Denim Deb Hay, hay, hay. Thank the Lord!

[FarmerJamie]

Deb, I read stories like this and I don't know what to say, particularly from a man's perspective, but I'd like to share and offer support.

From your description, it sounds like you have many issues going on. There are folks out here with equally difficult situations - loved ones with severe depression, issues from their childhood, etc that can overwhelm us if we let it. Lot's of issues going on here, too, suffice it to say, and as a dad/husband, I have been doing more to keep the household running than any of my male roles models every had in their lives (you're the man of the house and you do laundry???).

With regards to chores, I have been the half the marriage who was "too demanding" of the kids and their repsonsibilities. The FIL (Mr. Perfect Dad according to the wife) who harshly critized his daughter this past summer because she was raising "lazy" kids. True to form, the wife just stopped talking to him for about a month. But once her temper cooled off, she at least is showing some movement on this, and things are getting a little better.

I gave up direct confrontation a few years ago, my approach is more subtle. There is a set day for laundry for the kids. You want your clothes washed, help sort and fold, or else it doesn't get washed. Oh, you're out of underwear, sorry, we washed that stuff yesterday - I can show you how to work the washer and dryer, let me know if you need help. I think I shared my "take care of the chickens" approach in another thread here.

If it helps, I can feel your pain - the wife has come close to leaving 2 or 3 times that I know of, never because I am a bad husband, it's that she didn't want the responsibility of being a wife and mother - like being a single mom makes it easier?

When we do have relationship chats, I try to remind her that life can be hard and needs dedication, life isn't an Oprah episode, where having good intentions is enough.

Keep praying, I know I will.

(this was longer than I intended, sorry)

 

[Wannabefree]

Deb..you just have to slow it down. My kids were spoiled to death and wouldn't help with chores either. Always bad mouthing me to their dad and randparents while I was trying to do the best job I could of raising them by myself, and they are both step kids. I finally had enough of being told how horrible a job I was doing and just quit "doing" for a while, eventually they took the hint. Just stop doing things for them. They can have a sandwich for Christmas dinner. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING. I know they are your children/husband and you love them but you have to uncomplicate your life. You have to MAKE time for you even when that means cutting out things for them. Wearing yourself down does nothing for you or them. You may not have time/money for a vacation, but you NEED to TAKE a break. They won't die if you don't cook dinner for them. They might wise up, but die they will not. The house doesn't have to be spotless either, just do what you can do. As far as not being able to make it on your own, maybe they each need to be reminded of that fact as well. If you can't make it on your own as hard as you work...they can't either. Toss some responsibility in their laps, so that they have no choice but to at the very least do for themselves for mealtime and laundry. Wash only your stuff, fix only your meal etc. etc. Let them rant, but don't budge. Sometimes activity has to be forced. If they get hungry and tired of wearing the same underware, they'll get off their butt eventually. I know that is not in keeping with the Proverbs 31 woman in your siggy, but it doesn't sound like they "stand up and call you blessed" either, and for all you do for them, and as blind as they are to your attempts to be THAT woman.....they are in dire need of a wake up call.

You are beautiful, intelligent, and strong as any woman could hope to be. You ARE the Proverbs 31 woman, you just need a Proverbs 31 family. They'll shape up, if you make it necessary for them to do so

God Bless you for all you do, and I PRAY that you have a VERY Merry Christmas, and a blessed New Year in spite of everything!

 

[framing fowl]

Deb, just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. I hope and pray that inspite of everything you have on your plate, the Joy of Christmas will fill your heart and soul and give you peace and calm in the midst of your storm. Hopefully even with everything crazy, you might have a quiet moment to listen to some Christmas Carols and have a quiet cuppa to yourself. Wishing you the Merriest Christmas!

 

[savingdogs]

I'll second that, FF....and Deb, I hope I didn't start us all ranting at you here, we love you and want you to have time to recover from things like not feeling well because you have ovarian cysts, and want someone else to be out there chopping wood to keep YOU warm.

