Kids or No Kids? How did you know?

[me&thegals]

I quite literally just had a biological urge to procreate. I couldn't stop noticing kids, dreaming about having kids and wanting kids of our own. It took us nearly 2 years, but now we have 2 and cannot imagine ever going back.

Your life will neve be the same. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Parenting is not for the self absorbed, as kids will change your life dramatically. However, we both still have the hobbies and crafts we once had, just not as much time for them. We still have time as a couple, just not as much. We still have wonderful friends (and new ones due to kids), but we don't see them as often as we used to.

Children do NOT need to cost much money. This is totally shooting from the hip, so to speak, but I would be shocked if our kids cost us more than $2000/year each. Nearly all secondhand clothes, a lot of our own food, minimal costs for extras like 4H and band, a bit more substantial school fees and supplies, additional costs for occasional eating out and vacations. The first few years they definitely cost more with all the "special" stuff like high chairs, diapers, constantly outgrown clothes, carseats and cribs. These days, they are a great help around the house and farm and offset their upkeep, if you want to get all analytical.

Emotionally, I cannot imagine my life without them. Parenting is THE hardest, most frustrating, most stressful job I have ever done. But it is so, so rewarding. As I tell them all the time, good thing they're cute and make me laugh nearly every day

 

[DrakeMaiden]

I also felt the biological urge to have a kid and told my husband if we were going to have one that we should do it before I was 30, otherwise I didn't want kids, because of the increased chances of something going wrong. My husband on the other hand felt more interested in adopting if we decided we wanted a kid and really he never felt like he was in a comfortable place financially to take on the extra load. For a while I was sad because 1) I had all that nurturing energy (but I figured out really fast how to harness that in the garden and with our animals) and 2) he always had the potential for being a really great father.

So I got really absorbed in my garden and our poultry and stopped thinking about kids once I turned 30. Funny that when I was about in my mid-30's, some (little) one had plans of his own. It is taking some adjustment for me, having to rearrange all of my priorities and not always being able to keep the garden going or the house clean. It would have worked out better if we were still living on a city lot, rather than having land and animals to tend to. On the other hand, I'm really looking forward to having the extra help around and someone to show bugs, flowers, forested places to, who will get excited.

And I'm glad I won't look back on my life and wonder what having a kid would have been like.

 

[emilosevich]

I don't think children are for everyone, but I knew from a little girl I was going to be a mommy. I wasn' t always sure about the whole being married thing, but was absolute about the mom thing. I can forget parts of my wedding day and my feelings from it, but I never forget the way I felt when both my children were born. Especially my daughter. It really is life changing. I don't regret any of it at all and wouldn't trade it for the world. They teach you so many things in life. For anybody who thinks they know something a child will prove you wrong.

QA is right there are ways to cut the budget down. We have cut our budget drastically because of our kids. They don't get new clothes unless it's on sale at the store cheaper than what you can get it for at most yard sales. We don't cloth diaper, but it is a great option. My grandpa has told all of his kids and grandkids from the time that we were little, " If you wait until you can afford kids to have them, you'll just grow old waiting."

I would like to hear more mens points of view. DH and I talked about it before we got married, but we both came from 2 different extremes. His parents only had 2 and my parents had 6 adopted 3 more and still wanted more after that. I always knew I wasn't going to have that big of a family. Like parenting large families are not for everybody.

 

[rathbone]

Children are needy, demanding, self-absorbed creatures that will wring you dry. That said, I fall into the category of women who HAD TO ... make that HAS TO have children. I always noticed children and couldn't wait to have them. After having a few...I wanted more. A few years after each child, I want just one more. I had my last child at 41 and now with a few miscarriages under my belt, highly unlikely I will have another child...but I still want just one more. I say on a daily basis that raising children is probably the hardest and definitely the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
You asked how does one know? You don't always know. Only you can make that decision and you may or not know when the time is right - or if the time is ever right. But when in doubt...refrain. I'm sorry, I know you wanted a clear cut response but it seems like the most important decisions in life are always those sticky things that make you question yourself.
I will say just one more thing. If you don't enjoy children (or a specific child) at a certain stage - those stages change. Sometimes the most difficult child becomes the one that brings you the most joy and the one you will feel a crazy-strong bond with.
Good luck with your decision.

 

[Beekissed]

I'm the youngest of nine children and having babysat for older sib's kids since I was young, I wasn't too eager to have any of my own. Then I fell in lurve, got married and wanted to let nature take it's course. My mother was such an excellent and natural mother that it didn't intimidate me one iota to be expecting my own and I didn't have any qualms about being able to be a parent.

Then....I held him for the first time and in a flash my youth disappeared and I fell completely and totally into a different realm. I was a MOM. It was wonderful, mysterious and gratifying in the most unusual way. I never looked back from there and have enjoyed my children completely in every stage of their growth and they are my best friends to this day. I wouldn't have missed knowing them and the privilege of being their mother for anything in the world!!!

Has to be the best thing I've ever done or accomplished on this Earth....or ever will, for that matter. If for nothing else, I know it was for being a mother that I was created, lived and passed through this world.

 

[FarmerChick]

It never bothered me. Maybe a kid, maybe not.
Married or maybe not. I never put alot of value on these things.

Got married, hubby wanted a few, we tried 6 years...age 42 preggo, age 43 popped out a baby girl.

