Jason closes his journal... Thanks!! I love you!!

[justusnak]

Jay, I am so glad to hear your insides are doing well. I know that with all we have had going on lately here, we too have eaten more processed foods than usual...and we sure can feel it! I think gardens everywhere are in bad shape. I decided to replant green beans, beets, and peas...for fall gardening. Hopeing it works.
I am looking forward to your family update. Oh, dont worry about me, I have been told several times in the last month...I am a " cold hearted B&*ch. :/ Oh well...what ever will be, will be....right?
Take care... Jay. We miss you!

 

[lorihadams]

i'm good too....glad everything checked out okay. We've been feeling it with the diet thing too...been running alot.

 

[TanksHill]

Jay, feel free to unload on us. If it makes you feel better that's all that matters.

I am glad your insides are doing better. It's amazing how our emotional and physical state is so intertwined. Good to hear your on the mend.

g

 

[murphysranch]

From what I "know" about these members, they are a tough lot. They handle critters, flocks, herds, heat, irritating family, death, births, you name it. Bring it on - we're a good group of listeners.

 

[2dream]

Hey Jay, glad you are better. I know what you mean about the processed food thing. It will take me months to get my system back in line after 2 months of either not eating at all, or eating fast food. Yuck.

Just hang in there. Thats all we can do sometimes.

 

[Dace]

Hi Jay, so happy to see you posting.
Sorry about the accident but thank goodness you are alright!

I agree with Murphy.....this group are filled with good listeners and support, lay it on us, we are here for you.

 

[kcsunshine]

Really glad to hear from you again.

 

[TTs Chicks]

we are here for you

 

[modern_pioneer]

When I arrived at my folks place, a strange feeling came over me. As I walked into the house, entering the room where they had been murdered I think I could feel their presents. It wasn't in ghost form but rather a negative energy, like a wind the blows, but not across, but rather straight from the ground (up and down) and it felt that strange.

The blood, oh my gosh, the matter stuck on the walls, it was a scene straight out of a horror film. The walls were covered with a grid from crime scene search unit. The odor in the room was an odor I had smelt in recent times, when Katrina hit I went to the area before the government even sent troops/supplies. I joined up with a small group of men several that I worked with in the Army.

Shaking, I began to cry and a moan came out, right there and then I could feel the hate/violence that had taken place just days before in that room. I could feel it and my soul could feel the awful pain. I have in my life been in combat, close quarters, yet the feelings I was feeling was unlike any before that I had felt. The feelings I was having were raw, and they felt awful. I understand that this time it was the presents of killed family members.

I suspect that Dad and Linda were both there in spirit due to the level of violence that happened. I know they were looking down at me not as angels but as spirits. I could do nothing but cry and moan for them. I had never been so heart broken, I had never felt souls in the spirit world before. If you don't believe in spirits, neither did I until that evening. I always believe that there are spirits and ghost, but just as in the fun of believing it. I had never witnessed a spirit or ghost in real life, let alone feeling the presents of spirits.

They were sad for me as I could feel their sadness on my skin like a piece of clothing I was wearing. They were present right there and then with me for over an hour. The feelings passed as soon as I left the house. At no time since returning back have I felt their presents as I did that evening. I have gone back to the house several times expecting something to make me feel that way again, but nothing is present.

I have to be careful in what I say, so I will only say what has been reported. My father was shot 22 times in the head, and Linda was stabbed 15 times and her throat was cut. I can't tell you more detailed facts right now, but I wish some one could pull those details out of my brain. Even from a professional soldier point of view, the facts around how they were killed is awful.

For my own health and my family we have sought out professional help to assist us with these feelings. I am handling my fathers estate affairs, and this is very raw as well. People grieve in different ways, I have some one to assist me in channeling my feelings, where other people aren't getting help. So as you can imagine there is a few things going on that shouldn't. But as long as I do the right thing, obey the law, and do/handle my fathers affairs in a manner which he would want me too, I am going to be okay.

The nightmare that keeps playing in my head is one where I am in the room, high in one corner, like I am a spirit watching as they are killed. Sometimes I try to attack the murderer, but the same results happen again. There was nothing I did to cause their murders, there was nothing I could do to prevent this from happening. They were very tight lipped about the going ons with the suspect murderer. However when some facts are brought out I am sure I will learn more about what happened prior days before this happened.

I was once a member of a Southern Baptist church where I was baptize in the name of Jesus and excepted him as my savorier. Later in my life I would leave the church yet carry on with my love of God, not going to church, yet loving and fearing God in my own way. I learned to love Mother Earth as friend since my days of going to church.

When times like these come, Jesus and God seem to be there for us all. I am not going to push what I think in these matters to you, I believe we have free will and I respect your position on what you believe. Making it clear that there will not be any debate about religion here. I mention this now only to share my inner feelings and struggles with these issues.

I did not plant a garden this year, just a few tomato plants and tater baskets were done and I only added a few covers of compost. My food stores that we had put up are almost gone, I still have lots of jam, so that is some comfort food.

Events in our lives change us as people, but other than combat, no other event has changed my life they way this has. I have never stopped and look at my life the way I have done in the last few months.

I have never cried so many tears or felt so helpless or angry, ever. In those moments, I pray and ask for strength. I decided to seek out a new church and form of religion as a Christian. I have joined a Methodist Church and find it a wonderful place to visit with God. My spirit is worn thin at times, but I keep on getting on with life being strong for my family and weak to God.

Currently I am in good health, my mind and soul are hurt but I remain strong. I can't put into words how devastated I was a few months ago, I am still in some sort of misery, but it isn't as bad as it was. Time shall help heal these wounds thou scares will always be present.

This has greatly effected my living goals this year, but I don't plan to drop my goals, just set them aside so I can deal with these issues. I think its okay to put a temp hold on living SS right now. I didn't let the berries go to waste rather gave them away. I did put up a couple half pints of current jelly as I haven't had any for some time.

I will consider a cold weather garden for my cold frame. Ideas for winter crops for my cold frame?

Have you felt spirits or have you seen spirits?

Have you ever felt a spirit?

Have you felt the presents of a loved one that has passed away?

Do you believe that a crime so bad could take place, that peoples souls get stuck where they were killed?

















/

 

[Dace]

Jason that is a lot for any one to have to deal with. You are a good man with a good heart, you will do what is right.

Let go of your goals for this year, don't let that burden you, you have enough burden right now.... Gardens and goals
can wait another year, you just need time
to heal a little bit.

I am glad to hear that you found your way back into church. There is a wonderful sense of community and caring at church and I hope that helps in your healing.

We are always here to lend an ear and give a hug, you know that.