Mental health is important too! Stories, advice?

[big brown horse]

I never got into that stuff even in jr. high etc.

I have always found solace in friends and coworkers with a healthy sense of humor.

I have been forced to work with some pretty nasty coworkers (yep, they were girls er, ladies) and even a really nasty boss (lady too...the worst!) and I had to eat lunch in the car or the park etc. And stayed away from the break room...gossip room is what it should be called.

I was their target. And I walked out of that job after the semester was over and took my chances to get away from those bitter coworkers. Not worth it to me. I had the summer off to find another job, teachers get paid 12 months a year for 10 months of work. It is the same salary just spread out. So it wasn't that big of a chance. But my slogan is life is too short to be around negativity.

That was the only job that I have ever had that kind of trouble with. The job I landed after that one was 10 times better and full of peaceful Montessorians like myself. I made more money too. So here is where my slogan "There is a reason for everything" comes in to play.

 

[Dace]

Do you guys try to let it all go or do you hold it to you and nurse it along? I have learned to let things go for the most part.

Do you have old hurts and griefs that you dwell on or do you try to resolve them in your hearts and minds? There are a few lingering hurts that will never go away, they live at the back of my mind but I keep them under lock and key because to let them out does no good and yet, like a bad child, I can't get rid of them.

Do you jump defensively when people have dissenting views or seem to criticize you or do you lash back, think about it for days and keep re-living it in your minds? I have learned to smile, share my opinion and accept that others see things differently than me. In my youth I preferred to be right, now I just prefer to be gracious.


Do you folks actively try to eliminate this mental toxicity so as to improve your well-being? If so, how? Any advice to offer to those who have been hurt badly by others and can't seem to let go? I try to look at what is driving someone's actions and usually people act poorly, it is out of their own pain or fear. I do not believe that people are really mean, but they are scared and that fear drives them to act in ways that make them appear to be strong, powerful or right. So once I identify what the driving force is, I tend to take pity on them.

Or advice to others who live on the defensive and feel the need to hurt others? Life is not all about you, everyone is not out to get you.. I find that words and intentions are often misinterpreted. If you are feeling hurt, take a minute to ask yourself why? Did that hurt because it was true and I do not want to hear it? Did it hurt because I am feeling inferior? Am I afraid that someone is judging me? It is all perspective, when you assume that someone meant something innocently then your feathers do not get ruffled.....at least this is what I teach my kids.

Do you know people like this? My MIL, really she means well but she has a tendency to lie and play guilt trip/head games. She grew up without much love and was even sent away to boarding school for a number of years. While she is very loving she also has these nasty traits that have developed. When she behaves inappropriately, I shut down. Literally, like a light switch. We will be in the kitchen talking and all is well...I am gracious and chatty with her asking her questions and sharing information and then out of the blue she will say something destructive. That is when our chatty visit abruptly ends. I stop engaging and focus on what I am doing, I am still polite and answer and questions but I put a lid on my gracious demeanor and I extricate myself as quickly as possible. I will leave her with Dh and he will scold her. This may sound childish but I am dealing with a child like personality, so this is my version of shock and awe which lets her know, without an argument that she has crossed the line. I started this a couple of years ago and it leaves me feeling in control and peaceful rather than getting into an argument which leaves me feeling irate.

 

[Beekissed]

Oh, BBH, you have been so lucky that was your only job like that!

In the nursing world, and I think its like that in the corporate world also, nearly every job has this element. If you like happy and are soft-hearted, are hard-working, or even if you have values, there are folks who will work overtime to make you miserable. They especially do not like folks who are not "joiners"....will not join them in their attitudes, trashing of others or of the workplace, general malcontent or laziness.

2. Life is too short to work 8 hours a day in a place of constant tension and misery.

Great advice!

Great feedback on this....keep 'em coming!

 

[Beekissed]

Did it hurt because I am feeling inferior? Am I afraid that someone is judging me? It is all perspective

3. Do you LET others hurt you by internalizing and not considering the source?

Excellent, Dace! I find this to be true a lot when folks hold on to hurt and make a life of imagining this one or that one is "slighting" them. Perspective.

No one can hurt you if you do not let them! Feel the pain, assess if its real or just someone wanting to hurt you and don't really know you, and let it go on down the river....if it ain't true, it isn't worth dwelling on!

I started this a couple of years ago and it leaves me feeling in control and peaceful rather than getting into an argument which leaves me feeling irate.

A good description of managing a situation, when someone strives to hurt you, instead of letting the situation manage you!

The result? Feeling in control and peaceful! Bliss!

 

[DrakeMaiden]

I agree, I think women tend to be backstabbers, which is why I generally don't keep very many female friends in my life . . . most of the ones that I do, I tend to keep at a distance.

I have noticed that through practice, I have learned to have some immunity from the out of control emotions of people around me. I think it is easy to get drawn in and reactionary, whether you are driving on the road and someone cuts you off, or whether you are sitting at home and the person you live with is having a hissy fit. Just because the people around you are flying off the handle or acting inconsiderate, doesn't mean you have to follow along. Sometimes it can be tempting to get sucked in, and I still do sometimes, but the more you practice shrugging it off, the easier it becomes, and I think the outcome is usualy better. I think it is good to know that ultimately only you have control over your own thoughts/actions.

