Kids or No Kids? How did you know?

[abifae]

Just to clarify, NOT an insult about your comment, Abi, just a statement that some parents will never get it.

LOL! Thanks And I wholeheartedly agree.

Then again, knowing that I am selfish and lack the maturity to be less so, I refuse to have kids. I would mostly feel frustrated that they took took took and never gave back. So I will not put a child in the unfortunate position of being raised by me.

 

[lwheelr]

Children DO give back.

A sleeping infant in your arms is the most peaceful feeling in the world - in a time when peace is in short supply, that is a valuable gift.

The new belly laugh of a three month old baby is a priceless gift, and makes the sleepless nights and dirty diapers much less burdensome.

When a crawling baby leaves a toy and comes grinning to YOU, because you are the best thing in the world, they've certainly given you something irreplaceable.

The toddler that tries to put the clothes in the hamper, and has to get EVERY. SINGLE. CORNER. inside, is just learning how to contribute meaningful effort, simply because they desire to please YOU.

It goes like that through their whole lives - their capacity to give grows as their need gradually decreases. And if you teach them, they begin helping with chores and their own upkeep around the house early on (yes, even the toddler trying to put clothes in the hamper), to the extent that the only effort a well-taught teen requires is encouragement, limits, and the car keys (which, as any parent of teens knows, gives you the ULTIMATE POWER over them, so it is worth giving them the keys a reasonable amount of the time!). By the time our kids are teens, we are in a sort of partnership with them for the function and management of the home.

As adults, they give back more than they take, though the overall exchange is less frequent.

My son. My oldest rebellious son, who in spite of his rebellion, always hugged me and said he missed me. Who, after Sidney died, listened to me cry out my grief on the phone with him one day. I said, "I feel so unpredictable. I can't even control my emotions. I cry over nothing now." and he replied, "MOM! It's not nothing! Your baby DIED!", putting into perspective for me that it wasn't the things around me making me cry, they were merely triggering a larger grief.

My daughter, who most of the time acts as though she cannot stand me (she has major mental issues due to Fetal Drug Effect), but who would still ask for a recipe, or call when she needed Mom.

My distractible third, the son with raging ADD, who served an honorable mission, and with whom I can discuss things of the heart, and know he will always get it.

My middle child, also a son, currently on a mission, struggling to find his place in the world, who writes his parents separately every week, and looks forward to our replies. Who does what he feels is right, even when he doesn't want to, and who talks of coming to work with our farm when he is off his mission.

The showgirl, the next child, in a selfish teenage stage, who still bakes cookies regularly for the family, and who will protest over any chore she does not choose, but helps with babies without a complaint, even the messy stuff, and who will voluntarily choose difficult chores.

Our quiet author girl, who makes our meals when I do not have the energy to cook (frequently now), who helps feed the animals and weed the garden, and does the dishes every night.

Our youngest son, dreamy and an avid reader, who prayed so hard for a younger brother or sister. The boy who took so much care when he had cancer, but who discusses spiritual concepts beyond his years, and whose love of history had him reading college level historical books by the age of seven. He milks the goats, processes the milk, and helps out so that I have time to work in our business and still get the rest I need right now.

Oh, yes. They give back.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

lwheelr - I have to say that was the most beautiful post, and what beautiful people you and your husband are!

abifae, children who take take take are never taught any different. In my experience, those children are the products of the people who give them everything they want/see just because they breathe the same air as everyone else. Children CAN be taught to give back, and that is what responsible parents do.

But, it is a personal choice - to have kids or not to have kids - and not something that strangers on the street or in the store should put their nose into. (It really irritates me when I hear comments like, "You do know what causes that, right?" from complete strangers, like they think it's hilarious and they made it up all by themselves ) Whether someone wants to or doesn't want to have children is between themselves, their significant other, and - if they have beliefs similiar to mine - God.

I also believe that sometimes God puts people on this earth that cannot have children, because He designed them to care for the ones not wanted by their birth parents.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Children DO give back.

A sleeping infant in your arms is the most peaceful feeling in the world - in a time when peace is in short supply, that is a valuable gift.

The new belly laugh of a three month old baby is a priceless gift, and makes the sleepless nights and dirty diapers much less burdensome.

When a crawling baby leaves a toy and comes grinning to YOU, because you are the best thing in the world, they've certainly given you something irreplaceable.

The toddler that tries to put the clothes in the hamper, and has to get EVERY. SINGLE. CORNER. inside, is just learning how to contribute meaningful effort, simply because they desire to please YOU.

It goes like that through their whole lives - their capacity to give grows as their need gradually decreases. And if you teach them, they begin helping with chores and their own upkeep around the house early on (yes, even the toddler trying to put clothes in the hamper), to the extent that the only effort a well-taught teen requires is encouragement, limits, and the car keys (which, as any parent of teens knows, gives you the ULTIMATE POWER over them, so it is worth giving them the keys a reasonable amount of the time!). By the time our kids are teens, we are in a sort of partnership with them for the function and management of the home.

As adults, they give back more than they take, though the overall exchange is less frequent.

