Ohiofarmgirl'sAdventuresinTheGoodLand-where ya been? whatcha been doin

[ohiofarmgirl]

golly what an ordeal.

so our good neighbors called the other day and wanted to know if we could PLEASE let some folks they know come over and try milking our goats.

Me: huh?!!?!?
she: its on her bucket list - she wants to milk a goat
me: huh??!?!

normally i wouldnt let anyone on the property. and anyone who shows up needs kevlar and a tetanus shot. the good neighbor knows this.

she: please? she's good people
me: no kids
she: no problem! see you monday nite

so they came over. some nice ladies and a husband (with camera slung over his shoulder). i gave them the safety briefing - stay where i can see you, the electric fence is live, this isnt a petting zoo, watch where you walk, and stay away from the geese who are especially mean right now because of their babies.

me: ok?
them: ok!

we start the tour and they ooohed and aaaahed - especially at the turkeys and the little goslings. then we start toward the goats and pretty much it all falls apart.

me: (*holding up my red umbrella and leading the way* ) ok lets all stay together everyone, follow me!

i look back - the husband has walked away. (me, silently: oh geez) i keep trying to herd the ladies. at the last second i turn around and the husband has turned the corner and has walked......

....right into the goose house with OD and all the rest of the adults. they turn on him in a blind rage.

me: honey, get away from them geese, i'm not kidding
husband (running): eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk!
me, under my breath: that aint no kinda man.... then loudly: STAY WHERE I CAN SEE YOU!

my husband, snickering b/c thats a command i use for the dogs... hee hee hee

we arrive at the goats. a brief description of the milk stand and i go and get Debbie, the goat. i look back - one of the ladies is IN the milking stand. lots of pictures. they think its hilarious.

me, silently: for the love of pete.....

so i start calling Debbie, the goat. however one of the ladies is named Debbie so she starts running to me .......and just about falls in our drainage ditch.

me: no honey, the goat - her name is Debbie, remember we just talked about that??
lady: oh.
she goes back to join the group....and almost falls again
me: and watch where you walk!

The Big Man just shook his head

so i get Debbie, the goat who is generally a good sport. not today. its hot and someone had too much perfume on.

i try and explain the milking process, like i usually do: squeeze the water balloon... and play the piano like a scale
bucket list lady: OH! i'm a piano teacher

how bad could this be, right? HA!

it was a disaster. apparently a piano teacher cant move one finger at a time... in the direction that you may play a scale, first finger, middle, ring, pinky

bucket list lady: oh this is hard i thought you yanked her udder to milk her
me: no. they just do that on TV to make it interesting
bucket list lady: oh.

debbie the goat starts stomping. and then shying away toward the edge of the stand - her little goat neck still locked in the stanchion... the woman automatically grabs Debbie's leg -- which makes it worse.

me, firmly: no no dont touch her
lady: but she'll fall!
me: she's a goat she's sure footed, just let her be..
lady: no no...

...then a lot of things happened but i'm pretty sure i put that woman in a half nelson and wrestled her away from my goat.

my good neighbor has now joined The Big Man and is now shaking her head, mouthing "i'm sorry", and putting her hands over her face

me, twitching: ok lets try Vita our big saanan. Vita come on (usually she runs right down to me)

Vita: h*ll no.
me: VITA COME HERE
Vita: not on your life

....later....

Vita in the stand, ears flat, twitching. the husband taking pictures, big fun, good neighbor wishing she were dead.... piano lady still cant get it. Vita has had enough

me: ok we are done here
lady: but ....
me: no we are done here.... everyone lets move the conversation over here. (i lead them away so Vita can calm down, that that point she was panting and twitching)

The Big Man takes charge of Vita and gets her to eat.

one of the ladies: this was so much fun! do you do school tours!? we could bring some of the kids...
good neighbor: NO!
lady: but it would be such a treat for them! and it could be some of the GOOD kids
good neighbor: NO! they really arent kid people....
lady: but your kids are here...
good neighbor, twitching: they are farm kids and they know the animals...

from somewhere in the house the dogs start screaming their war cries, they have had enough of the trespassers and are ready for blood

one of the ladies: oh can we see your doggy woggies? i just wuv doggie woggies!!
(me considering for a second setting my hard workin' dogs on them....)
me: NO!

the group finally left. the goats will never be the same.. and we've renewed our vow that NO ONE gets to visit the farm. sheesh!

i've taken down our "Farm Tours R U" sign....

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

oh geez. that's why we don't like to give "tours".

It unnerves us when people come up and treat our place like a petting zoo, too.

Not a zoo, it's a lifestyle.

OD should have goosed him good!

 

[Henrietta23]

Oh my!
Wish your DH had a taken a picture or two as well!!

 

[BeccaOH]

I can just see it. The impromptu poultry tours I end up giving with the stupid questions are bad enough. Oh, man.

 

[Wifezilla]

 

[ohiofarmgirl]

one of them asked if we butcher our own animals...they nearly died when i said "yes - right there on that table"

me, walking off

them, hopping all around like the Ghosts of Poultry Past were trying to pull them into the grave....

me: stay together!

 

[kcsunshine]

You need to write a book. "What NOT to do when visiting a farm!" or better yet, "Keep your silly city hands off my goats"

 

[bibliophile birds]

good neighbor: NO! they really arent kid people....

i was just writing the other day about this same kinda thing. if you aren't a kid person, you should definitely appreciate this. some people just haven't got a clue when it comes to visiting a farm.

and some people ought to know better. we had a BYC picnic out here a few weekends ago. it was lovely until we went down to see the chickens and a certain someone's children ran straight into the yard and started chasing chickens and picking them up! Karen (kcsunshine) looked as appalled as i felt (they weren't Karen's kids, of course). i would have happily brought A CHICKEN out to be held, probably Gulliver the Orp roo, but i couldn't believe that chicken people would let their children just charge into an unknown flock and start picking birds up! they were seriously lucky that my birds are well behaved. i just didn't understand it at all. i mean, chicken people ought to know better, right?

 

[Farmfresh]

If it is ANY consolation... kids usually do better at stuff like this that the adults do!

We used to do the Girl Scout merit badge day at the riding stables were I used to give lessons. After all of the waivers were signed the parents were made to remain in the parking lot only while they dropped the kids off. It was usually very easy to keep the kids in the group and following directions. We had an office area with a big window in it that overlooked the arena and the threat that the second time I said something to you that was where you would remain the rest of the day seemed to work charmingly. For the basic badge the girls had to tour the barn, learn parts of the horse (worksheet), groom the horse, care for the horse, etc...

At the beginning of the tour I always started by telling them their hard work would be rewarded by a trip to "Magic Mountain" at the end ... but only if they earned it. During the course of the day they got to brush a million year old horse, and lead him, learned about safety equipment and saddles and how to saddle a horse, then they got to help feed and clean stalls! At the end of the day they were rewarded by getting to take their wheel barrows (full of poo) to the top of "Magic Mountain" which is what I called the manure pile! Most of the kids actually loved it!

 

[Javamama]

We had someone come and pick up a rabbit a couple weeks ago and before I could blink, her kids were running around in the chicken yard chasing the chickens and scaring the ducklings half outta their little minds. Didn't even ask first! Acted like they owned my yard. I was soooo irritated and these people will never be invited back. Not to mention that they arrived 4 hours after the proposed time slot Some people