Kids or No Kids? How did you know?

[Bimpnottin]

I'm going to throw in my own experience, which is what each of us is contributing...our own experiences, feelings, decisions, sometimes just as a means to share and at other times to influence, up to the person reading or questioning, how to use this information.

We got married in '98 at age 23. We needed our two years together to be "selfish" and learn who we were as a couple. We tried to get pregnant when we moved into our house, which ended up taking almost 2 years. We had our first daughter Dec '02. My husband was deployed to Iraq in 2004 for 18 months, so I pretty much told my husband that he wasn't touching me until he got back, because one by myself was enough. Our second daughter was our welcome present, and we had her 10 months after he got back. Our third daughter was a bit of a surprise, but a welcome one, 23 months after her sister . We thought we were done, but not doing anything to prevent future pregnancy. We got pregnant the end of 2009. Going in for our routine 20-week ultrasound turned into the beginning of the worst year of our life. We were shocked to find that I was carrying twins and immediately devastated to find out that neither had a heartbeat, so I had to be induced (worse than pitocin by about a million times) to deliver our stillborn twins at 20 weeks. My boys were only 6 1/2 inches long and only weighed 2.5 ounces. I have a picture holding them in the hospital with an entire hand only covering a third of my thumbnail. Those little hands left a permanent mark on our hearts. We were told it can take a year for my body to get back to normal. We've been praying to get pregnant again, because after having the boys, we realized that there is still room in our hearts and our lives for more kids. They would never be able to fill the space torn open in our hearts, but it opened us to the possibility of having more kids, and after a year of trying, we're hoping to give some more love.

So, in our case, becoming parents was the most important job that we could ever have. We thank God for our kids everyday, even as I mutter, "I love my children."

 

[dragonlaurel]

I hope you get the little one(s) you are hoping for.

 

[Avalon1984]

I always knew I didnt want to have kids. I always wanted to have a farm and horses and other animals and I still feel the same way today. It is too time consuming and a commitment I do not wish to take on. I feel that other people may have more time and energy o put up with kids. I am just happy once all my animals are fed and put away for the night and I can have Jenn-time. It may be selfish but I believe that people should do what they do best. I couldnt and wouldnt want to raise kids but I rock at raising livestock- so thats what I do. Plus, if one of my animals get out of line I can yell at it or sell it Cant do that with kids.

 

[dragonlaurel]

Avalon- As long as you know what works for you, that's good enough. I also didn't make them.

 

[runsw/scissors]

I read this thread and had to register just to chime in.

I always thought I didn't want children. I am the oldest of three and my mother is a narcissist as well as quite possibly a psychopath. No truly she is! My childhood was a hell to put it mildly. Not only do I not have patience I was terrified I'd do to my children what was done to me.

So when I accidently became pregnant at 27 I placed my daughter for adoption at birth. In fact I really gave her up before she was even born! Her real parents were there when she was born, and I have no regrets.

So, you can imagine my shock when I got pregnant at 37. My tubal had failed, I was taking a very toxic medication for my arthritis, and unbelievably there he was healthy and seemingly thriving in that sea of toxic goo that was me.

Except that just as I knew with my daughter adoption was the right decision then I knew this child was going to be mine. Both choices were just as correct. Don't ask how I knew I just did.

By 37 I was a lot calmer, I had healed a good deal of my past. I also grew up! Most importantly I grew up...

My son has been the light of my life. Because I have accepted the responsibility of raising him, I have also accepted the responsibility of doing it right. Just because you can have a child doesn't mean you should raise a child.

The thing about family planning is that hopefully people get to choose the best option for them, children or no. Because he is a lot of work (he's 4 now) and because I wanted him he is (mostly!) a joy; the task is easier.

 

[Farmfresh]

I read this thread and had to register just to chime in.

I always thought I didn't want children. I am the oldest of three and my mother is a narcissist as well as quite possibly a psychopath. No truly she is! My childhood was a hell to put it mildly.

Been there - done that. Sounds like our mother's could have been twins. I too made a conscious choice to break the cycle and raised my kids TOTALLY different that I was raised.

Glad you are joining us!

 

[Leta]

I enjoy children as a rule. I always wanted some.

I was a stepmom before becoming a mom, which was great. I learned a lot.

The first two years we were married were the happiest years of my life up to that point, and when I got pregnant with DD I was shocked to find myself panicked. I thought, oh, what have we done, this will ruin everything. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me- I who had always wanted children and married this man who is a great dad.

I hated being pregnant. Hated.It. It's like having the flu for ten months.

Then DD was born. Oh, my. Suddenly pregnancy was worth the payoff. We have DS now, too. I'd really like one more but am freaked out at the thought of being pregnant again- pregnancy and parenting at the same time kicked my ass. We still have time, though not a ton. Maybe I will end up with two girls and two boys, just like I always wanted.

 

[snapshot]

Very abusive childhood. Out of seven children, none of us have our own. I am a wonderful Schnauzer mom!

 

[rd200]

Just wanted to chime in here. You said you are 30 now. Which isnt old in normal standards, but in fertilty standards, thats getting pretty "old" already!! I wouldnt wait too much longer. I only say this probably because when i was 17 i got pregnant. Not planned, but i knew that i wanted children, and that my bfriend(now my Husband) was the one i was going to be with the rest of my life so i wasnt upset about it after the initial shock weared off. Well, 4 years later we tried for #2. It didnt work. Apparently @age 24 i had "old" eggs and they arent good enough to make a baby!! After a few years ttc and one IVF, we moved on. We brought home a wonderful baby boy via adoption. He's almost 11 months old now and such a blessing. I guess i just always Knew that i would have kids. I just wished that we were able to get settled before that happened. We moved to a small town because we coudlnt afford anything in the country when we were 19. Now at age 28, we are still trying to get enough money saved and our house sold in town to get to the country and start living how i want to live. I mostly want to do that FOR my 2 boys. I want to give them that country upbringing instilling work ethic and self sufficiency in them. My oldest is 10 years old and i feel like im running out of time. In 2 more years he wont care about raising animals, helping mom in the garden, etc.

Sorry im rambling now, im just saying, if you want kids, bio kids, start soon. If biological doenst matter so much, there is always adoption thru foster care of domestic infant adoption or international adoption. We didnt care if our child was genetically tied to us or looked like us, so for US, adoption was perfect. For some, its a big hurdle to get over that their children wont look like them. Often,some dont get over this hurdle and choose not to have kids at all. (which is certainly their choice)

Let me say that children ARE very stressful, irritating, completely dependant on you, and are annoying at times. I have NO patience. Sometimes i have to just walk away before i lose it. My 10 year old is going on 15 and i have days where i can hardly stand him honestly!!! BUT... He is also a funny, kind hearted, loving, entertaining boy. And the BEST big brother to his baby brother ever. Ive never seen such a huge bond between sibling before. its really amazing. God gives us all different blessings, he gave me my 2 kids and my husband. Im so thankful to him for that!! And just between us, I really really want just one more. Im looking into Donated embryos and hoping to find a wonderful donor whom is looking to donate their leftover embies. But DH says that he wants to wait until we move and settle down before starting to pursue another child Im bummed!!! But i hope he changes his mind, cuz im ready now!!!
Okay, im way off the subject now, SORRY!!! Good luck to you- Rach