Sufficient Self's Bible Study Group

[Beekissed]

It makes wonderfully perfect sense! Great post! I guess that is why it's always called a "leap of faith"....you can't make a leap without letting go of something that may hold you back.

 

[Beekissed]

A song for Rebecca~

Van Morrison: If I Ever Needed Someone (Unplugged In The Studio)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iwJvGjI86gc

 

[Beekissed]

Thought you all would gain something from this post from another forum to which I belong:

My defining moment

It is not uncommon to have someone ask you, Tell me about yourself? In an ordinary, superficial conversation, the correct answer is usually a quick and positive one. Sometimes I reflect on who I am, who I was, and who I will become. The events in my life have definitely written on the slate of my identity. Some have been positive and changed me in ways that are wonderful. But not all key moments in life have added to a positive awareness of who I am. Some situations have profoundly altered who I think I am. These situations have added to my identity, and allowed me to become more self-aware.

Being a mother of four children has given me a mind set most mothers have. All around the world even in the animal species, mothers protect their young. A mother is always comforting and always strong when it comes to her children. In society it is a trait given to the label The Mother. I was the mother, strong, all-knowing, protective and levelheaded. Or so I thought.

It was the month of September and my fourth child, Kalen, was eight months old. I am a stay at home mother and have the notion that the house has to be cleaned before dad gets home from work. It was 4:00pm and the house was pristine; I had preformed my duties. It was play time while we waited for daddy. I pulled out three baby toys for Kalen and we sat on the living room floor. He played with his toys while I sat next to him. My two year old daughter was walking back and forth playing in the bedroom and then with Kalen. I paid no attention to her toys because as The Mother I knew everything we owned was safe for children. I was sitting behind Kalen on the floor so I could see everyone else. The sounds of playful laughter came from Kalen, assuring the perfect day. After a few giggly sounds, I heard this very unsettling cough or choke sound. I gave Kalen a pat on the back thinking it was spit up. Then words came out of my daughters mouth that scared me. Her exact words were, Baby choke on fishy. I gave another intense pat to his back. My heart began beating faster as the fear began to grip me. The sounds were not stopping and seemed to get louder.

Then came the visual to the sounds I was hearing. I picked Kalen up and saw his face. Gasping, gasping for air was his look. Mouth was wide open, cheeks indenting from the suction trying to take place. I did what I thought was the first step to help him, the mouth swipe. I took my finger and slid it in his mouth trying to feel for any object. There was nothing in his mouth and so I tried the next step. I flung him over like a rag doll and did three hard full handed hits, right in the middle of his back. I then turned his face to me again and it was worse. Thick white foam mixed with clear liquid was coming from his nose. His mouth was still open and cheeks still indented. Again I tried the hits on his back with greater force and nothing.

It dawned on me this was the real thing. I held him and grabbed the phone to call 911. I was so beside myself and scared out of my mind, I hit any numbers that were not 911. As soon as I heard someone who was not an operator, I threw down the phone. That was it, I panicked and ran screaming as loud as I could. My mind was telling me, get help - get help. I wanted to find anyone to help me and I did not care who it was. I was holding Kalen in my left arm like a sack of potatoes. My arms were weak and shaky; the only grip I could hold was curling my arm inward. I reached my neighbors door and banged as hard as my hand could. As he opened the door, I shoved Kalen at him and yelled, hes choking, help me. I could hear myself talking and my voice was broken and breathy. He tried one time to help him by hitting his back. I yelled at him harder, but he didnt want to hurt Kalen and told me so. He checked Kalens face to see if his soft pats had worked. I could see his body shaking and I could tell that he was physically scared. Ill call 911 he said as he handed Kalen back to me. I did not want him back and barely held my hands out for the exchange.
Once I had him back in my arms I could not look at his face, I was too scared. I could hear my neighbor answering questions about Kalens breathing. He tried to give instructions on doing a mouth swipe, but I had already done it. I tried that, over and over I said. I began to block out his voice, he wasnt helping me. Three more time I tried patting his back and then I turned him over.

My knees buckled and I kneeled on the concrete. His eyes fixed on mine, his entire nose mouth and neck was full of foaming saliva. I turned him back over and pounded his back over and over and over again. My last swing did not even make it to his back. I was giving up, shutting down and my arms did not want to move anymore. I murmured a sentence I never thought was in a mothers vocabulary, I cant, I cant, I cant. I rolled Kalen over and laid him on the hard, cold concrete. I stared at him, still gasping and foaming from his mouth. I just stared; no emotions or sounds came from me. I remember his eyes talked to me, they were asking for help, he was in pain. I just stared at him knowing I had failed and it was over...

Then reality came rushing in like an ammonia capsule to someone who has fainted. The sound of sirens flooded my ears, and a sense of help was near. I looked around and could not see an ambulance, but I knew their sound and it was for us. I picked Kalen up with arms that were stronger than before and ran down the asphalt driveway. The feeling of hot asphalt will never leave my mind- not because it was important, but because I had no shoes or socks on. My feet seemed to hit the ground with uneasy strength. It felt like I could fall at any time but I also could run forever.

Finally I could see them down the street. Most people would have stopped and flagged down the ambulance. I ran the entire block trying to reach them. The fire engine got to me first, and just like when my neighbor answered the door, the fireman also had Kalen flung at him. He ran Kalen back to the ambulance and they began to work on him. I stood and stared with my feet burning, I think I was welcoming the pain. It wasnt but two minutes when the driver said we have to leave NOW! They began to shut doors and get things ready when the mother of Kalen began to throw a fit. Youre not leaving me, youre not leaving me This was not just a statement, I meant it. I was in pajamas, no shoes, yelling and jumping up and down throwing a fit. The ambulance driver said okay and opened up the passenger door to the ambulance.

