Marriage questions

[Sunny]

Honey, you need to get out of this relationship as fast as you can. He sounds like a controlling, abusive spouse. They start out with small things (like re-organizing the kitchen without your input) and it gradually escalates. Blaming the booze for their actions is also common with abusers. When I read your post to my husband, he said "if he hasn't already got a girlfriend, he's looking for one." He's stopped trying to make this a relationship, and the longer you stick around, the meaner he's gonna get.

YOU are not a crappy spouse, but if this is your third failed marriage you may be caught in the Bastard Trap (a lot of women seem to fall in love with guys that don't make good husbands- something to do with our nurturing instincts). Dr. Tracy wrote a book that might help- it's called 'How to Make A Man Fall In Love With You'- yeah, I know it's a dumb title, but she helped me recognize and get out of the Bastard Trap, I think she can help you.

You deserve much better than this guy is dishing out. He is deliberately hurtful to you AND your children. You don't want this to be the male role model for your son, do you? You don't want your daughter to marry the same kind of jerk and get hurt too?

Couldn't agree more Britesea; with you AND your husband! Been there, lived through that myself too, although all situations are individual. When she said he suddenly refuses to let her do his laundry, bells went off for me. Can only give advice based on my own experience: Talking doesn't work, because it isn't his fault, it's the booze, or you (you need to lose weight, you wear the wrong clothes, you don't love me enough, and on, and on). Separate bank accounts also throws up a flag for me. I chose a route not mentioned here. I decided to investigate. I searched out paper trails- the easiest to find. Got up after he passed out and searched his truck for receipts and any other 'evidence'. Checked his phone records. Made sure there was laundry in the machine when he got home, so his had to sit, so I could check it (washed a lot of sheets, repeatedly ). I know how this sounds, but my intuition was buzzing and I had to have an answer. I got it, or should I say THEM. Once I had my answer, I quietly set things in MY favor. Vindictive people can and will try to leave you destitute; don't let that happen. Never assume you'll get such & such if you go your separate ways. I know plenty will think I was petty, deceptive and devious in what I did. I saw it as CYOA and that of my child. Just my opinion, of course.

Yes I agree. Get as much paper proof as you can get. He may seem nice now, but if he is doing some thing bad. He may get even more angry and mad that he was found out. When a guy gets caught, they usually get very mad and defensive. And an angry man usually only tries revenge. Even the once very loving perfect man. This is from personal experience and observing other relationships.

 

[sunsaver]

I have no sympathy cheaters. Don't feel guilty for spying. You need the proof, to protect yourself in the event of a divorce. You need to know for sure what is going on so that you can deal with it or put a stop to it.

 

[Wifezilla]

I have no sympathy cheaters.

Same here. Can't stand your spouse anymore? Do the kind thing and dump them. Sure they will hate you for a bit, but at least the spouse can move on. Cheaters are useless cowards. They want the benefits of a committed relationship, the stability of a good homelife, but they take time, money and effort that should go to that relationship and spend it on someone else. All the while they make the spouse feel insecure, tell them they are paranoid, they are imagining things...carry on as usual and be quiet. Cheaters are despicable pieces of crap in my book.

 

[hoosier]

Don't think I can add anything to what has already been said.

 

[ChaneyLakegirl]

I wish so much I could just give you and your kids a hug. My thoughts will be with your family at this difficult time.

And, btw, you do deserve and are worthy of being loved. Don't ever tell yourself otherwise.

 

[pinkfox]

firstly: HUGE HUGS!

ive been in a miserable wandering eyes type relationship where things seemed wonderfull one day then the next all gone to hell...
and i put up with the gone to hell part for about 3 months before i finally said enough...
i realy DIDNT see the smal changes untill about a year after i got out of the realtionship...initially it realy did feel like it whent form 60 to 0 overnight...but now when i look back there were many little things here and there that indicated it was comming...i was just too close to the situation to truly see it.

i realized i had 2 options shut up and put up, continue living as a doormat, being the live in housekeeper/nanny and "friend with very rare benefits"...
being emotionaly cheated on and ignored (and even avoided)
i am bipolar and i found myself constantly depressed, triggered by feeling worthless...

my other option was to get the heck out and take care of myself...to put MY needs above anyone elses for once in my life.

id rather be single and happy
than miserable as a bed warmer.

i also whent through the same feelings of "whats wrong with ME"
and there is NOTHING wrong with you.
at most you are a big hearted person who sees the best in people who may already have existing issues...your probably a "fixer" you see the broken ones and want to help them, or your just stuck in a repeating cycle not realizing the same things that attracted you to jerk #3 is also what attracted you to numbers 1 and 2...

you do need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve more...

how you go about the rest is up to you...
but do NOT stay just because your afriad of confrontation
do NOT stay just because of the man he was
do NOT stay just because he used to treat you well
do NOT let him make you feel guilty.

i also agree...is THIS the role model you want for your son and your daughter...
i know your saying "daughter?" but there are links to the way a father treats their daughter and the men shes attratched to in the future...
girls raised by abusive men tend to grow up and end up with men who do the same because thats whats NORMAL to them.

 

[curly_kate]

 

[hillfarm]

well, we had a long, crying talk. He admits he is an alcoholic. Has asked me to help him find a meeting, he will go.
He also apologized a lot. He also made me realize I wasn't giving him much wiggle room and made him feel like he wasnt doing a good job with the kids.
I agree. I tended to over babysit him. He also wants therapy, he thinks he's depressed. i think he may be too.

We had alot of honest convo.

I also decided to concentrate on my career, and my self. I'm going to start running each morning, like I used to. Not for him but for my own self esteem.
Hubby also admitted to feeling fat and unattractive himself.

I appreciate everyone's input. Its good to have different viewpoints. I hope we are on a healing track. I feel much better today then I did before.

He is a good man, he's got problems like we all do. But he is willing to recognize them and work on them, even if I have to smack him in the head sometimes to realize.

I am holding out hope, now the rest is up to him. He also understands that i am too damn old to raise another husband. LOL.

 

[FarmerChick]

GOOD for you guys! stay strong!

 

[i_am2bz]

I'm glad that you talked. I hope he follows thru, & that you do take care of yourself. Let us know how it goes; we'll all have our fingers crossed.