I am happy. I got a great kid. No baby problems, no kid problems. She just fits in easily. I have no kid hassles mainly. She doesn't wring me dry or anything else. She just goes with the flow. She never interrupts my routine and just fits into our life's routine. I am lucky cause my kid is smart, easy to deal with and pretty. So I win LOL I thank God everyday for the ease of this kiddo LOL

Tony's family and my family are great families. We have great Moms and our Dads are great as well. We all get along, are close and just go easily thru life. We have each others backs all the time. Did I sit back and plan a kid in my life? Not really. but I am glad I have someone for when I get older I can rely on. Because that is what we do in this family. We take care of each other. But I am sure happy she came into my life.

 

[hillfarm]

My husband is 40. He made a conscience decision not to have kids. I have three from previous marriage. He's wonderful with my kids. But, he definantly has moments of "alone time". He just sometimes has zero desire to interact with children. I think at first it offended me. But he was NEVEr rude about it. Kids never got insulted. He will usually do something with them, then afterwards he would just ask them to let him work for a while, he needed some alone time. Kids got accostomed to the idea that he was a fun intresting playmate, who was thoughtful and kind but then he would excuse himself.

Im probably doing a terrible job explaining this. But the point is he makes honest efforts to "dad". but its not all consuming like it is for me. He will do things for them if I ask, like pick them up or take them somewhere, but its my responsibility mostly. He is a step dad more than he is in his "alone time".

They have a bio father. So my hubby is like their playmate and my husband. He provides financially, he's a good husband and the kids adore him. It works, just not typical. I figure he gives what he can and we give him his space as needed.

He loves me. And by extension he loves my kids. My teen daughter grates his nerves (mine too ) but he thinks she is rather cool. My 8 year old he really likes, they share model car building, swimming, and sciencey things together. They have even been working together to weld a trailer. They were 4 and 9 when we met, so they have a good solid history. Its akward sometimes but it works.

He's helped me to not focus everything on the kids. Which is very good. I was a single mom with my oldest and I catered to everything she demanded. She's a brat for it and rather obnoxious.

We go on vacations alone, which was weird at first, but I realized my kids would be fine if mom and step dad got some rest time. We do plenty of things just for them. Trust me I dont go to Six Flags in July in Texas for me.

I guess I'd be curious to hear from step parents without bio kids. I'm greatful for my DH.

 

[SSDreamin]

I was told at age 17 I could never have children and resigned myself to that fact. I had baby-sat since I was 12 and helped take care of my younger brother & step brothers, but was too young to feel one way or the other about it. My BF at the time was very happy about my situation and immediately proposed (he was 20, from a family of 12 children and wanted none of his own).
Two years into our marriage what I thought was a bad case of the flu turned out to be a pregnancy. We were 'reassured' that I could never carry to term and I would lose it by the 5th month of gestation. Repeatedly, I was told to 'stop getting excited, this can NEVER happen'. At what was the Dr's best guess of 5 1/2 months, my DS did a flip in my stomach, and I just KNEW- I would get to meet him.
He was born, by c-section, to a completely unprepared (thanks Doc!) 20 year old- me. His 'father' was livid. The marriage didn't last. I have often said that I regretted the marriage (the man had issues), but would be forever grateful for what it produced. My son and I grew up together, which is not advisable. I made mistakes, I was selfish at times. Thankfully, my Dad and brother were there to be responsible when I wasn't. DS was so smart it was scary and had amazing talent- art teachers asked how many years of private lessons he had (none). Right through his teen years, we had a 70/30 relationship- 70% of the time, we had engaging conversations and thoroughly enjoyed each others company. He was insightful, sensitive, and had a strong sense of self. 30% of the time, we butted heads.
I remarried when DS was 13. It was tough at first- DS was used to having my undivided attention, and DH had never been married and had no children. We worked things out. They never became best friends, but DH was willing to do anything to help DS out and DS enjoyed learning to do guy things with DH.
Two years into this marriage, a specialist offered an experimental surgery if we wanted to try to have another child and, after countless miscarriages, we decided to give it a try. DH left the decision mainly up to me- he said he would be fine either way, but I had to decide if all the painful injections, surgery and high risk pregnancy was worth it to me, which I felt was very thoughtful on his part. DS #2 was born the week before DH's birthday, shortly after DS#1 turned 16.
When DS#2 was 3 1/2 years old, DS #1 was in a horrible automobile accident and did not survive his injuries. My youngest regressed- stopped talking, stopped being potty trained, stopped being the bubbly little boy who adored his older brother. Me? I shut down. It was a struggle just to feed, dress and clean my son every day. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake, but he wouldn't let me. I guess you could say he saved my life, by needing me. DH was having a rough time as well- he had enormous guilt feelings to overcome (the brakes failed on the car- a car my DH & DS had picked out together) and he felt he had to call home every day at lunch 'to see if I was still there'.
What is my point in all this? Well, other than a catharsis of sorts, I have to say that I don't regret the Dr being wrong. My boys have enriched my life in so many ways. I am still learning fascinating things as I homeschool my youngest. And just an aside- I let my youngest race cars. I know, people think I'm crazy, but it was his dream since he was 2, and I can't take his dream away to calm my own fears. Although DH tells him frequently that, if he makes his Mom cry, he's done
The moral of this story? Life is short. Live it. By your own rules. With an open heart. And don't let others make the decisions that will effect the rest of your life. The rest of your life could just be the rest of this day.

 

[me&thegals]

SSDreamin--I'm so horribly sorry for the loss of your son. It's hard to even imagine how a parent makes it through a loss like that.

 

[Denim Deb]