Wannabefree...guess what I got in the mail today!?!?!?!?

[justusnak]

I hope you do get to parent these children. I think you will do a good job with them because you CARE.

I second that!!

 

[pinkfox]

i think being long winded is a requirment to be a teacher, ive never met a techer who was short sweet and too the point lol

i have many frineds who are teachers and in real life there very good conversationalists and know when to keep it quick, but they all admit in school situation...everyting gets a little "long" and not one of them can realy tell me why lol

 

[Wannabefree]

I appreciate the votes of confidence. I wish I were feeling so confident today. DD and I had words last night over the whole thing. She has suddenly decided she "hates kids" and doesn't want anything to do with any of it. :/ I know she is just trying to cope, but I don't appreciate the use of the word hate so often when speaking of the kids. I told her it's okay to not like it, it's okay to be apprehensive, but under no circumstnce is it okay to be hateful and mean. She completely come unglued I listened for a bit, explained caaaalmmmmmmly a few things, and then she turned into an absolutely beligerent monster and started crying? Every. single. tiny. detail. is about her, and how this is going to affect HER, and how this is HER house, and SHE hates living here now and SHE HATES kids. Blah blah blah...I know not so blah blah, and I should listen(and do), but dang it, I get sick of the beligerent crying tantrums with this kid. She is SO self centered, and to be expected with a teen, but....WOW, this one is drama to the extreme! I never would have had this kind of issue with DD19, and I am having a hard time coping with this one. After a while, I told her okay, I hear you, but we..WE have to at least give this a try, so stop being so negative before it even happens, you may actually LIKE these kids IF you give this a chance. To which she replied "I don't care I just hate them" I told her that was enough, and she started again, so I grounded her for a day because she just would not stop repeating her hatred for all things not going her way, and she wouldn't let the discussion come to a close after I tried to just end it and let it be. This was well over 2 hours of dialogue..condensed to the gist of it. THEN she had the audacity to blame me, saying I just wanted to talk to her to trap her into saying/doing something wrong so that I could ground her Yes, it is what I live for I'm totally busted :/

How do you deal with something like that?!?! I understand her concerns. I have several of my own. But really? utter hatred? complete and total negativity to the point of meltdown mode over changing a bed? complete and total meltdown over the tiniest of circumstances relating to this HUGE change?

The STUPIDEST part...she's okay with getting these children. She doesn't want to back out, she just doesn't want anything to change

I'm beginning to think we can't do this due to her unwillingness. I just want to find a rock to get under today. It's just depressing.

I don't understand why she has such issues with the little changes and not the big changes. It makes no sense. I know to a degree she is fighting for her own identity in this whirlwind of change, but she wants to run every little thing. She has always been beligerent when she doesn't get her way, but the latest episodes of tantrums and beligerence just tops them all. I am working my butt off to take all things into consideration for her and us, but I can't just turn the world upside down for her, I can't meet her expectations on this and halfway is not good enough for her. I am verrrrrrrrrry frustrated.

Someone please advise? I am calling her grandpa this afternoon and see what he thinks. He has dealt with her well before and she respects his opinions to a degree, though he is just another ignorant adult who wants to ruin her life

I have a uncharachteristically bad attitude today for some reason. I want to cry but I'm too mad! Somebody cry for me

 

[Wannabefree]

i think being long winded is a requirment to be a teacher, ive never met a techer who was short sweet and too the point lol

i have many frineds who are teachers and in real life there very good conversationalists and know when to keep it quick, but they all admit in school situation...everyting gets a little "long" and not one of them can realy tell me why lol

Subconcious sadistic desire to torture students by way of uncomfortable seats and wanting them to sit until their butt goes numb?

 

[pinkfox]

sounds about right

*HUGS*

first let me say im sorry you and dd are having a rough day!
secondly i want to tell you, Hate as a word doesnt hold even 1/8th of the power in a teenagers mind, she doesnt "hate" by any notion of the word, not in its truest sence, but right now its the word that holds power, gets a reaction and holds alot more meaning to you than it does to her, to her its just a word, one shes using to describe something shes not liking...i have high doubts she actually truly HATES anything or even at her age knows what HATE realy is...

that being said, you already know its teenager time lol, so i cant help you there, my sisters just starting to get over her "i hate everything" stage and shes 19 now lol...

but BREATHE, youll go through phases like this, and shes going to be testing boundries, trying to see if she can saw you, control the situation.

you listend, when shes calmed down and has time to reflect, though shell NEVER tell you this...she will remmeber that you stayed calm and actually listend and held this conversation with her rather than simply telling her to shut up and get over it..
you need to do what you feel is right and from everything youve said it sounds like you KNOW you need to take these kids in, you also know nothing about this wil be easy...but if you feel deep down that this is the right thing to do then its what you need to do plain and simple, you dont realy havemuch of a choice in matter in the grand scheme of things because if you feel this is the right thing to do then dont go through with it just because ouve got a tantrum teen...youll never forgive yourself.

shes afraid of changes, the changes these kids will bring not only to the house but to your personal dynamic...shes used to being the only child and while there may be butted heads, she enjoys being the only kid your attneiton goes to, the prospect of that changing realy scares her.

i would definatly see if theres some way to set asside some time each month to do something just you and her...something special that she enjoys that you 2 can do together...make it a date no fail, no "not this month hunny" doesnt have to be expensive or fancy, just something that the 2 of you can do together without the kids...
i know space is also going to be an issue, and im sure she snone too happy about the prospect of sharing a room...but mabe theres a way to give them seperate spaces, something as simple as a room divider or curtain can help, make sure she knows there will be ground rules that everyone must follow and something like "if the curtian is closed shes not to be bothered by the kids" so she knows she will still have some privicy and independance can be a life saver.

just some suggestions of things my mums mum did, they fostered kids, alot (i have over 18 aunts and uncles, only 4 of which are related by blood on my mothers side) and they had 3 small bedrooms (houses in the uk are tiny compared to here) through bunk beds and room dividing and curtains and "special time" there was always bumps, but everyone survivied and we have a relitivly functioning family for it all.

and most of all remember to take time for yourself...you know WHY your doing this...but sometimes its good to take a step back and remind yourself, that and take that step back to be able to just take a BIG BREATH.

