Marriage questions

[i_am2bz]

If things have "flipped" suddenly, you may want to have him see a doctor. There could be a medical issue going on.

I wondered the same thing. :/

 

[hillfarm]

what kind of medical issue?

 

[Wannabefree]

Don't mean to scare you, but worst case scenario..brain tumor, best case hormone imbalance..er...low testosterone causing issues.

 

[Bubblingbrooks]

Don't mean to scare you, but worst case scenario..brain tumor, best case hormone imbalance..er...low testosterone causing issues.

And the best case is not hard to treat naturally.
Regardless, get to a meeting asap.

 

[FarmerChick]

he might have 'flipped' cause another woman is putting pressure on him from the other side.

you just never know.

You 2 have to talk point blank. To guess, to wonder, to sit back and DO nothing while this behavior is happening just doesn't cut it.

have the talk, tell him to tell you the truth and maybe you both can move forward. best of luck to you!

 

[tortoise]

Playing polite is the only thing you can do wrong. Playing polite makes you an enabling codependent.

I agree with seeing an MD and psychiatrist. Call it AODA, but maybe there is an adult-onset mental illness. Not all that uncommon. And self-medicating with alcohol is common for those with undiagnosed mental health issues.

 

[hillfarm]

thanks everyone. I plan on sitting down and talking. I am not good with conforntation. I tend to back down if he gets defensive. i hope its an issue of mid life and drinking. We can overcome the drinking and get threw the hormones.

cheating would really shock me. He's never given me a reason ever to feel he would cheat. He's a good man, he's hung the moon till recently. I did contact Alanon and i am looking for a meeting.

His mother suffered with brain anyurisms, eventually dying at 54 from one. I know drinking increases the risk of anyurisms as does family history. He also smokes cigars. occasionally. but I havent seen anything other than the mood swing to suggest a tumor. Hormones and stress and drinking are my first thoughts.

 

[SSDreamin]

Honey, you need to get out of this relationship as fast as you can. He sounds like a controlling, abusive spouse. They start out with small things (like re-organizing the kitchen without your input) and it gradually escalates. Blaming the booze for their actions is also common with abusers. When I read your post to my husband, he said "if he hasn't already got a girlfriend, he's looking for one." He's stopped trying to make this a relationship, and the longer you stick around, the meaner he's gonna get.

YOU are not a crappy spouse, but if this is your third failed marriage you may be caught in the Bastard Trap (a lot of women seem to fall in love with guys that don't make good husbands- something to do with our nurturing instincts). Dr. Tracy wrote a book that might help- it's called 'How to Make A Man Fall In Love With You'- yeah, I know it's a dumb title, but she helped me recognize and get out of the Bastard Trap, I think she can help you.

You deserve much better than this guy is dishing out. He is deliberately hurtful to you AND your children. You don't want this to be the male role model for your son, do you? You don't want your daughter to marry the same kind of jerk and get hurt too?

Couldn't agree more Britesea; with you AND your husband! Been there, lived through that myself too, although all situations are individual. When she said he suddenly refuses to let her do his laundry, bells went off for me. Can only give advice based on my own experience: Talking doesn't work, because it isn't his fault, it's the booze, or you (you need to lose weight, you wear the wrong clothes, you don't love me enough, and on, and on). Separate bank accounts also throws up a flag for me. I chose a route not mentioned here. I decided to investigate. I searched out paper trails- the easiest to find. Got up after he passed out and searched his truck for receipts and any other 'evidence'. Checked his phone records. Made sure there was laundry in the machine when he got home, so his had to sit, so I could check it (washed a lot of sheets, repeatedly ). I know how this sounds, but my intuition was buzzing and I had to have an answer. I got it, or should I say THEM. Once I had my answer, I quietly set things in MY favor. Vindictive people can and will try to leave you destitute; don't let that happen. Never assume you'll get such & such if you go your separate ways. I know plenty will think I was petty, deceptive and devious in what I did. I saw it as CYOA and that of my child. Just my opinion, of course.

 

[Holachicka]

Oh I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this! Being in an abusive relationship is not ok for you or your kids, and I'm so glad you are willing and able to say it's not ok. That being said, for something like this to develop so quickly and suddenly is confusing. But before you close the door I think you really do need to have that confrontation and conversation or else you will always wonder why and what happened.

Can I make a few suggestions for when the time comes to talk? I know it sounds redundant, but I really recomend talking to him about the talk before the talk. Saying something like: we need to talk about whats going on here, but I want to do this without yelling, or else we won't be able to communicate because we both shut down, I know sometimes you raise your voice when we talk, but I'll remind you if it starts happening to lower your voice.

Then during the talk, if he starts to raise his voice, a gentle reminder of please lower your voice might be able to help. I think you will really have to take charge of this conversation.

I am a yeller , My voice raises as I feel that I am not being understood or listened to... DH sometimes helps me to remember to lower my voice because I'm usually not aware of it...

Of course, please understand that I am not in your shoes, I don't know your family and what the conversations you have are like and I'm so sorry if I offended in any way, I just wanted to make some suggestions that might help.

 

[Sunny]

Im sorry of what your going through. But this is my view on it.

Ok.. I dont know how long you have been together. But from my experience... When a guy starts to not let you take care of them, example; not washing his clothes, not letting you cook for him. And other small things you may have always done for him that he now says, Dont worry about it, I'll get it.. Yup the not letting you wash his clothes ringed a bell with me also. Because that is the way my husband acts when he gets interested in another girl. Either just writing letters that shouldnt be between a married man and another woman. Or actually physically cheating. Yes every body, I know, why am I still here if he does this to me. Well I have no where to go and no money. I dont work, I have an injured knee that allows me to walk very little. Dont have the money for the surgery. Actually the doctors now say to much time may have passed and it may now be unfixable. I have no where to go to stay and no car to get there. I also have no friends or family near me. So Im stuck.

Another reason for a guy not wanting you to do their laundry. They may not want you to see in their wallet. Reciepts or phone numbers may be there that they dont want you to see. Or maybe a perfume thats not yours may be on their clotshes. Or other evidence. Another thing is; does he have a cell phone. Does he let you use it? Does he seem nervous if you use his cell phone. Is the cell phone locked? Does he answer it when your in the room or out? Staying up later than you is another sign. May be waiting till you go to bed to call the other.

And yes another sign of a possible other woman is the increase in drinking. Mine dont drink.. Or rather maybe one or two a month. When he starts feeling guilty, (but the quilt is not enough for him to stop the actions) He increases his drinking alot. Then he starts to get mean also when he starts drinking.

Does he use the internet alot, expecially when your not in the room or late? If so I would put a keylogger on your computer to investigate what he is doing. Yes I know this seems wrong. To me, after you have been betrayed enough, you want to know.

Im not saying he is cheating on you. But to me it is some signs of it being possible. Or he was unmarried for so many years that he misses just being able to move on to a new woman when ever he wants.

Im so sorry for what your going through.. Ive been there, the not knowing. That is why I bought a keylogger. And I discovered the truth and then confronted mine. Now he behaves.. Cause now I have proof, of two different times.

Ive also read many pshycology books. (sorry if I mispelled that wrong.) I do believe my husband is Bi-Polar, which would explain some of the mood swings. Like from happy one minute to being raving mad.. For no reason. It could explain some of mines actions. Ive been trying to convince him to go to a doctor, but we have no money too.