I'm adding that to the prayer.....and that you feel better and are able to enjoy your holiday with a warm and loving group of family and friends around you, even it it is just us, your online friends. Hopefully your family will step up to the plate, too.

The approach I'd take with your daughter is this: Gosh, I'm so glad you are interested in good nutrition! I need to ask for your help....when you are ready to start cooking YOUR vegetarian meals, can you make extras for everyone while you are at it? That way you (Deb) can just make a side dish of something or throw a hamburger patty or something on the grill for your carnivores. Tell her you need some of your burden lifted. You are delighted that she can lift your load while studying nutrition and experimenting with recipes for her new diet, everyone can learn to eat more healthy if she truly does it right. Tell her and hubby you are concerned about her eating just preprepared foods, that you have learned that it can be a dangerous way to go vegetarian and could get her thrown in the hospital eventually (that is what HAPPENED to my friend who was ordered to eat a steak). Sometimes making things seem like a win-win gets you more of what you need. And the truth of the matter is that if your daughter becomes self sufficient, she does win.

No matter how it works out, Merry Christmas and we love you Deb!

 

[Farmfresh]

Have you checked out disability?

People have suggested that I check into it as well. If you were on SSI it would give you lots of options for life.

 

[Denim Deb]

Thought I'd post a bit just so y'all can see what I'm up against.

DD is 19 yo. She has no desire to cook food for herself. If there's nothing here that she can pop into the microwave, she'll get money from her father, and go buy something. I have a book I borrowed w/vegetarian recipes in it, but she's not in the least interested in going thru it w/me, or by herself.

DS is 25 yo. He's rarely here. About the only time that we see him is if he needs to get a shower and get clean clothes. I couldn't tell you when the last time was that he ate dinner at home. And, more often than not, he sleeps at a friend's house.

Both kids do their own laundry. I refused to go into their room and sort thru all the clothes on their floor, and I also refused to wash something that they HAD to have, but neglected to put in the dirty clothes. They've also been known to buy new clothes if they don't have anything clean and are too lazy to do their laundry.

If my family runs out of clean dishes, they'll use paper plates and plastic utensils instead of washing the dirty stuff. And if there's no pots and/or pans clean, they'll go and buy something, or heat something up in the microwave.

If the trash can is full, they will not empty it. They'll push trash down, and once that no longer works, they'll put it on the floor next to the can. Yesterday, the trash can was full. I took the bag out, and stuck it on the front porch directly in front of the door. In order to leave, you had to step over the bag or move it. Both my husband and daughter chose to step over it. I left it there when I went to work. When I got home, it was still on the front porch, but had been moved to the side. Since I didn't want it torn up by animals, I put it in the trash container.

If it's cold in the house because of no fire, my kids will leave, and my husband will turn on a space heater.

They have all been known to complain about the mess, but when I try to get them to help, they always have something else that they have to do, or someplace else to go. Or, they don't feel good. While I don't know about the kids, I think my husband may actually be starting to feel a bit guilty. Today, I had to clean part of the kitchen just so I could make dinner. It was either that, or set up the ironing board to put food on. I also had to fix a fence at the farm, and did firewood. Dinner was a turkey, stuffing, giblet gravy, mashed potatoes, asparagus, creamed corn and apple crisp for dessert. Tomorrow, we're supposed to get snow. And, as much as I try to take it easy on Sunday, I'm probably going to have to do some wood. My husband has actually said (w/out me saying anything to him) that he's planning on cutting up a bunch. But then again, he's said that b4.

But other than not being able to take it easy, today was a pretty good day. And I think the family may have finally realized something. They do not need to spend a fortune, nor buy me something big. Other than the solar panels that I got, most of my presents were small and inexpensive. I got a couple rolls of vet wrap, a bottle of mane and tail detangler, a new lead rope, a really cool tool for in the garden, some gloves, etc. And, I got excited over the stuff. No, it wasn't expensive. But, it's stuff I can use. That meant more to me than if they had gone out and bought me an expensive piece of jewelry that I'd have no use for.

