Kids or No Kids? How did you know?

[moolie]

I always wanted kids, 2 or 3 of them, but I was always terrified of the birth process. But I made it through that.

I also had the horrible morning sickness--7 months with my first, 5 months with my second. My kids are just over a year apart because of that, and I wouldn't change that for the world.

That said, having children is huge. It changes your entire life: your routines, your relationships (husband and others), your way of thinking, your budget, your plans for the future, even the way you talk (while your kids are young).

My girls are now 15 and 14 and I'm about to turn 40. I have had some incredible experiences with and because of my kids. But it's not always been easy, well maybe not ever.

I am fortunate that my girls are fairly model kids, for teenagers. They have their moments, but they are bright, get good marks, have good friends, are good friends with each other (other than the usual sibling issues and fights), generally behave well, and I'm really enjoying their progress toward adulthood--our ever evolving parent-child relationship keeps surprising me with moments of joy and pride.

Not everyone can, should, or wants to have kids--and that is totally ok. I'd far rather that people really think about it (even though there is really no way to truly prepare for kids) than just mess around and end up with unexpected or unwanted kids, or have kids out of some sense of duty or because it is "expected" when they don't want or don't think they want kids--no kid deserves that.

For those who want kids, and can't have them biologically, I am so very sorry because those people feel ready and circumstances intervene--and I always hope that adoption or other avenues are possible in those cases. Every child needs a loving parent, biological or otherwise. People raising adopted, foster, or step children get an extra big high five from me for stepping up and loving someone else's child to put in the time it takes to raise them up.

 

[curly_kate]

Interesting! I don't have any kids or stepkids. I have nieces and nephews that I enjoy, and I run an afterschool group with 4-8th grade girls, and am a teacher, so I spend a lot of time with kids. Maybe that's why I'm relieved to come home to DH & the animals. I don't really know. I just don't want kids of my own & DH feels the same way. We've discussed that if we change our minds, we would be happy fostering or adopting. Neither of us feel compelled to have our own biological kids.

 

[calendula]

IMO, if you have any doubts about having kids, I would not do it. I think if there's ever any regret later on, the child would be able to sense that.

As for how I knew I wanted or didn't want kids...Well, when I was young, I always swore I'd never have any kids. Then, I fell in love and things changed. I ended up having two beautiful sons with my now ex. Though the relationship with my sons' father didn't last, I have never regretted having kids. Honestly, it's a little disheartening to hear so many negative opinions about children. Kids can be challenging, of course! But I've never felt like most of my days were bad becuase of them. But, I don't know what it's like to raise step-kids, though my now husband does, but he loves our boys just like they're his own.

So many kids now have priorities of cell phones, video games, and tv and are just so plain whiny and rude to their parents! We try to teach our kids to show respect, appreciation, to be hard workers, and basically many of the values and skills that we discuss on this forum. To me, it feels like my way of contributing to society, and a way of preserving my beliefs even after I am dead and gone.

 

[Wannabefree]

Honestly, it's a little disheartening to hear so many negative opinions about children. Kids can be challenging, of course! But I've never felt like most of my days were bad becuase of them. But, I don't know what it's like to raise step-kids.

Are yours teens yet? Mine was a little wild indian for years, tomboy, hillarious, fun to do things with, loving, sweet, a bit crazy at times, stubborn, but manageable.... and then the hormones hit and have turned her into a complete moody unmanageable terror most days Being step isn't a bad thing until they start to challenge everything because you're NOT their parent. I taught mine respect too, she has just forgotten everything she has been taught over the last few years. Negative, yeah...but fact no less. Some kids go through this stage, and it is a royal pitb to say the least.

So many kids now have priorities of cell phones, video games, and tv and are just so plain whiny and rude to their parents!

You have negative opinions of children too just not your own for now, maybe you never will. Each child/situation is different. It is not meant to be negative or disheartening, but it is reality for some, maybe even most. Raising this one is making me old...FAST!

 

[miss_thenorth]

When hubby and I were dating, I never really though about it. But, it seemed a natural progression for us. Although my first pregnancy was unplanned. Even though my labour giving birth to him was horrific, After I held him in my arms I decided I wanted about 10 of them. I only got two, becasue hubby had a say in the matter.

