foster parenting

[miss_thenorth]

Well, I'm over here dragging my feet . I have been procrastinating. We've been so busy all summer with the outside property, that we haven't finished fixing up the basement yet. I haven't pressured hubby about it, cuz of all the other thngs we need to get done.
So, I haven't even handed in the paperwork yet.

Also, for a while there we were having issues with our son, and we felt we needed to concentrate on him. He had a rough go towards the end of the school year last year, self esteem crushed, mildly depressed. It was a severe bullying issue, that he kept to himself until a month before school let out. School started today, and we've been praying he has a better year this year. He is in a good place emotionally right now, so


I will dig the paperwork out, so at least we can get the rest done. I suppose we can take the classes, and get the basement done eventually before we take kids in.

We did pass the fire inspection--the walk up in the basement saved us there. So that leaves the rest of the scrutiny.

 

[me&thegals]

MTN--Completely understand. I, too, want our kids to be in just the right place when we begin this. I guess, though, that it might be unrealistic for me to expect all the stars to line up perfectly before we begin. I guess that's just not life.

Glad, though, that things are better for your son. Bullying is so destructive!

We also have been putting it off all summer. It has just been way too busy. Next year I will cut back on my CSA business to allow more time, but this year I was already committed to 10 families when we got the call about the classes starting, so....

We don't have much to do for the bedroom--just get one of the 2 beds out and maybe put in a dresser. There is a small closet and attached bathroom, walk-out basement, large egress window, so I think we're good.

 

[FarmerDenise]

When I was in high school two of my dear friends ended up in foster care. They had been living in a mobile home with their father and brother. The father was very strict with his daughters and they were well cared for and well behaved. But the father drank and ended up getting busted and going to jail. So the kids went to social services. The girls were placed together in a foster home in another town. I don't remember where they put the boy.
It was very hard for them, because they were taken from everything and everyone they knew. They lived in a shabby room in the attic and were expected to do all the house work. The woman just bossed them around. Then one day they realized that the foster father had put a hole in the wall and watched them dress and undress. They told their social worker and ended up being placed in a foster home in our town. This place was better in some ways. At least the girls were back among friends. But this foster family was very strict and the girls weren't allowed to see any one after school. They had quite a few foster kids. All the foster kids had chores and did all the housework. But at least it was safe and clean. But the girls spirits were broken and the younger sister ran away at age 14 with a 20 year old. No one heard from her for months. The older sister just shrank inside herself. She totally stopped caring for herself. She stopped talking to anyone.
She finally heard from her sister who was living in Florida with the boyfriend. The older sister went to join the younger sister after high school and we never heard from either of them again.

The vision of my broken friend is something I just cannot forget.

So I have always helped kids out, if I could. When my daughter came home and told me that so-and-so needed a ride to school because her mom wouldn't take her, I scheduled an additional pickup. When on a cold and rainy day a classmate was starting a long walk home, because the mother refused to give the child money for a bus pass, I took the child home. And let her know that I'd be glad to do it anytime the weather was bad. She cried and couldn't believe that I could care.
I took one of my daughters friends to counseling, to the doctor and into my home. I fought for her at school like she was my own. Eventually the mom went for counseling too and they reconciled. I am very proud of this particular girl, because she graduated from high school, hadn't gotten pregnant, and got a job instead of going on wellfare.

I always thought I would become a foster parent, but I have been dealing with a difficult stepson and his siblings, so I have my hands full.

I think it is great that you are wanting to do this. Good foster parents are really needed.

 

[me&thegals]

And I think that ANYone can be an incredible advocate for kids, as you obviously are, FarmerDenise. Those kids are lucky to have you in their lives!

Yes, reading about all the awful foster parenting that goes on out there (and biological parenting, for that matter) really makes a person want to step up to the plate.

 

[Firefyter-Emt]

well just a bump here... I had dropped me&thegals a PM a couple weeks ago, and things are now quite so I wanted to update. My wife and I did get out license a few weeks back and the same day had a 3 day old infant placed with us. Sadly, we only had him in our home for a week before he had to go back into the ER to undergo a detox program (His mom was on methadone) He was great blessing and we loved the time with hime, even if he was a tad fussy at the end. WE are now wringing our hands waiting for the next placement, we really miss it now that we had just a short stint. Our new case worker is meeting with us on the 22nd so I doubt anything will happen until then (people inside moving is causing the delay, I am sure)

So I will add more as we go on, we had him for just a week and it was just way too short!

 

[Big Daddy]

There's some bad stories out there about Foster Parents. The media loves to jump on stuff like that. They love to make it sound like the bio parents were wonderful people and the big bad social services took their kids away for some minor infraction. The majority of foster parents are fantastic people as are the social workers that work for very substandard wages, Anyone on here that is a foster parent or a social worker I salute you. Firefyter, once they have a few successful placements with you, they will start rolling in. Some will be great. Others will sorely try you. You will cry at what some of these bio parents can do to their kids. What is worse is that the kids want to go back for more.

 

[Firefyter-Emt]

Thanks, for the most part we are going the "easy route" as we are fostering three and under. However, you will find more medical issues than emotional. But we love babies and our kids are geting older (well... 14, 11, 10 & 6) But not babies anyway!

The harder part is friends and family were picking up Christmas gifts (Hey, he was a new born, right?) But now that he is in the ER, he will be placed with a pre-adoptive family when he get's out of the program. It's good in a way, he will be with two other siblings, but sad because we will really miss him and may not have anyone here for Christmas....

