R-Lawrence - my journal here

[R-Lawrence]

I'll look Abi up. Thanks.

The therapy scheduling isn't happening fast enough and I'm about at my wit's end. My kid blows up and says such hateful things and yes, when he finishes and goes off by himself, he later comes back and apologizes. Meanwhile, I'm getting more and more hurt, and tears flow more frequently.

We had an episode this morning, and I'm still crying. He wants me to kill him. Or kill himself like he's constantly threatening. His therapist is no help, instead giving him platitudes and generalities that my autistic kid takes literally.

Hubby is no help at all. He's lazy, stubborn, and basically never grew up himself. We've only been married a few years, and has no clue about being a stepparent. He's in therapy but only because I made him. I don't think he's talking about things that really need talking about. And he trolls the internet for porn and casual hookups (although I'm pretty sure he's never actually met anyone in person). Bio dad has never been in the picture.

I have no close friends I can talk with. No one that really understands. My sister kinda does but she's busy with our ailing mom, a cheating husband, and her own disabilities. Plus she has a 20 year old who already has 3 kids.

I want to live a self-sufficient life, not just because I have always wanted to, but because it's healthier for my Kid. But, I need him to get some therapy, and it's an hour drive.

My name isn't on the title of the house. We were going to quit-claim me on, but Hubby is a lazy SOB and never makes any appts so I have to do it. But now I'm thinking if we do, and I'm on the hook for this house, and I want to divorce him to save my sanity and my son, I can't make the payments on this house with just my disability money.

Do I get my name on the house and chance that things will work out? Or that when I divorce him, I'll be able to make the payments myself or with the help of a boarder? Or do I shut up, save up "egg money" and prepare to leave in a year or so? Can I even last another year of this?

I just don't know.

So tired. Literally. I don't sleep much. I do everything here on our little farmette, with no help except when I beg or pay someone. I'm disabled and can't do much physically, and my hands don't really work either.

Sorry for rambling but real-life people know me on facebook, and I really don't know who to turn to. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. Putting it out in the world. Knowing someone might glean from the little bits of info who I am and where to find me. But I need to put it out there if for no other reason than to try to work it through in my head.

Thanks for listening.

 

[abifae]

Brain cooties ARE genetic LOL. Sounds like he gets them from both parents. I'd get a new therapist for your kid if the one he has doesn't understand autism at all. Also, really good you have one for you. Parenting an autie is pretty tough. I don't know how my dad survived it LOL!!

Remember he is 14. That's raging psychotic hormones for all kids. When I was 14 I remember almost everyone seemed suicidal and violent. It is very likely to pass as he gets older and the hormones quit attacking him.

And also remember it isn't personal. I know that's a big load of balogna when you're a mom being yelled at by the kid, but it's still true.

 

[R-Lawrence]

Thanks Abi. Just read some of your journal on here, and learned about "brain cooties" and being an "autie"!

So, come to think about it, my kid's bio dad was a big old druggie so i guess it's possible that he could have caused some of this. And I had morning sickness for the first 5 months so lack of proper nutrition (even with prenatal vitamins) could have caused some of this.

Guess it really doesn't matter. Can't change the past.

I'm waiting for the slow-pokes with our insurance to get off the stick and start scheduling all the therapies he needs plus get him a therapist that actually has experience with kids like him.

And I'm gonna have to learn patience. When do the teenage psycho hormonal thoughts stop?

 

[savingdogs]

I would not work too hard getting the house in your name. Houses are darn hard to sell right now, not worth as much. Not worth stressing over. The nest egg idea sounds better to me. Never hurts to have money saved.

 

[abifae]

And I'm gonna have to learn patience. When do the teenage psycho hormonal thoughts stop?

No clue LOL. I was early 20s?

And then I finally actually hit physical puberty at 32 and it all started RIGHT back up.

 

[R-Lawrence]

Abi: 20's?!?!?! OMG ... that's a long time away!

Saving: I think you're right. I hate to move again, but maybe after a year of saving, I'll have enough to find somewhere in the country to live, with like-minded people, nearer to Denver so I can get him to his therapies without driving for an hour. And still have goats and chickens.

Assuming Hubby doesn't step up and make some changes.

Thanks for helping me work through this.

 

[abifae]

I'm a late bloomer

I don't know what normal people do.

 

[R-Lawrence]

Yeah, well, he's definitely not normal. And his hormones have been raging for about 2 years already.

 

[glenolam]

I'm just peeking in here and wanted to offer a

I can't quite help you (yet I hope!) but there are quite a few people here that will pick you up when you need it!

 

[R-Lawrence]

Thanks Glen. Starting to feel a little more positive. WRiting out a plan and gonna figure out a way to implement. Steps, and all that.

My Kid has calmed down and decided to be extra nice. He helped me move some chicks into their new home with no being-mean.

That's a start.