 

[BarredBuff]

 

[murphysranch]

Deb: you are welcome to move out here! I too was a biology major in college ( I remember you saying that some time ago) and altho I adored horses all my life, I've never owned one. You could teach me! We could be friends, we could support each other. I'd invite FarmerDenise too!

I have a very ungrateful DD. In fact, she and her family are driving down to San Jose from Washington to spend the week visiting friends and her dad. But there is no room in her schedule to see me, even tho I only live 2.5 hours from San Jose. I had to ask her how the kids liked their presents and she said "they did". Asked her how she liked her enameled chop sticks and she said that there was so much, she didn't remember seeing them. She's only 24, and I adore my granddaughter who is almost 5, yet there is no consideration for me. Sound familiar?

We can get thru this together, sweetie! Thats what your friends here at SS are for!

 

[Denim Deb]

Deb: you are welcome to move out here! I too was a biology major in college ( I remember you saying that some time ago) and altho I adored horses all my life, I've never owned one. You could teach me! We could be friends, we could support each other. I'd invite FarmerDenise too!

I have a very ungrateful DD. In fact, she and her family are driving down to San Jose from Washington to spend the week visiting friends and her dad. But there is no room in her schedule to see me, even tho I only live 2.5 hours from San Jose. I had to ask her how the kids liked their presents and she said "they did". Asked her how she liked her enameled chop sticks and she said that there was so much, she didn't remember seeing them. She's only 24, and I adore my granddaughter who is almost 5, yet there is no consideration for me. Sound familiar?

We can get thru this together, sweetie! Thats what your friends here at SS are for!

If you lived closer, I'd be more than happy to teach you about horses. I can't remember a time when I wasn't horse crazy. My parents never indulged my love-they thought it was a phase I'd outgrow. They've now admitted that it wasn't.

Today, I get to relax for the most part. They were calling for snow showers and flurries. Then they started to call for light snow in the morning w/heavier snow arriving in the afternoon. Then they changed it to up to a foot, and in places closer to the shore even more! So this morning, as soon as it was light enough, I went to the farm. I got all of the horses fed. I got a smaller black rubber bowl for the chickens for their water. (Love those for water in the winter, I can just turn them over, push on them and the ice pops out.) I put that and the food bowl in their house. Then I gave the roosters some water. KN won't be out to the farm probably all week. She managed to finally find a job driving a school bus. Her bus is a short one and she's allowed to take it home. The farm is between the school and her house, and they don't care if she stops at the farm. But, w/no school this week, she won't be out. The water bowl that I had in w/my chickens I took and stuck in w/her and RU's chickens. I put a bucket of water out for 3 minis that RU has over there-their water trough is solid ice. We couldn't keep it ice free w/as cold as it's been. Then I went home. I gave the goats, the bunnies and the chickens water. I put straw in everyone's house, went in, got a shower and went to church. Once church was done I ran to the feed store, got 2 bags of horse feed, went to the farm, dumped it in the container, fed Stormy, checked everybody's water and came home. I just barely made it. The snow started earlier than they said, and heavier.

My DH had actually cut up some wood. But, I was freezing and figured there's enough wood for tonight and into tomorrow at the very least. Tomorrow, I'll have to uncover the wood and split it. The ground is completely covered, and I'm glad to be inside where it's warm. I'm not cooking. We have plenty of left overs, so why should I?

 

[Wannabefree]

Glad DH is at least trying now! It may not happen overnight, but hope it happens over time. You really do have too much on you Those young folks...well, sometimes they aren't too bright, but they can still learn. At their ages, I'd tell them if they want free room service and a place to crash, here's the phone book...book a hotel in the area. Otherwise, they'd have a chore list. DD19 still had a chore list AFTER she got married and they were living in the driveway in our travel trailer. You better believe she did them too, else they would have been finding a new place. I am glad things are looking up for you, even if it is just a little bit. Every little bit counts