 

[okiegirl1]

I became a guardian to a child a few years ago.
He came to me through my other children. He is a friend of my kids and I knew things were not right at home, he tried to hide it but too many things were apparent.
He would not show up at school and the kids would call me and tell me that he isn't there and to check on him.
I would drive over there and ask him if he wanted a ride and he would be all out of sorts.
I finally got the story one day when I went over there and demanded to know why he wasn't in school again, her car was in the driveway so why didn't she drive him if he missed the bus?
He is very upset and tells me to go wait in the car and he will meet me across the street, he was afraid we would wake her up.
So the story finally comes out. He misses school because he is so tired he can't get up and when he does the bus is gone and she won't drive him.
So why is he too tired to get up?
Well she comes home at 1:00 a.m. from her shift as a psychiatric nurse and gets hammered and wakes him up to yell at him and tell him what a piece of garbage he is and she wishes he was never born and wouldn't let him go back to sleep.
Sometimes she would make him get up and clean the house until 4:00 a.m. until she finally passed out.
So one day I get a phone call and he is on his sidewalk with nothing but a back pack full of clothes and he said he had nowhere to go.
Now this woman never raised him to begin with. She got pregnant at 27 by her husband and he left her while she was still pregnant and he was not a part of his life.
So she was no kid when this happened and she was a nurse. You would think she would be stable enough to raise him, but she dumped him on her parents until he was 7, took him back and then gave him back again.
Then she remarried and this guy took her son back and the guy abused the boy until the police were involved and he ended up back at the grandparents.
This guy is also a special needs teacher. How scary is that?
So she eventually divorces the guy to appease the courts and children's services but still dates him
and she takes the boy back.
Bad situation, by now the grandparents are very old and can no longer take care of him.
The ex husband/boyfriend comes back into the picture and tells her its the boy or him because he is legally not allowed in the same house as her son due to the physical abuse.
Who do you think she chose?
So this is where I find this child, sitting on the curb with all his worldly possessions in a backpack trying to not let me see him cry.
Pretty tough to take.
I took him home and that was that.
His mother never called me or him, never asked if he needed anything , nothing.
Eventually I have to go to court for legal guardianship because I couldn't even take him to the doctor, which he needed badly by the way for a broken disc in his back, or even legally sign school papers.
She showed up in court and said, yeah she can have him, I never should have had kids, I should have had an abortion.
By the way, she told him this all the time while he was growing up and yelled it at him from the doorway when we picked him up on the sidewalk that day.
So long story short, he is a wonderful soul, I am grateful he is in my life, he never ever leaves the house or hangs up the phone without saying I love you.
He had been doing horribly in school when I got him and he completely turned around, made all the varsity teams had lots of friends and I cried myself sick at his graduation ceremony.
When the seniors graduate from the basketball team they have a ceremony and they call out the names of the people who have made the most difference in their lives, that person walks down to the court and the young man pins a flower on you.
There are parents, coaches, school counselors, relatives etc. there and they can choose whoever made the most difference to them.
I heard my husband and I called my legs felt like jelly and when I got down to the court he pinned the flower on me and gave me the biggest hug and then turned to my husband and they gave eachother the biggest bear hug. They are both over 6 feet tall and it was quite a site to see these two tough guys hugging with tears in their eyes.
You take it for granted sometimes that you shape the life of your own kids and you make a difference in their lives, thats a given. But when you do it for another child its a different thing.
I tell you all this because its worth it to help a child if you can.
Even though I didn't actively go out and try to foster a child he came to me, I guess we found each other or maybe divine intervention.
I did what I was suppose to do in that situation, what I was meant to do.
I don't know where he would be right now if I hadn't been able to help him. I can tell you for sure it wouldn't be good.
So I give alot of credit to people who go through all the steps it takes to be a foster parent and to really help these kids. It can make all the difference in the world where these kids end up.
My hats off to you for doing it again and again.

 

[Big Daddy]

Thanks, for the most part we are going the "easy route" as we are fostering three and under. However, you will find more medical issues than emotional. But we love babies and our kids are geting older (well... 14, 11, 10 & 6) But not babies anyway!

The harder part is friends and family were picking up Christmas gifts (Hey, he was a new born, right?) But now that he is in the ER, he will be placed with a pre-adoptive family when he get's out of the program. It's good in a way, he will be with two other siblings, but sad because we will really miss him and may not have anyone here for Christmas....

We started with 10 and below. We soon found that kids can be seriously damaged to the point of being dangerous after the age of 5. We had a 5 year old break our dogs back and try to hang her 3 year old brother. After that we switched to 3 years and under. My DW became known as the baby lady. We took only medically fragile babies that stayed with us for long periods Fostered for 10 years and adopted 5 children that came to us as babies.

We quit 4 years ago because we had a problem with adopting too many kids. I will be 63 when our youngest turns 18. It was time to stop.

Babies are great. We both miss having babies around.

 

[Firefyter-Emt]

Yea, we had thought thru all those kind of issues when we thought about what age we wanted. The "no walking, no talking" age seemed to be the best fit.

We have a friend that also Fosters and they have been blessed to have a wonderful batch of kids in all. They are in our church, and their foster children are even active in the church now and very well behaved.

We are not looking to adopt ourselves, so that helps going into it that way, we just want to help out. My wife was in the system when she was young and it's very important to her. Me? I just love holding the babies... I have a knack about putting them to sleep pretty fast, my wife thinks it's because I am so warm-blooded that the extra body heat does it.

PS, God bless you for all that you did... That must of been hard with the older kids to go thru that and not be bitter at them, I know it would be almost impossible not to be. After a few years, we may jump to to 5 and under, but my daughter is six so I want to keep the foster kids younger than my own. They say it helps with the order of things.