Bee~ Journal of then...

[Beekissed]

Thank you, Frosting. I wish he had to go to the hospital but the man has been a vegan and an exercise junky for the past 15 years, resulting in amazing physical fitness for his age of 78 years. Dang it!

I think it will have to be done with the police, which I dearly hate to do but my brothers have no guts and will not stand up to this man who has dominated them all their lives.

It will be a sad thing and Mom will cry her eyes out and be like a little sick pup for a long while. But I've told her....this too shall pass. Every big change is hard and this one is about as hard as it gets, but its best for him and for her.

I wish I lived closer and could help her more but the sight of me just enrages the man. :/

 

[Farmfresh]

Beekissed, excuse me for posting here

Frosting
Will you please quit apologizing and just come on up on the porch like everyone else. You have good things to say and we all want to hear you.

 

[Farmfresh]

Bee
One of the things that I learned working at the Alternative School with the Behavior Disordered is ... document, document, DOCUMENT!

I bet when you were threatened with him driving down to kill you, you just let it go... didn't you? EACH and every time from now on that a threat is made to you or your mom you MUST file a police report. Even if nothing is actually done to make the threat good. Even if the police have nothing to act on. NO MATTER what! You also need to keep a special journal on the subject with dates and times. I know it would be dangerous for your mom to try to keep such a thing, but ideally she should too. Each little piece of the puzzle makes the whole picture. Eventually the body of evidence will be too great and something permanent can be done.

I know this is probably advice that will NOT fly, but your mom needs to go immediately to an abused woman's shelter preferably in the next state! This will document her fear and need for safety AND the shelters of this kind are USED to dealing with folks like your dad - with or without ALZ! Your dad has been abusive for years, but now is the time to stop it, before someone is hurt!

 

[big brown horse]

Bee
One of the things that I learned working at the Alternative School with the Behavior Disordered is ... document, document, DOCUMENT!

I bet when you were threatened with him driving down to kill you, you just let it go... didn't you? EACH and every time from now on that a threat is made to you or your mom you MUST file a police report. Even if nothing is actually done to make the threat good. Even if the police have nothing to act on. NO MATTER what! You also need to keep a special journal on the subject with dates and times. I know it would be dangerous for your mom to try to keep such a thing, but ideally she should too. Each little piece of the puzzle makes the whole picture. Eventually the body of evidence will be too great and something permanent can be done.

I know this is probably advice that will NOT fly, but your mom needs to go immediately to an abused woman's shelter preferably in the next state! This will document her fear and need for safety AND the shelters of this kind are USED to dealing with folks like your dad - with or without ALZ! Your dad has been abusive for years, but now is the time to stop it, before someone is hurt!

I TOTALLY AGREE!!! It is not too late to go back and write that stuff down in a journal.

 

[Blackbird]

Wow Bee, the more you talk about your dad, the more he sounds just like mine!

This is probably mean, but sometimes people just need to drop dead and let the rest of us live peacefully and not in fear.

 

[Beekissed]

Yep! I tried that with her once but she called him and he pulled his manipulative mind games on her and my brother called her and let her have it. Before it was all over SHE was the bad mom and wife who abandoned her husband for no reason and she went crying back to him within 2 days time. Took a 17 hour bus trip to get back there.

Needless to say, I was really not into helping her anymore and had to speak my mind. She was mad at me for a little while but has come to see the truth in my words. This time, it won't be her leaving.....it will be HIM leaving, with an escort, if we can manage it.

I'm going to do some serious calling and research and see what steps to take. She is his medical power of attorney, so she can call the shots about his going to a facility if they find him incapacitated. Which they will if they hold a mental health hearing.


Its just that first step, you know? That can't-be-taken-back first step of getting him where he needs to be whether he wants to go or not.

I also am going to speak to her frankly this weekend about seeing it through this time. No matter what happens, she cannot live in that house any longer with that man. Period. If she is not resolved to see it through this time, I am not getting involved. Its too heartbreaking for me and goes back to avoiding people and situations that make you feel bad....can't do it.

 

[Frosting]

Beekissed, excuse me for posting here

Frosting
Will you please quit apologizing and just come on up on the porch like everyone else. You have good things to say and we all want to hear you.

Not apologizing, just being polite. I was stepping into a conversations that I wasn't already involved in. I also say, Thank you, Bless you, etc.

Something I learned about journals you intend to use in conjunction with the law is write everything down as just plain facts. Do not add your opinion or point of view. Just document.

That first step is a big one and a hard one. Your mom will need lots of support and it sounds like she can count on you. Don't sell the ear short either. Sometimes, an ear to talk to is a really great help even if the mouth that goes with the ear has nothing to say that can help. Just her knowing you care can be of great value to reducing her stress.

 

[keljonma]

Bee, when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers we gave the car to my brother who lived out of state. We told dad the car needed work and since he was unable to do that anymore (he always worked on his own cars), we had no choice but to give it away. My dad never once thought about taking the car to a service place...he wouldn't have when he was healthy. So he was severely depressed about not having a car but we made sure he always had a ride to where ever he needed to go. There were 3 of us children still living not far from the parents, and we took turns living with them.

My dad was never a violent person (a screamer sometimes, but never violent) and the Alzheimers did not make him violent. My dad lived at home while he was sick. He actually helped care for my mom who was dying of pancreatic cancer at the time. He died peacefully 6 days after mom at home.

So I cannot advise about a violent situation. However, I will say I agree that your family should check what is available for elder care in your parent's area. Mom needs to get some relief, as being a full-time caregiver is mentally and physically exhausting - without the worry of violence.

My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[FarmerDenise]

Bee don't worry about boring us with the details. You too need to vent and share. Talking about this stuff, brings it out into the open. And you are right in keeping yourself protected, there is a limit to what you can do.
It is heartbreaking, when you see some one you care about continue to go back to an abusive relationship, even though they really have opportunities to get out of them. Unfortunatlely the abuser usually has got the mind game down so well and the abused is in such a rut, that they just can't help themselves, but go play into it.

It is probably just as well that you are so far away. You would probably feel that you should do more, if you lived closer. This way you have a good reason not to.
Good luck to you. And good wishes.

 

[Beekissed]

Thank you, Kel!

My dad has a brand new Toyota truck, so the whole getting it fixed won't work on him.

I wish I could be a part of the family meeting but no one would come if I were present. They blame me for Mom wanting their help with Dad and for her thinking something is wrong with him. They know there is something wrong with him, but since they don't ever go out and spend any time, they feel she is exaggerating his symptoms.

In other words, if they don't see it, it isn't really happening and they won't have to help. They promised her they would help manage him if she would only come home and continue to "take care of him". The unspoken words were....."so we don't have to."

My sis is going to give them the option of doing something real this time.....if they do not step up and save their mother and help their father, they don't have any say in what we do to insure this will happen. I'm in agreement with this.

Once they are out of the way, my sis and I are going to swoop down and see it through. I just hesitate to get myself in that mess if the people who hate me the most are all going to be there also. No good can come of that kind of confrontation....just harsh words and no constructive, problem solving discussion. I don't have time for that kind of stuff.