foster parenting

[me&thegals]

Thanks, bee The thing is, I don't need to be a perfect mom for my kids. My kids have had stability, love, tenderness, fun, discipline and every single thing they need since they were in utero.

Foster children, probably not.

My kids know when they've pushed too far and I yell, that I will still be loving them after we all cool down. They know they are safe, nurtured and loved.

However, a foster child has had nothing but trauma and loss. They may not understand at all that crabby mom is just having a bad day and will be cheery again after a good night sleep. It just seems like ANY upset in the house could be very frightening for a foster child.

I don't know, just talking out loud here and interested to hear what anybody has to say.

 

[PamsPride]

Children do much better with boundaries and consistency! Which is something they probably did not have much of before. Kids thrive when there is routine....with a little bit of spontanity! I am certain you would never lose your cool to the point of being abusive or you would not want to be doing this!
You will be just fine and kids like to know that you are real too! If they never see you get frustrated they will never learn how to cope with those emotions themselves when they have them. All they know is how their bio parents reacted and obviously they did not handle things well or give the children coping mechanisms or the kiddos would not be in foster care!
Just by the fact that you care about how you will react when put under pressure shows that you are going to make a great foster parent!

 

[Beekissed]

I know what you mean. I had a foster teen over to stay at my house with my boys and the boys got into a verbal argument. I could see that boy's face....like he was scared. I stopped it right away and later he came over and sat next to me....dropped his head on my shoulder and sat like that for a long time. Nearly broke my heart! I wanted so badly for him to come and live with us but they sent him back home to live and they moved away.

 

[me&thegals]

Thanks, Pam

I think what has me skittish is getting a much better view of things from the child's perspective. Some of these kids literally die inside from person after person letting them down. I don't think it's so much that I think we will let them down, just an intense sense of the responsibility it is. It is NOT babysitting for a few months. It is modeling appropriate family relationships, supervising, guiding, nurturing, loving, teaching. Yikes!

 

[Big Daddy]

We fostered for 12 years. You just raise them like you do your own. We've been to parenting classes till we were numb and read tons of literature on it. Everybody has a different opinion on it. Remember not all of these kids are broken. Some actually have good parents at home. They just got into some issue that brought social services in to the picture. Other kids are in bad shape. All you can do is provide stability and a strict schedule. They have foster parent associations where you go to meetings with other foster parents. These usually just turn in to gripe sessions. You are after all an employee providing a service. Some of these people are pretty hard core. They run boot camps instead of foster homes but some of the teenage foster kids need that. Overall it's a good experience. As far as your own kids go. They will actually become friends with some of the foster kids. Be sure your kids aren't too put out. Don't move the foster kid into their room and stuff. If your child has a special place they always sit don't force them to share it. Your kids have to be reassured of their place. A lot of these kids have been sexually abused so keep an eye out that they don't act out on you or your spouse, or your kids. Ask about the subtle things they do that you should watch out for. We stuck to under 3 because we had a 5yr old and an 8 yr old when we started. We were not willing to possibly compromise their safety.

Enjoy your experience. These kids need help.

 

[me&thegals]

Yes, BD, you bring up a good point about where some of these kids are coming from. I definitely have to work on my attitutude toward the birth family. That will be covered extensively next Saturday. Our first exercise in the first class was to pass around pictures of our kids. Then, the instructor singled out my daughter's photo and said, "I'm taking your daugther away from you. Which one of these people do you want to have her?" I literally had a panicked sensation in me. It was my first clue on what a birth parent would feel like and my first sense of empathy for the birth families.

 

[miss_thenorth]

Me&, keep your chin up!!!!! Don't stress too much about it. You are where you are b/c of your heart. You'll be fine. I wish my classes started at the sme time as yours, then we could support each other. But mine don't start until the fall.

 

[me&thegals]

MisstheNorth--It will be really neat to have you in your classes, too! I've heard that the classes are supposed to scare the crud out of you. I imagine it would help separate out those who are really not quite committed yet. Anyway, if that's the point, it's working!!

For everybody: Good books for foster parenting? I am reading A Child's Journey Through Placement, Vera Fahlberg, about bonding and attachment. VERY interesting.

Once we become a foster family, we are welcome to attend the monthly support group meetings, half support group, half ongoing education. I think that will be incredibly helpful. What better way to get help than from other people doing it?

 

[Firefyter-Emt]

Well, Me&theGals wanted me to drop in to this thread for my input as well.

My wife and I are in the Foster process now and working on the last bit before placement's....

Wonderful heartwarming stories told (Yes, I read all six pages) and for now, I have this input to add. There seems to be a lot of the "I am not sure if I can be a super Mom or not and worry if it can be handled. From my side, I was the husband whit my wife wanting to foster, in fact I was against it for a while. We have four children, and our home is not all that big. Sure, it's in a rural Connecticut setting with a nice yard and all, but small. Plus, what do "I" have to offer, not a room to themselves, or one on one devotion... but what turned me around was my wife giving me the simple statement.... "These children have been in homes with neglect, abuse, hunger, and maybe no love. And YOU think that you don't have anything to give??!! Some of these children would think they died and went to heaven to be able to just eat every day, or have a choice of clothes and some one who cares for them."

So, that hit home like a lightning bolt, we do have a lot to offer even in a smaller home full of children already. Here in CT it's a bit diffrent than other states as there is much more hands on with the bio-parents and helping them too. We are not looking to adopt at this time, but it's not a set in stone no. We will just see what life brings us.

More later, I am on the road and parked on the side of the street to type this out and need to get back to work now! Gotta love the modern computer age!

 

[me&thegals]

Thanks, firefyter-EMT! That's what keeps me in this process, too. Remembering that we don't need to be perfect, that anything we can offer will be something of value.

My husband was against it at first, too, and that's the same argument I used with him Now I just need to remember it for myself!

Hey, with a screen name like yours, I am assuming you are set to handle any physical emergency that could possibly happen in your home!

missthenorth--If you are reading this, I would love to hear where you are at in the whole process these days.