Ladies....help me out on this one UPDATE

[dragonlaurel]

Healing from stuff like this reminds me of peeling an onion. You deal with some of it, take time away from it, then later on you work on it some more. Getting some therapy may help.

Anything that reminds you too much of what happened before, can make you freeze up. Even if it's with someone you actually love. Unfortunately, the other person will be feeling rejected and that's rough on a relationship.

Try to think about what makes you feel more secure, safe, more reassured, and more in control of your life. Making sure those things are taken care of may help some.
Also remind yourself of your spouses good qualities. Remember what you liked about them in the beginning, and since. Let them know you still appeciate them, in words. The reassurance may be good for him. You also might try doing some self pleasure to remind your body that physical stuff can feel really good- without anybody pressuring you.

 

[MsPony]

*sigh* opposite problem here, he never wants. It so frustrating, irritating and draining.

I'm a female, I go through every possible reason he doesn't want me, what else am I supposed to do?

 

[dragonlaurel]

First- Don't assume it's about not wanting YOU specifically. That's a good way to get resentful, depressed, and more frustrated. Guys can go through periods of not being in the mood over stuff that is not related to their relationship. It could be :
having E D over a physical reason (bad circulation, blood sugar problems, hormone imbalances, exhaustion . . . )
feeling old, feeling like he isn't sexy (anymore), feeling out of shape, etc.
dealing with Depression- diagnosed or not.
imbalance of neurotransmitters
work or other stress
bad general health or diet- not providing the needed energy for fun.
Inhibitions/beliefs about sexuality, bodies, marriage, women . . .
Not understanding each others "signals" that they want to
Body cycles not in synch with each other. example- many men wake up in the mood, but if she is too sleepy then or already at work- there's no opportunity.

I thought somebody didn't want to be together with me anymore once before- and broke up because of it. Turned out he was suffering from a heavy depression over a relatives death. He didn't have classic depression symptoms, so I didn't recognize it. He got therapy for the depression after that.

 

[FarmerDenise]

I was molested as a child and raped in college, twice.
I have had lots of therapy and it helped a lot. As dragonlaurel stated, therapy is like peeling an onion. I am now back in therapy, dealing with more of the stuff as it comes up.

I understand that my partner feels unloved if we don't have sex. He really needs this physical aspect to realize that I do love him. With that knowledge, I enjoy giving him pleasure and making him feel loved. I really like making him happy and he gives me backrubs in return. Actually he gives me a backrub first, because he usually falls asleep after and the cuddling is nice.

But I still would like to experience all the bells and whistles.

 

[FarmerDenise]

*sigh* opposite problem here, he never wants. It so frustrating, irritating and draining.

I'm a female, I go through every possible reason he doesn't want me, what else am I supposed to do?

I had a friend who had that problem with her boyfriend, she was pretty crazy about him and worked on the relationship for many years. People don't expect it of men! She eventually found another man.

I often wondered, if he had been molested as a child. When I was in group therapy, there were a few men, some end up feeling that sex is dirty and don't care for it, just the same as women do who have been molested. And you would be surprised how many boys get molested!!!

 

[Farmfresh]

I have been on the pill off and on (had 2 pregnancies) for the last 8 or 9 years now and my libido has steadily gone down the drain. After fighting with my doctors I finally had one do some bloodwork and test my hormone levels a couple weeks ago and it came back that my estrogen was normal but my testosterone was low. Low enough to "probably" destroy my libido. I have decided to go off the birth control pills and hubby has decided to get a vasectomy (if we have anymore children we want to adopt). What can I do to help my desire come back and raise my testoterone levels? I also take Cymbalta for depression and anxiety (60mg once daily).

Thanks!

Good grief lori! I am late to this date, but BABY you are TIRED!!!!

Two kids and all the stresses involved with the move. I am ALL for him getting "fixed" and even more for you getting off the pill. That stuff is no good for anyone I don't CARE what they say. Also the Cymbalta may be a necessity, some people just need a little help in that area.

As for the rest. Sleep, peace and no (major) worries for a while will solve it all.

 

[PunkinPeep]

*sigh* opposite problem here, he never wants. It so frustrating, irritating and draining.

I'm a female, I go through every possible reason he doesn't want me, what else am I supposed to do?

I agree with dragonlaurel. My husband and i have gone through times like this. Often he just doesn't feel sexy, or he's thinking about stress at work or whatever. And if i communicate sexual frustration in response, it gets worse because then he feels inadequate as a husband.

I also find that very simple things like telling him how much i like him and why and reaffirming the things that he's insecure about help him come out of his very low times.