My son. My oldest rebellious son, who in spite of his rebellion, always hugged me and said he missed me. Who, after Sidney died, listened to me cry out my grief on the phone with him one day. I said, "I feel so unpredictable. I can't even control my emotions. I cry over nothing now." and he replied, "MOM! It's not nothing! Your baby DIED!", putting into perspective for me that it wasn't the things around me making me cry, they were merely triggering a larger grief.

My daughter, who most of the time acts as though she cannot stand me (she has major mental issues due to Fetal Drug Effect), but who would still ask for a recipe, or call when she needed Mom.

My distractible third, the son with raging ADD, who served an honorable mission, and with whom I can discuss things of the heart, and know he will always get it.

My middle child, also a son, currently on a mission, struggling to find his place in the world, who writes his parents separately every week, and looks forward to our replies. Who does what he feels is right, even when he doesn't want to, and who talks of coming to work with our farm when he is off his mission.

The showgirl, the next child, in a selfish teenage stage, who still bakes cookies regularly for the family, and who will protest over any chore she does not choose, but helps with babies without a complaint, even the messy stuff, and who will voluntarily choose difficult chores.

Our quiet author girl, who makes our meals when I do not have the energy to cook (frequently now), who helps feed the animals and weed the garden, and does the dishes every night.

Our youngest son, dreamy and an avid reader, who prayed so hard for a younger brother or sister. The boy who took so much care when he had cancer, but who discusses spiritual concepts beyond his years, and whose love of history had him reading college level historical books by the age of seven. He milks the goats, processes the milk, and helps out so that I have time to work in our business and still get the rest I need right now.

Oh, yes. They give back.

abifae, my apologies for my lame post - as this is 1000 times better, and I'm wondering why didn't I think of that

 

[abifae]

I think I grew up in a different world than you all did.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

I think I grew up in a different world than you all did.

Or just had extremely DIFFERENT circumstances growing up than the rest of us.

I grew up in a blended family, and was a pretty angry teen most of the time. I was jealous of all my friends who had the perfect 2 parent household - and no step or half siblings. So, that growing experience helped me to decide at age 14 that when I married it would be forever - regardless of circumstances. I also new that all of my kids, no matter how many I had, would have the same father - but in my mind, the only way I wouldn't have their father with me would be by death, because divorce wouldn't be an option.

I also, from the time I had made that decision until I went on a wandering course away from God, started praying heavily that God would have me marry someone who I knew as a friend before they were a romantic interest. I can honestly say, He totally answered that prayer in my husband! Even when I was straying from Him, He answered. (I know others have different beliefs, just my experience here).

 

[bornthrifty]

that's a pretty big question

my entire life I said I would have no kids,

and of course I hung around like minded folks, ( so as to not leave that path)

(yet I recall when I was about 10 my dad so mad that I had said I wouldn't have kids, he in his frustration said "well who the hell's gonna take care of you when you get old?")

never forgot that, I am sure that statement bothers many who might read it, (bothered me, cause that's no reason to have kids, right?)

well, as I got older I realized as I watched others get older, that family is really all you got, (it's just that simple) I mean you can hire people to take care of you, but you can't hire people to love you

(only so many people will change your diaper when you are old...for free that is)

well I spent most of my life hating kids, rolling my eyes when I had to suffer at a resturant or movie, with some loud child in the background....( the entire time of course I knew I could do better,lol)

over time, I literally begrudgingly gave into spouse and agreed to a child, (was upset during the entire gestation)
(mourned quietly as I noticed how the house was calm and once child came it would never be calm again...)
(mourned my freedom, and all those pretend vacations I was going to take, and all the stuff I wouldn't be able to buy)

and you know what,

child was born, and that tiny little stranger that I felt no closeness to the entire 9months prior, filled my heart with love

(nobody told me I would love it the child), ! lol)


so for me it was a pragmatic decision that if I wanted to have "family", someday(that should outlive me), and not just the closeness of a cat, and the occasional visit of a friend or sibling,
time was ticking and it needed to be "dealt with"

but in it to my surprise was great joy, love like I never felt before, and a new depth and meaning to our daily routines, as suddenly they had purpose and felt more noble, there is such a beautiful depth in this sort of providing, nurturing, teaching and sacrificing of you self that no one can quite explain, a humbling, in a very beautiful, sacrificing in a very meaningful way
yes it is hard, (especially for a knowitallselfabsorbed person such as myself) but anything worth doing is hard, and lasting joy comes from doing the hard things

 

[Wannabefree]

I think I grew up in a different world than you all did.

Sheesh me too!

My kids are obviously totally different from ya'lls...like maybe even from another planet altogether different.

 

[bornthrifty]

lwheelr, your posts on this are really moving, thanks so much for sharing your story

 

[lwheelr]

bornthrifty, LOVED your post.

No, having someone to take care of you in your old age is NO reason to have a child. We raise them up, teach them as best we can, try to help them find their purpose in life, and set them out to live that life. If they choose to help us out later, that's a blessing. But it is their life to live, not ours to command.

But having loving family as you grow older IS a good reason. Even if your children die before you do, you still have more than if you didn't have them at all.