I was just over at my neighbours the other day playing with their three yera old, and I said, I better stop, or I'll want to have another one.

I love kids in general and I love my kids. I have been a sahm since my kids were born, and IMO there is, at least for me, no greater thing in this world. I have said it before and I'll say it again, it is my God given responsibility to make sure my kids are raised to the best of my and their ability. You only get one chance to raise a kid, so my theory is I better not screw it up. They are my life, and I would gladly give my life for them. I have dedicated the last 15 years to raising my kids. They are 15 and 13 now, and everyone tells me how horrible the teen years are. Well, even though we are just starting them,We are having a blast. We haven't experienced the "stupid teenager phase" . I don't think we will, but if we do, we will cross that bridge.

My sil, one year younger than me (I'm 44), does not have kids. Her theory is--if they were important to her, she would have had them by now.

I would say, that if you are not feeling it, and if you are satisfied with stepkids, you have your answer. You don't need to have your own, for whatever reason. Because if you do have your own, they are a lifelong responsibility. A responsibility to raise them as best you can. There are sacrifices that will need to be made,but they do have their own rewards. You need to follow your heart. Only you and your husband can make this decision.

 

[big brown horse]

Having my own child made loving my stepson even easier. I didn't realize how much you could love something, then it spills over onto everyone around you...at least it did for me.

I had to be roped in on wanting my own though. I never pictured myself as a mother. Then OMG!! I never loved something so much in my whole life! I felt like I joined a private mommy club that I never knew existed.

It is hard work but it is worth it to me. My teen isn't that bad. A little more emotional than before. She just needs some extra patience is all. She is a great helper around here, I couldn't do this farm thing without her. I lubs my girl!

 

[Javamama]

This is probably going to sound awful, but since other moms are spilling their guts, I will too.
We just knew we wanted kids. I always wanted 4, but we stopped at 3. However. Pregnancy is the worst hing I have ever gone through and If I had known how badly a baby who never slept more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 3, and postpartum severely messed up hormones would affect me for years afterward, I might have reconsidered. My son is 12 and I am still messed up from him. I quickly found out that I hated nursing, hated having a constant demand on my body. I didn't last long with any of them.
(had to edit out some stuff I ranted about and then felt bad)...
I know I am done now. I just don't get the feeling anymore when I see babies.

 

[WhiteMountainsRanch]

I knew I didn't want kids since I was 12 years old. However now that I am 30 I *think* I want a lot of them and would love a big family, but I am scared to death of the birthing process and what it will do to my body. Boyfriend says he wants some someday too, but we aren't even married yet and I don't want any until we are moved and live in our own house. And then there's the money thing, how on earth do people afford them! So what I guess I am saying is I'm still not sure. :/

 

[moolie]

Not awful at all Java, we all have individual and real experiences with our kids. And big to you

Kids are no thornless bed of roses, they are people from start to finish and every single human relationship is totally different from another. Be sure you want them, because nothing can truly prepare you for the reality of having a child.

I know how fortunate I am that the positive has always (so far) outweighed the negative.

 

[moolie]

I lucked out on the birthing process in that both my girls came quick and easy (though not without pain and time spent healing). For me it was the long pregnancy that sucked.

And then there's the money thing, how on earth do people afford them!

You just do. You don't really need much extra for an infant, just clothing and diapers--and both are easily obtained second-hand for a song if you go with cloth diapers.

As they grow, they do eat more and need more, but the expense is not ridiculous if your expectations are not--kids don't have to be fashion plates.

An example: when my GIRLS were 5 and 6 I bought them each a fleece jacket from the BOY'S section at Sears because they were on an incredible mega sale. They wore those jackets for 3 years each (I always bought stuff too big but wearable). And my sister-in-law always commented on how "hip" my girls looked when they wore those jackets, I finally had to tell her they were from the boy's section and she was super impressed that I could see the potential and that my kids never minded where their clothes came from. Her kids are much younger than mine, and although she was always "Martha Stewart" when she was younger and dating my brother, she's become right sensible and shops for her own two kids (ages 6 and 3) at thrift stores and garage sales too!