The Mother did not even think one second about the three other children in the house, she was out of it. Thankfully, a neighbor had already gone inside to watch the kids. The drive to the hospital was a big blur. I will never know why but I think somehow I was able to detach at that point. I was sitting in front and they were working in the back. If I did not see it then maybe it was not happening.

Then came the arrival to the hospital, or what I would call the grand finale. By the time I took a step out of the ambulance door, Kalen was already inside. I stumbled inside and looked around trying to see where I should go. There is always a time where you think things could not get any worse and then they do. My time was with the ambulance driver. While I was turning dazed and confused she found me and began to lead me to Kalen. I think she had a knife or sword, something that could pierce a heart. She said to me They are going to call a Chaplin out here to sit with you. I began to scream and yell NOOO, NOOO, you tell him to go back, I dont want a Chaplin. Then came the fit throwing again and the victims were the medicine cabinets. I hit them, trying to break the covers which were glass. The paramedic grabbed me and held down my arms so I could not hit anything anymore. She yelled in my ear that Kalen was a fighter and he was still fighting. I immediately stopped and wanted to see him.

The deal was if I was calm, I would be able to sit in the hallway on a chair and watch them work on him. I sat there with tears that flooded my face, snot that ran into my mouth- watching them fling Kalen around. They would flip him back and forth just like I did at the house. There was one difference though; Kalen must have lost conscience because there was no movement or control over his body. It took twenty minutes for the childrens hospital specialists to drive to the hospital. When they got there, the lead doctor asked me what happened and I told her. She asked me if I was sure it was a fishy. I told her I thought so but I didnt know for sure. With that in mind, they needed to put Kalen on life support to save his life. As the doctor began to bag him, she asked, are fishes colored? I stood up with the rest of the 15-20 doctors and became intrigued. No, theyre yellow. With that said, the doctor used forceps and out popped a 25cent bouncy ball. A rubber, round, bouncy ball was in the throat of my 8 month old son for over an hour. They were able to get him on the breathing machine and transfer him to the ICU at Childrens Hospital.

There I was in the hospital room sitting next to my lifeless baby. The only noise was the machines breathing for him. I was all alone in the room and change was waiting, ready to attack. My title was taken away and all of my crowns and sashes fell to the floor. The New Mother slowly emerged, broken, exposed, confused and quiet. I had nothing to say and even if I did it would be wrong. Everything I ever knew about strength dissipated. Every idea I had that a mother could take care of any problem, wrong. I was exposed to the world, they all saw me. Nurses, doctors, family, friends and even my husband could not understand how this could have happened.
The only good thing about being exposed is that you cant hide anymore. The real you has to come out, even if it isnt pretty. That day I lost one of the best things about being a mother. I lost the feeling mothers get when they are doing it right. It sounds a little like Im a good mommy.

I know I lost a lot that day and I am forever changed from it. I lost almost everything, but I didnt lose Kalen. I can feel the new mother emerging and I am accepting who she is. I am able to build up my crowns and sashes again, but this time with real winnings, not titles I didnt earn. I have accepted that I will never hold certain sashes like levelheaded or all-knowing. I am content with my cries sometimes or grumpy in the morning sashes. They seem to fit me just right. Part of my recovery has been the building up of truthful titles. Awareness is something I am now grateful to have. I am aware of who I am and who I am not. I know everyone saw who I truly was that day. But the only one who matters was me. I saw my own imperfections and my weaknesses. I was also able to see this naked, broken woman begin to dress herself with strength she never knew she had. I am recovering, I am learning, I am grateful and I am aware. I can tell you about myself now and what makes me, me.

God saved my baby
God is helping me through it
God loves all the mommies

jadas123

 

[Denim Deb]

How scary! But, what a valuable lesson for all of us.

 

[BarredBuff]

For some reason the Doxology is just all in my head

 

[rebecca100]

Thank you Bee and DD. Y'all are right. If you asked me a month or two ago about faith I would tell you about how He has taken care of us. Provided propane when I was out, provided money when I needed it like at the church when the pastor handed me $100 bill when I hadn't told anyone that I needed it(which I did-kinda the same situation I'm in now), and I would tell about a pair of shoes. Many other things too. But for some reason this last month and a half or so it seems like it's just building up. Satan has been wearing me down with stress and circumstances. Then when I pray I know in my mind Hes still there, but I don't feel it. Then Satan attacks full force in my mind. Before I had such joy now I'm just tired. Anyway I do know this is passing. I can't wait for my joy back. I feel there is a lesson somewhere in all this.....

 

[Denim Deb]

Read the book of Job. I know it's kind of hard, and can be kind of boring, but I'd say that Job probably felt the same way you're feeling right now. And, God blessed him for his faithfulness.

 

[Wannabefree]

Rebecca...abscence makes the heart grow fonder. Though He isn't actually absent, I have been struggling with the same feelings lately. I think it is an exercise in trust and faith building. I don't particularly enjoy it either, but He knows what our future is, and what we need when we need it so I keep hope that maybe tomorrow I'll feel the presence and joy again instead of the tired feelings and lonliness. Either way...I'm right there with ya. Hang in there! It can't last forever, right?!

 

[rebecca100]

The other morning I woke up happy!!!! As in really happy and rejoicing and praising! All the heaviness was gone along with the worry! Like He lifted it all off of me! My circumstances are the same, but I don't feel like I'm bearing them all alone anymore. I can't find the words to express the relief and the change! My joy is back!!!

 

[Beekissed]

LOVE it! There's such a big difference in being blissfully, gracefully poor than desperately and hopelessly poor, isn't there? The difference is Jesus Christ holding you in his hands, keeping you from touching rock bottom.

So glad you have your joy back, Rebecca!