Ladies....help me out on this one UPDATE

[murphysranch]

I'm with you, FD.

 

[Mackay]

Wow. seems like lots of us have this issue.

I remember when I was little looking at all the little old ladies that lived around me in my small upstate NY town. There seemed to be quite a few. They mostly had some shade of blue hair, never wore pants, prim and propper, and definately had the vibe of no sex!

And the shocker was that they were only in their 50's!

I don't see those type around anymore. Are they in disguise?

I don't know for sure if it is a sign of imbalance for a woman in her 50s not to want sex anymore. I started to have problems myself in my 40's. If you listened to Oprah you would think there was something really wrong with you. But I don't think that is true and I think that that show creates a false expectation as most everything in the media does.

When you look back into history a woman in her 50's is practically a crone.... after all most of us didn't get to live much longer. And a woman at age 30 was past her prime for marriage.

If you look at the teachings and culture from from India age brings wisdom and celebacy, a time in your life when you move on to really focusing on your spiritual work and to teaching those younger than you, most often grandchildren. I bring India up because they are a very earth linked culture where most people outside of the big cities are still fairly untainted by images and media.

So when, in our culture does a woman get to say to her man enough is enough without fear of him running off? or stalking elsewhere or just simply being miserable?..... I know without hormone replacement I would also be having the proverbial "headache"

 

[lorihadams]

Okay, so got online this morning and found a naturopathic doctor in my neck of the woods!!! I just called her office and left a message for an initial appointment. Hopefully this will work out, thanks Mackay!

I am hoping to get off the depression meds as well and maybe I can get some of the fatigue issues and muscle pain figured out as well. I got up this morning and I feel like I have lead weights on my ankles and my knees are killing me.

Hubby was feeling frisky last night and I shut him down. He's not a happy camper but I just feel so run down. I know I need to do a cleanse when we get settled cause I have not been eating and drinking water like I should be with all the running back and forth.

She (the ND) is not licensed in the state of VA--apparantly we are an unlicensed state but she has done 4 yrs of post graduate education and she specializes in cancer therapy but works with other patients too.

I keep telling my husband that this is not just me, lots of women of all ages have libido issues and he just keeps telling me that he thinks some of it is mental. Grrrrrrrrrr

How would you feel if you had to lay there and pretend to be interested while someone did what they wanted to you? I've been raped before (college, freshman yr) and it just makes you feel like that all over again. You feel helpless, degraded, dirty and shameful. How do you expect me to get excited about feeling that way? I keep telling him that it doesn't matter that HE wasn't the one that did those things to me. What matters is that they were done to me at all.

Thank you all for listening and I will definitely keep you posted on what happens with the ND.

 

[Mackay]

I don't know if an ND that is not licensed will be able to to hormone tests for you and they certainly cannot prescribe any prescription mediciations but they certainly have other options such as herbs and homeopathy.

In fact homeopathy has helped me quite a bit with all kinds of issues including low sex drive back in my 40s. I have seen it cure several cases of post partum depressing in just a few days. She probably has several options for just general depression

She may be able to bet to the bottom of that issue with the pain you are having... often times this is a mineral deficiency or a need for a more comprehensive detox. I had very bad pain in my arms when I was about 42 and magnesium supplements helped. No telling what she will have up her sleeve.

Really, taking hormones at your age should be a last resort. If you don't get anywhere here you can then look around for an MD that does bio-identical hormone replacement

 

[Blackbird]

Sorry for intruding here..

Lori, did you ever have any form of therapy or counseling after that happened to you?

I think I've told you some of the things that happened to me before, and it's probably safe to say that it's easier for men to experience pleasure after something like that, but at least for me, it doesn't come without the cost of feeling dirty and terrible afterward and sometimes during.

And I know for some people, that really doesn't go away, and there are some out there who can completely do without sex after something like that.

 

[Ldychef2k]

me too!

Me three. Except for the three months I was married, I haven't had insurance since 1986.

 

[Ldychef2k]

No insurance here either, none since 2000.
I don't have any sex drive either. None, zip, nada. No matter how hard I try, can't see what all the hoopla is about, but sure would like to find out
Well there has been the rare occasion when I experienced something rather nice, but fireworks, rockets, volcano's..? no...

Ditto. Am 16 years post-menopause, which made no difference at all. Was celibate from 1977 until I met my ex husband in 1997, and since he left in 2004. I could not care less.

 

[Beekissed]

How would you feel if you had to lay there and pretend to be interested while someone did what they wanted to you? I've been raped before (college, freshman yr) and it just makes you feel like that all over again. You feel helpless, degraded, dirty and shameful. How do you expect me to get excited about feeling that way? I keep telling him that it doesn't matter that HE wasn't the one that did those things to me. What matters is that they were done to me at all.

Thank you all for listening and I will definitely keep you posted on what happens with the ND.

Lori, I would have to agree a little with you husband that some of your libido is mental....and he may be causing it.

Some men..actually, most that I have known..think that ~because it is easy for them to become aroused and have an orgasm~that it is also easy for a woman to do the same.

Unfortunately, women's sexual arousal is very much dependent upon being in the right frame of mind. If your husband only kisses and cuddles you when he expects something to happen for him as a result, a woman can feel pressured, used and resentful.

These feelings are NOT an aphrodisiac!