 

[SSDreamin]

Absolutely agree with Pinkfox. I would guess she's afraid of losing 'me' time too. It's funny they make you take parenting classes, but give no options for kids in the home. Having a place, with other kids about to experience the same thing, would be helpful I'd think. Not just to sound off, but to listen to others who may have some of the same issues. Figure out how to cope, with kids their same age.

Hope things work out.

 

[Wannabefree]

Thanks folks I just took some "me" time and several deep breaths. I guess it just irritates me MORE the closer it gets to them actually coming here. I'm stressin I have SO much left to do, and NO cooperation here.

DH is just...well being DH. It is hard to live with a narcoleptic some days. Confrontation puts him to sleep, so he adamantly avoids it at all costs...leaving me the dirty jobs He and I have to talk. I think he is using that as a crutch at times, and I am tired. SHE IS his child, and he needs to help raise her and sort through this mess before I lose my calmness. I know if we don't discuss it, then it will just be made worse when we have FOUR children rather than one. I still have to adjust to that idea myself, but sheeesh I'm supporting everyone else's adjustments right now and I am exhausted.

 

[Windyhillfarms]

Okay time to take a break and reach into the inner b*tch inside yourself, plain and simple. My daughter is an only child and quite frankly, a spoiled rotten brat. She is very self-centered only because well she never had to be anything different. She flipped out when my bf's son was going to move into our house (which she had moved out of into her own apartment) but it didn't matter, she was like "well what if I want to come back, where will that leave ME???" After arguing for at least a week and her throwing her tantrum if went basically like this.

This is the way things are going to be. Your choices are 1) adjust, accept. Don't have to like, just deal with it or 2) Don't be here. It was that simple.

I would simply tell both your DH and DD this is the way it's going to be, period. DD, if you want to act like a 3 year old and throw tantrums, that is your choice; however, your choice comes with a price. See your room? Get in it and stay in it. Period, end of discussion. Then totally ignore her. Trust me, it's hard, it sucks and there's no two ways about it, but quite frankly, you are allowing that child to control your actions of adopting and helping somebody in need? I don't think so. As far as DH, honey, this is how it's going to be... she acts like this, you get to deal with it, plain and simple. And then stick to your guns.

I understand that people think they need to "talk" to their kids. But quite frankly, there are some things that are not open for discussion. Do you "discuss" why they can't touch a stove? No, you tell them, no! Plain and simple. You may explain why, but if they don't want to listen to the explanation I'm hoping the answer is still no to "mommy can I touch the stove?"

Same concept. This is not open for discussion. This is something you are doing and she just needs to learn to accept it. She isn't putting up a fight about adopting them, becuase trust me, she doesn't want that kind of guilt on her. Sooooo, instead of accepting that guilt, she's going to just make your life miserable and try and manipualte you into giving her what she wants (or thinks she wants). Don't let her do it.

Stay strong, stay tough and once she figures out she acts like a 3 year old she gets a time out, about a year will go by (only kidding but it may be a while for her to figure it out) she'll come around.

 

[BarredBuff]

Okay sounds like I may be useful here........

Having a teenage mind myself, I may be able to help decipher.

Okay I have one question when you first found out you may be able to get the kids. Did you and DH set down and talk about it with her?

 

[Wannabefree]

Yeah she knows it's not up for discussion per se, so she IS dragging her feet. I think she's half mule I do have to be careful with the little tyrant though. She has always been full of issues and drama. I probably would be for a while too if my mother left me and never looked back. The child having such issues is WHY I do talk to her and try to teach her to use reason rather than emotion. Now if she was my bio child, and didn't have those circumstances looming over her past...she'd be told hush and take it. But, as it stands, this is just the dynamic of our little messed up family I don't allow her to use her lack of relationship with her mother as a crutch, but I am very aware of how the abandonment affects her attitudes and reactions. She's just 14 and limited anyway by her age and naivity. She has only been an only child for a year or so, but her grandparents did spoil her to death trying to make up the difference of her mom not being here. It is SOOOOOO complicated!! Trying to raise her is like trying to untangle barbed wire naked, you WILL get a few scratches! I have just to figure out the beligerence. She is SO intolerable some days, and others...like this afternoon...she comes home sweet as can be like nothing ever happened. I must have pushed a right button somewhere last night, because she has obviously thought it over and decided it's not a fight she'll win this time and should just learn to accept the loss. And it's NOT even a BIG loss!! But it took an argument and grounding to get through to her. I really wish she'd just be more easy going sometimes and CALMER for cryin out loud. I LIKE that she disagrees, it shows her own maturity and that she is not just trying to make everyone else happy...which I went through with her older sister. There's another glitch that'll make ya pull hair out. So, I am glad she is the way she is and not afraid to stand up for herself, but daaaaaaaaaaaaaaang, I need to teach her how to do that without being so nasty! At least, that's the goal. She's gonna be the death of me.