I'm trying to look at past hurts as warnings for how far I can trust or invest emotionally in people without necessarily harboring resentment toward those people. It is tempting to wish bad things on people who have hurt you, but I don't think it helps anyone. I figure eventually we will all reap what we sow, so we may as well be forgiving toward each other.

 

[Beekissed]

I think it is good to know that ultimately only you have control over your own thoughts/actions.

4. Ultimately, only YOU have control over your own thoughts/actions.

Avoid knee-jerk responses....words are like birds let fly from your hand....easy to let out, not so easy to get back.

It is tempting to wish bad things on people who have hurt you, but I don't think it helps anyone. I figure eventually we will all reap what we sow, so we may as well be forgiving toward each other

Truer words were never spoken...... wonderful sentiment, Drake!

 

[DrakeMaiden]

It is something I struggle with sometimes, but I am learning that it is the best way forward.

 

[big brown horse]

It takes more mental energy to be angry than happy.

(Bee I don't envy you. I taught Montessori and we Montessorians are supposed to be peaceful minded folks, we work with children for heaven's sake.)

My favorite rule of thumb: Treat everyone as you would treat your own Grandmother.

 

[Beekissed]

You'd be really surprised how badly some folks treat their grandmothers.......

I used to let people wound me, especially at work, I was a doormat from birth until around the mid-30s. I do not enjoy confrontations, they make me feel sick to my stomach. Well, mean folks can smell a weaker flock member from a mile away!

What I saw as being nice and self-effacing, they saw as an opening to hurt, thus making themselves feel good or somehow better, bigger in some way. Even my siblings.

I woke up one day and decided enough was enough. Of course, folks who knew me all my life thought I had lost my mind when I started asserting myself and politely telling people that I would appreciate if they didn't do this or that any longer as it hurts and I don't like it. Turns out, bullies really don't like it when you tell them that the things they do and say are hurtful! Who knew?

Oh, things didn't improve at work or with my family.....matter of fact, the people who enjoyed belittling me all that time were very offended that I didn't actually enjoy their behavior! My sister called me "sick in the head" when I calmly asked her to not berate me in public.....and then she cussed me out and told me to get off her property and never come back.

But you know what? I started feeling better. About myself and about how honest I could finally be....yes, that hurt, why wouldn't it? It was mean! No, I don't need you to correct my children for me...I'm sitting right here and have been doing a good job so far, so I think I've got it....but thanks!

I felt better about being me, about being a human on this earth who didn't deserve bad treatment. I felt peace flow through my body! I didn't have to shut up to preserve peace anymore....the only reason things were quiet was because I took their meanness home with me and let it work away quietly inside my body....causing me to be physically sick all the time. Why? So THEY go home feeling good? Why do they get to feel good and not me?

These were questions I finally had to ask myself....do I not deserve kindness like I give them? Of course I did, but I just never claimed it. I was told all my life that I wasn't good enough and I had believed it.....but no more.

I think God opened my eyes and, by forgiving myself for shortcomings, I could forgive others also.

 

[noobiechickenlady]

Do you guys try to let it all go or do you hold it to you and nurse it along? I get over things fairly quickly. I's a pisces, we have a tendancy to flare up and then die down, like an improperly laid campfire. Then later, if its real important, or is a single instance in my relationship to someone I see as important to me, I will try to discuss it in a reasonable, honest way. Sometimes it work, others, well... Most of those people are not in my life anymore, either from me cutting them out or God moving them or me away.

Do you have old hurts and griefs that you dwell on or do you try to resolve them in your hearts and minds? I have resolved almost all of my hurts, the others, I have just let go, except one. My father is an alcoholic and I keep wanting to fix him, even though I know I can't. You simply can't focus on the past and be able to see the present.

Do you jump defensively when people have dissenting views or seem to criticize you or do you lash back, think about it for days and keep re-living it in your minds? If it seems that they are personally attacking me, I'll tend to go on the defensive. Otherwise, I'll listen calmly to their views. I have had my mind changed about things through calm, rational discussion. No one will change my mind by calling me an idiot for my views. Thats when I walk away.

When I started with the company I am with now, I wasn't doing anything that I do now, my job has totally changed. My current boss is the best boss I have ever had, he's tough, fair, honest & gracious, plus he gives me credit for the work I do. I know that now. However, when I first began working under him, I have to admit that we rubbed each other the wrong way. We had spats almost every day. I don't know why he put up with me, but I'm glad he did. I began praying for him and sending good, healing, gracious thoughts his way during the day. At night, I would list his good qualities to myself and focus on those being the only things I knew about him at all. It dramatically improved our relationship. Nothing about him changed that much, but I was able to ignore his foibles and habits that rubbed me wrong, and I had a better perspective on him as a person, with good points & bad, just like myself.

I still find myself looking at the negatives about people, but my ability to see past those, into the real person & their goodness has improved.

Honestly, if something happens to aggravate me, and I am able to get out what I want to say about it (vent) then I'm fine, I'm over it. If I don't, I usually do it in the car and just vent it to the universe.