It sounds like your issues with this might be more permanent than ours, but i think that the same issues might be at the root. Also, i've found - as i get to know my husband's psyche - that his decreased libido when he feels insecure or whatever is a weird backwards compliment to me. If he didn't think much of me, he wouldn't mind throwing it out there whether he feels sexy or not. But since he really cares about me, it's different.

Food for thought.

 

[Farmfresh]

Here is a possible solution for those times when fun just doesn't seem like any fun.

I worked summers at a theme park for several years. There were BIG signs all over the employee areas that said "Smile until you mean IT!" Oddly enough this really works. Now just branch that out and have a nice day.

 

[lorihadams]

Man I really struck a nerve didn't I???

When my hubby and I first got together everything was great. Bells and whistles and hand holding and everything. About 6-7 months later I started having terrible debilitating pain in my neck and shoulders. Doctor said it was fibro and sent me to a specialist. I had some relief with that but then things started to go a little downhill. I was in so much pain that my boss would make me leave work (in tears) and I would go straight to the salon and pay for a 30 minute massage just to try to get relief. Pain killers made me feel better but tired and muscle relaxers made me loopy and sleepy.

About 3 months after we got engaged I started having pain again and then ended up pulling muscles in my neck and shoulders. Got that fixed and then snapped my trapezius. Ended up in the hospital with that one and 2 months of physical therapy. Then came the endometriosis. Sex drive was okay but had excruciating stabbing pains in my stomach if we even tried anything.....to the point I actually threw my husband across the room to get him off of me.

Got married and was actually GLAD to get my period on our honeymoon so we wouldn't have to do anything (cause it still hurt). Had 2 surgeries to get rid of the endometriosis and then got pregnant immediately with DS. Had celebratory sex the day we found out I was preggers and then didn't again until 8 weeks after his birth. Same with DD.

It hasn't been fun for a long time. I have dryness issues and have ever since I breastfed for the first time. It's also hard to get lubricated when you have NO interest in doing anything.

We went to counseling for a year and she wanted hubby to stop completely until we could get some tests done and find out what was going on physically and he was livid.

I need to go back to counseling but things are so crazy now that I just don't have the time or the energy. Hopefully when things are settled I can get that done, we should be moving in 2 weeks or so.

The abuse issues (my first crush took HORRIBLE advantage of me and forced me to do all sorts of things after taking my virginity on the hood of his car in his driveway after blocking me in one night) are still there and then when I was raped freshman yr at a party I felt partly responsible cause I got so drunk that I passed out and came to in the middle of everything.

Sex has never been fun for me. When hubby and I first got together we really had fun with it but then I just kept getting sick and still haven't fixed it. He is a wonderful person and craving love and attention and I just feel like I can't give him what he needs cause I have no desire to do so.

Cuddling is even hard cause depending on how we lay in bed or on the couch I can have pain and numbness in my hands and shoulders and pain in my lower back bad enough that I get stabbing pains when I try to roll over. I can't even help him out for very long cause my arms and hands will cramp up sometimes (if you know what I mean).

I am thinking of going back to my family doctor and asking her for some specific tests that you guys have recommended cause I don't thing the ND is going to work out due to insurance and licensing issues.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

We went to counseling for a year and she wanted hubby to stop completely until we could get some tests done and find out what was going on physically and he was livid.

Sweetie, please don't get mad at me for saying this, but this statement really bothers me.

I'm not there seeing in person what you're talking about, but I'm getting the real impression that sex seems to be the most important thing to your husband in this relationship.

Does he care that it causes you pain? Does he care that you're not enjoying it???

Like I said, please don't be upset with me, but your husband sounds really selfish, at least in this department.

I'm afraid if it was me, I'd be flat out asking if that's all he thought I was good for.

HE has some accountability in this, too, you know. He's pressuring you, and that's not helping YOU. He has to be willing to give, and not just take. Sex isn't supposed to be all about what the man wants, or for just satisfying ones self. It's supposed to be a beautiful act between two people who love each other.

I believe you two do love one another, and you both have some stresses going on.

You're being very honest about what is going on with you here and that you feel you need a doctor. Honey, do that, and in the meantime, buy him a blow up doll and some KY Jelly and tell him to rock out.

eta: i hope i didn't offend you, that wasn't my intentions. he needs to be considerate of your needs, too, and be willing to do whatever it takes to help you. Maybe put it to him this way, "honey, if we listen to the doctors, and find out why I'm not liking sex anymore, then maybe we can solve the problem and I'll want it, too."

i dunno.

Want me to come duct tape him to a wall???????