I can sympathize....I didn't have an orgasm with a man until all my children were born and I was 28 yrs. old. Plenty of sex but no rockets going off....I know now it was due to my tension levels, my frustration and resentfulness that my husband didn't really care if I was in the mood.....he just had to have it each night without fail or he didn't feel like his world was on straight.

If you said no, he would pester and pout until it was easier to just give in and fake it to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Until I had a better mindset about who I was, what I was worth and just what I would and would not put up with any longer, I did not enjoy sex. It was not with my husband...I had divorced him.

It could very well be physical in nature, but I'm betting~ from your past history and your description of things at home~ that a large part of your problem is mental. And its not your fault!

You are tired, you are stressed, you are being held hostage over sex, you are being pressured into feeling something you just do not feel right now.

 

[Mackay]

I think mental and physical go hand in hand quite a bit. If the mental goes down for some reason the physical shuts down too.
We are not divided inside.

I think Lori loves her husband. my question is.. lori did you ever have good sex, honeymoon, making babies anytime? with your husband?

Now if libido is low due to hormonal changes, illness, depression, antidepressant use, sex will not be pleasant and what should feel like a safe environment will start reminding one of bad past experience cause if you don't have the fire to back up your actions it does feel like abuse and of course that will remind one something that happened back in college, when in reality it is not the same thing at all... just reminds one of it.

Husbands are hard pressed for information too and Im sure Lori's guy is having a very difficult time.. A sexual rejection is taken as a rejection of them quite personally, and for many men sex is the pathway to their heart.... it opens their hearts... its not just a F... It energizes and feeds their spirit, their body, and helps them to keep on giving in all the ways that they do. Doesn't anyone see a difference in their man after a good love making session. Isn't he whisteling in the morning or something akin? I see mine attack the day with a renewed passion for the quest of life. I see this clear as day.

Men also feel their needs in a much more physical way then most women do. They can really get distressed without sex for too long and there can be downright debilitating physical pain... and of course this only helps to shut them down in other ways too , like in their heart. Feelings of isolation will grow... and a lessor man will start roaming.

Some men can relieve themelves, others can't manage that at all and they rely on a woman. One time when I was into denying my husband because of my bad mood or whatever I found him in the bathroom vomiting. If a woman can't manage sex with her husband for whatever reason it can be a gift of compassion to help her husband out in some other way. You can view it in two ways. One you are being used, the other you are giving a gift... and I can say that I have put on an act to provide, done what perhaps I would have prefered not to, and provided him release so that he can get on with his day ..... but I did not feel abused. I knew his need was real, and even more I knew that he loved me even though we were not hitting on all 4 cylinders.... my man had chosen and was expected to really perform, by his company, by his wife, by his kids out there in a really brutal world. How could I send him out there in distress?...... weakend, possibly in pain? certainly in torment. Most men are generally grateful for release whatever way it may come, it does not have to be intercourse.

And the saddest thing is that most women don't know this when they get married, cause who is telling you? Your Mother? Certainly not mine! They end up learning the hard way by going though lots of pain for both of them.

My grandmother was a stauch victorian. She tried to teach me that sex was dirty. The one thing I remember her saying about her husband was that she was glad she was relieved of the duties when he suddenly died. What a creepy relationship they must have had and I feel that it was most likely because of her feelings of filth and shame around sex, but what do I know. Maybe she needed testosterone shots too?

Somewhere along the line I decided that was BS, and I chose to take a different direction in my attitude and approach.

Lori, you would do well to sit down and talk this out with your husband. If you are still really suffering from that incident in college you should get counseling too. but most women get over rape given time and if you have had good relations with your husband you are probably most of the way over it. Only you know for sure.
Just be sure to not mix up your feelings between the displeasure of low libido and that of terror and hatred and violence. Low libido can really turn off all the pleasure buttons both physically and mentally and it can make sex a very difficult thing to get through and of course a natural response after the fact of an unsatifying sexual encounter is resentment.

I think that once you open the door and start asking questions and seeking answers, if you really want answers, they will come. Just include your husband in it as it will help contribute to emotional intimacy and decrease both of your senses of isolation.
You don't have a problem alone, you two are in this together.

And I will say this also, when I was about 27 years old I was also raped. You will find that this is not so an uncommon experience for women. You can get over it. I did it by claiming by spirit and my soul and refusing to allow anyone to damage me. If I can get over it anyone can cause Im no one special. You just have to find your way and mine was through self empowerment and refusing to allow that jerk to have the best of me, that being my spirit.

 

[curly_kate]

It's horrifying to me the number of women here who have experienced sexual violence. It's disgusting that our society has produced so many men who think that is acceptable behavior. My heart goes out to you guys! I'm amazed at your strength!

I went to the new doc today, and I have to say it was a wonderful experience, compared to the rush-in, rush-out style of my previous doc. He did agree with my other doc that thyroid is not my problem, but feels that I have adrenal failure. I'm going to do a saliva test to see what results that yields. So I don't have any suggestions from him yet, but I will be sure to pass on any helpful info that I hear from him.

Mackay, I had a similar experience with my mother, who is VERY much a prude. My sisters & I joke that we had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy at my house regarding sex. There are times when I, too, am "not in the mood," but go ahead anyway because 1) I like that my husband feels good, and 2) I like that feeling of closeness & connection with him. But that being said, I have NEVER felt coerced, or felt like my husband was forcing me into anything. If that was the case, my attitude might be vastly different.