times throughout my married life I start looking at all my husbands negative aspects and it really clouds over my whole view of him. Soon I can't see any of the great parts of him that I love so much...and the good parts of him far outweigh the bad:>)
Step back for a few minutes and write down all the great things about this guy...gosh he is willing to keep working so you can stay home and quit your job...that is a real good man you have there!
The smoking is something that HE is going to have to deal with himself...believe me when I tell you that he DOES feel badly about it...if he didn't he wouldn't be hiding it from you. He hid it from you perhaps because he didn't want to dissappoint you. From what I have read...this is a guy who truly does love you:>) Video games are just that...something that he enjoys...leave him to it. There are so many worse things he could be involved in...Just love him and grow with him and be the kind of wife that he wants to come home to...that he wants to please...and it will all come together.